It feels appropriate that we ended yesterday’s discussion talking about temperature, because the next behavior that rankles me is too cool. This one is going to be even tougher to explain because it is incredibly nuanced.
I am not talking about those who remain collected and put together under pressure. Not at all (though sometimes they irk me a little if we are keeping it real). I’m talking about games. I am talking about the person who is putting on an image with an intended reaction in mind. There are so many people that do this for so many different reasons. I will never get through all of it, so I’m just going to talk about a few that I really struggle with, or at least have, recently.
The first is the person where your relationship has changed in some fashion and now, they have something to prove. They are going to set the tone and they do so in a way that’s actually kind of gross. It’s so chill that you wonder if their objective is to make you not want to speak with them altogether. Let me make myself very, very clear. Do NOT. I repeat, do NOT ask this person why they are behaving this way. That is a losing and very sad game.
They will never ever give you what you are looking for. I know, that sounds like an absolute and I’ve often discouraged absolutes, but in this case, I know I’m spot on. The type of person that feels compelled to act this way, will always either deny that they are behaving in such a fashion and/or attack you for saying so. They might ask you what you are referring to, but it’s only a fact-finding mission to secure information to bury you with. You may find yourself in such a situation and you might feel tempted to keep going. I am going to strongly recommend that you do nothing of the sort. You have to find your own way, but in my humble opinion, that response should only trigger an abort mission. Each and every damn time. Give it up. You tried, it failed. I loathe this, but I would even encourage using a ‘forget it, nbd’. Really.
You can engage if you want. You can. I am certainly not going to stop you. The thing is, you will likely feel like a giant pile of shit when all is said and done. They will have you feel embarrassed and overly sensitive and overreactive and all the things that you never, ever want to feel.
It’s tough though. The worst part about this is the part that no one likes to admit. That’s where I come in, as you know. For some reason, when we engage in this way, when we push someone and they deny, instead of walking away, we tend to go in harder. Our inclination is to work the situation until we get what we want, which is that person owning their behavior. It doesn’t happen though. Ever. I mean it. There are plenty of situations where people admit that they’ve been acting shitty, but in my entire forty-one years, I’ve never seen someone who has turned themselves off or down admit it.
They will tell you that you are crazy. You will feel crazy. This is counterproductive, so please, for the love of God, don’t do it.
I’m going to take it a step further. If someone has decided to act this way, you might want to ask yourself what they are doing in your life. I know. Right now, you might be thinking of one thousand ways to defend this person. You might be screaming through the screen and telling me that I don’t know the person you are thinking of and they are going through something and there’s a viable reason why they are acting the way they are, and it makes more sense for you to hang in there. You know, until they find their way. I will never tell you that I am right about everything and so, I concede that perhaps that is true in your situation. I am highly skeptical, but I will leave it out there that anything is possible.
I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I feel compelled to tell you that you are likely just getting played. Or you are too scared to let go, or you have convinced yourself that you don’t deserve any better. I am so sorry that you are in that position. I’ve been there. I can assure you that you do not deserve to be treated that way and I hope you get to a better place. Just so you know, and this is not an attempt to rub salt in a wound, they know you feel that way too. They are counting on the fact that you feel the way you do. It feeds them. It emboldens them. It justifies their shitty, abysmal behavior.
You might also be soul-searching to figure out why they are acting the way that they are, because it is a mystery to you. Things were mostly fine and now they aren’t, and you are feeling sad and confused. Your ego feels like it’s taken a giant hit and even though engaging will continue to whittle it away, it feels like the only recourse. The thing is, you don’t ever know what another person is really thinking, unless they volunteer it (and that’s till 60/40 at best) and you really don’t know why the fuck they act the way they do. There is nothing to be gained from hearing that articulated and I don’t imagine someone will ever begin to do that, particularly if they can’t even own up to the fact that they are acting strangely.
My vote? Let go. You don’t have to be dramatic and all declaratory about it. Just go quietly into the night. Let them be too fucking cool all day long. It doesn’t matter. If they reach out, which they may, you can decide whether to respond or not. Don’t be an asshole and don’t be cold but think long and hard whether you actually want that human around.
I recently had a shift with someone in my life and now, it’s super fucking cool human all the damn time. I did the thing I’ve told you not to, and I tried to address it. That went poorly. There was denial and then ignoring. I regret it. Not in a way where I’ll hang onto it, but enough where I’ve learned my lesson, again.
No one is that cool. And if they actually are, they don’t act like a little shit. That’s just a fact.
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