Hey there. We made it to Friday. Hallelujah, right? I know. I’m excited too. These weeks can be incredibly long. I hope you don’t feel as if I’ve been a negative nelly this week. I am not telling you about all the personalities and behaviors that irk me to complain. I’m doing it so that you can see where I’ve intersected and how I’ve decided to navigate from those very tough crossroads that life has tossed my way.
I’m aware that there are people who are mostly unruffled by everyone. Truly. They are just nonplussed in the most enviable way possible. I also know that this is a very teeny tiny part of our population. Generally speaking, that’s not how most people are, most of the time. That’s not to say that we all share the same vulnerabilities or dislikes. I mean sure, a bunch of us do, but that’s not always the case. There’s a bit wide world out there and it takes all kinds, so in turn, there’s all different people who can hurt you or piss you off.
Even if you don’t connect to any of my feelings about any of the humans or behavior I’m describing here, I think it’s possible that maybe, just maybe, you can dig deep to identify who you do feel that way about (if you aren’t the small percentage of really fucking chill humans I was referring to before).
I think that generally speaking, this is an important exercise. We have to admit where we struggle if we want to do something about it. And yes, sometimes the doing something is knowing when to fold or walk away. Sometimes it’s a matter of taking action. Sometimes we will be motivated to look within ourselves and see what we want to shift. Sometimes witnessing someone else’s behavior is actually like looking in a very unflattering mirror and that’s important too.
The next and last personality that I want to talk about is a sensitive one. I am deeply compassionate and also very sure that I have a lot of this within me. And yet I struggle. I will preface my declaration with the thought that the reason I struggle the most is because I tend to pick up on the energy of others. That was probably obvious when I was discussing the other humans, I’ve been describing this week, but still, no harm in just calling it like it is, right?
Okay, so the people I struggle with are the anxious folk. Again, I just said it, but this is too important to gloss over or not be very specific about. I am a bit of an anxious person and I am also very prone to picking up on the energy of others, so I struggle mightily when people are super high anxiety. Not all the time. Not at all. I typically have a hard time with this personality or behavior when I am in a low energy zone or when I’m struggling with something myself (something that may even be provoking my own anxiety).
I don’t want to skimp on any responsibility on my part, so I think it bears mentioning that it is usually easier to judge and condemn someone else’s anxiety because you are on the outside of it. You are applying logic and reason to something where that has no place.
I know that I only want the person to calm down. More than that, I don’t want them to make decisions that will ultimately cause them and others harm in an effort to alleviate their anxiety. I’ve done this. Often. I want to feel better and so, I do the thing that in my head will make things better, whatever that may be. Send that text, make that call, send that email, say that thing.
I’ve often regretted making those decisions once the dust clears and I’m calmer, so it’s tough for me to be in that situation with another human, witnessing their response and knowing that they will probably be harmed in their attempt to cool things down.
There are so many things that I want to say in response to all that I’ve already said, but I’m going to try and keep things concise. It is Friday, after all.
Okay, we all know that you can’t fix things for another human, right? No matter what I do, I can’t force someone to feel a certain way or act a certain way. The only thing we can do is listen and be supportive. Sometimes we can voice concern in a way that’s not critical or judgmental but cushioned in care and love. Sometimes we don’t have the ability to listen because what we are listening to is so self-destructive that it almost feels irresponsible to listen without being able to do anything at all. I get that. I get all of it.
I left this one for last because it is the touchiest. I think that we don’t talk about anxiety enough in our society. I think that even though there are memes and public health campaigns, we don’t really talk about how crippling it is for people who suffer with it. We don’t talk about how it can be difficult to engage with someone who is struggling, even when you love them more than anything. We don’t talk about coping strategies. We don’t talk about how it’s okay to disengage when you feel like you aren’t helping and it’s hurting you too. Self-care is important. No one else is more important than you. I know. That felt uncomfortable for you to read, right? This is not about you being too egoic or too cold or too cool. This is just you recognizing that you can only be strong and resilient and a good friend and a good spouse and a good family member and a good parent and a good human if you find your way to taking care of yourself.
I want to explain that it is okay for you to tell someone that you see their suffering and you wish differently for them, but that it’s difficult for you in that moment to listen. Tell them that you aren’t giving up or walking away, but you need a beat to be the best ______ that you can be.
And if you feel anxious, don’t be afraid to get help. To research coping strategies. To love yourself enough to try. And try again. And then some more.
Talk soon. Take some time and ask yourself how you feel around the people who surround you. If you need a shift, make one. I am not saying it’s easy, but it’s necessary. Always.
X
L.
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