I was going for a walk with a friend recently and there was a deceased bunny on the side of the road. Given the world we live in, and its obsession with darkness, I know what you might be thinking. Get that out of your damn mind. This isn’t some real life Yellowjackets shit. Not even close. Good? Good.
Anyway, we see the bunny or at least I do, and I immediately react and my friend laughs. Just so I can fully set the stage here, my reaction was to gasp in horror and rush us over to the other side of the road. I’m not saying that there weren’t tears in my eyes, but I’m not not saying that. When I questioned his reactive laughter, he told me that it was “sweet how pure” my reaction was and observed that “most people would be grossed out or some version of real sad and faux sad, but [my] reaction was just all genuine sadness for the bunny”.
I was legitimately sad. I didn’t give it much thought to be honest, I just saw the bunny in its mutilated state, and it hurt my heart. It wasn’t a deep process and while I love animals, I am certainly not an animal activist. Pure, as he used it, might be the best descriptor, because without any analysis, I just felt bummed, and horrified. The casual disregard was disheartening. Strange that I would describe it as such, but I felt that way. I couldn’t help but imagine all the humans that has passed this poor bunny and not even noticed. Not sure what they could do (the same thing I did?), and still, tears.
In all honesty, this is a place where I’ve always struggled. Masking or fabricating emotions. I know that the ability to keep things on the down low would have likely served me from time to time, but it is not fundamentally who I am. At all. I’m a feeler. Any attempt I’ve made to keep my feelings under wraps has usually failed. I end up feeling like a fraud and a phony and then it all builds up inside of me and gives me a massive bellyache.
This begs the question; does it ever serve us to try to keep our emotions at bay or tampered down? Does it make sense to keep things, well, quiet until we’ve had a chance to process, to opine, to gauge potential reactions? Are our feelings less authentic when we mull them over before we air them?
There’s no easy answer to that question. I suppose it’s yes, but also, no. It depends on what the experience looks like for us. Is the exploration a process whereby your feelings are sterilized or dulled? Or perhaps that journey is a refinement or a morphing into something more grounded? In my opinion, the first of those options is dangerous and counterproductive and the second is typically a worthy exercise.
The problem is that many of us have had negative reactions when we are unfiltered with our emotional response, and that teaches us to be less than honest about how we are feeling. We backtrack and reconsider. We look at how we are feeling under a lens colored by others’ feelings and thoughts. We go so far as to compromise who we fundamentally are and what we need, to serve someone else or a whole slew of individuals. It’s pretty exhausting because we constantly have to stick our finger into the breeze to gauge where everyone is at, and there’s no relaxing. None.
I think this is a mistake, but I don’t say this in a judgmental way. At all. We all must go through this experience to determine that it doesn’t work for us. That’s right. I said it. We all must compromise at least once and feel that icky feeling, to know that we’ve made a mistake. In a perfect world, you might just trust me on this one, but when it comes to feelings, nothing is that clear cut.
When I reacted to the bunny and laughter ensued, my first thought was ‘oh no’. I had a bad belly feeling. I knew that I did feel sad for that poor bunny and yet, I had a moment where I was completely freaked out that I just let my compassion flag fly. Was it totally ridiculous that I was so dramatic about a bunny? I know, we are talking about a bunny. But the point is being made, no? It’s a bigger picture situation. I was letting my feelings air out on my sleeve for the world to see.
Once I asked about the response to my reaction, seeking clarity, I felt relieved. And then, I was so angry at myself that I even asked the question. Why did I feel the need to justify myself to this human? I mean, sure, I care what my friends think, but that’s not what this was all about.
On the other side of this is a reaction that is over the top. I just winced and got a little smooshy, but what if I had completely unraveled on the street? What if I was incapable of continuing the walk? What if I was rendered speechless? I hope you chucked at that last question, as it was a trick. I am NEVER rendered speechless. Ever.
Anyway, what if my reaction was off the charts? Maybe that’s a good time for me to consider why I reacted that way. Perhaps I should examine how things are going in my life. Is it possible that my reaction is not as genuine as I think it is, and I’m leaking emotions from other parts of my life? I’m feeling down and disappointed or whatever that looks like, and thus, the bunny got all of it?
Yes, that is possible.
What’s the point of this, eh? I’ve talked about authenticity before, so have I just run out of things to talk about? No. Never. Sure, I revisit issues that require such, but that’s not exactly the intention here. At the end of the day, I really want to talk about complexity. The complication of being very, very human. We’ve talked about that before, but I want to take another spin through the topic and throw some other gas on the fire.
Are you ready?
Talk to you tomorrow.
x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 