Hi. Ready to continue the conversation? Okay. We were talking about people caring enough. Well, to that end, I know that most people aren’t nearly emotionally intelligent or patient or kind enough to navigate meaningful emotional conversations. Most people just throw in the towel.
This breaks my heart in a completely different way and so, I decide that I need to change something. I need to artificially release some of my boundaries to feed the relationships that I don’t want to lose. Right? I need to go with the flow. I need to try and accommodate others’ needs at the expense of my own.
Side note: fuck that shit. This always results in a disaster. Letting down a boundary or releasing a wall in an organic way to further a relationship is one thing, but doing so against your own wishes in an attempt to salvage a relationship will inevitably result in failure. It’s a foregone conclusion. It doesn’t work. Most of the time, the person doesn’t truly appreciate the sacrifice that’s being made and then more than that, it doesn’t have a long-lasting effect. They aren’t satisfied with that one boundary, and so, they ask for more. Bigger, better. It turns into an endless escapade to keep up with a demand that was never reasonable, to begin with, and that absolutely feels awful.
There’s another scenario that is more evident today than ever before. One filled with anxiety and depression. When we are feeling sad, we tend to neglect our boundaries because it feels more important to create connections. We might feel like we are losing our grip. We might feel like the tenuous thread that binds us to others is threatened and we are too vulnerable to allow that to happen. We feel like our ability to thrive, or even survive, is contingent upon our willingness to be available to others in whatever way they need us to be. We don’t necessarily think clearly about the consequences of such a decision. It’s a sink or swim moment and are drawn to making it so, we do what we need to do.
There are a million other examples but I don’t think we need to spell them all out here. I am certain you have called to mind your own, very personal examples of a reluctance to maintain your boundaries.
The real truth is that it is so fucking hard. It shouldn’t be. Our boundaries are ours alone and it’s up to us to maintain them and yet, there are so many occasions where we don’t feel like we have that freedom or luxury. There are so many different scenarios under which we cave, willingly and unwillingly. Knowingly and ignorantly. We are driven and desperate. Assured and weak. Needy and strong.
We’ve now run through a few different reasons why we neglect our boundaries. And again, these are just a sampling of what exists out there. There’s a whole universe of motivation. There are so many instances in which we fail ourselves. That’s right. I said it. When we do not abide by our boundaries, we fail ourselves. We fail to grant ourselves the respect and grace that we so richly deserve.
Best not to stay stuck though. When we don’t respect our own boundaries by allowing others to disrespect them, the best thing that we can do is start over again. The worst choice we can make is to resign ourselves to this slip-up. We do ourselves a great disservice when we think, eh, I fucked up, so there’s no hope at redemption. False.
Where to start after a failure? Where to start in the most general sense? Well, I like to think of all the times and all the places and all the scenarios in which saying no would serve me better. Better than saying yes. Better than saying maybe. Better than saying nothing at all.
I’ve spoken about boundaries before, but I like to think of the subject in the context of a new year, for many reasons. First of all, as we age, as we grow, as we have different life experiences, our boundaries should change with us. And you’ve probably guessed it already, but those boundaries should likely get tighter and more refined with age, not looser. Maybe you didn’t think that. Maybe you imagined that you could become decidedly more chill over time. I mean, you could, but is that really going to feel good for you? It wouldn’t for me. It hasn’t for me. So, I’ve gone in the other direction.
I’ve used my various experiences and the passage of time to figure out where I need boundaries, where I can enforce boundaries, and where I lose at that game. That’s right. I called it a game. It can feel like a game because people will try and figure out ways to breach our boundaries and it is up to us to react accordingly.
You need to decide what your boundaries are and where they are, but I would actually get a little closer on this one. I’ve already mentioned where I’m going so this is likely not going to come as a surprise. You need to decide where you are going to say no. Where you want to say no. Where you need to say no.
Boundaries aren’t just about saying no, but it is a critical component.
So, where do I want to say no? So many places and with so many people. Here are just a few examples: I want to say no to moving too fast in friendships and relationships. I want to say no to responding to worthless work emails on the weekends. I want to say no when I’m being asked to do something that is decidedly outside of my purview. I want to say no when I have a different point of view than a friend. I want to say no when my opinion is asked and someone tries to sway me. I want to say no when I don’t feel like going out. I want to say no when I’m asked to attend something out of obligation. I want to say no when people come back after vanishing on me. I want to say no when people use me. I want to say no when I’m tired or grumpy or generally over it. I want to say no when people are being hurt with the yes. I want to say no when people are shitty. I want to say no when people are fake. I want to say no when it’s hard for me to say no. I want to say no whenever the fuck I feel like it without feeling bad. I want to say no without regret. I want to say no without reservation. I want to say no whenever I want, under whatever circumstances that move me to do so, without needing to provide an explanation to anyone at any time.
What about you? What’s your wish list?
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