The journey I’ve spent time describing this week is indeed the one I’m on now. That said, I falter, often. I tend to revert back to who I was because that feels more comfortable for me. Bizarre, I’m aware. The discomfort of the situation felt more uncomfortable than the ‘who the fuck knows’ on the other side of the world.
I knew, I know, there was no turning back though. I know that I want to live a different life, one of greater authenticity and I can’t get there until I peel each finger off that precarious ledge, one at a time, until there are none. And then, the world falls away. I’ve forced the release. The fall.
There’s something freeing about falling in that way. Something happens where you’ve accepted that you don’t know what will come next and you decide that no matter what happens, you are still glad that you made the decision. That’s the toughest part sometimes. You have to live with knowing that when things feel bad and you are tempted to go back, that’s the time you have to hang in. You just have to know that on the other side is not perfection, but it’s still a reward. It’s still the goal.
That’s really tough or at least that’s always been tough for me. Don’t get me wrong, as there is little that I’ve done in my life knowing that everything was going to be as I wanted it to be on the other end. Not even close. I just liked knowing that others had treaded down the same path and felt pretty good about it. Or did they? They seemed to, anyway.
Otherwise, there was a collective pretending that was so convincing, and honestly, so intimidating, that I wasn’t about to turn it on its head. So, I went along with the status quo, deeply desiring to make things nice in the way everyone else did. I could look over the bumps and lumps and see the smooth and lovely bits in all situations. I would make a molehill out of a mountain.
If I was ignored, I would breathe my way through it. If I was subject to wrath, the same. If I was left behind or left out or disregarded, I would have a good laugh. Would I though? How many people are really capable of that? We say that all is fine, but nothing is fine. Everything feels like total shit. I know that very well and I can assuredly tell you that it’s the place I’m running furthest, fastest from.
It really boils down to want. Aren’t most of us truly petrified to share what we want in life? Don’t we tell ourselves that we are asking too much? I loathe reverting to trite or overused expressions but there is something truly profound in the sentiment that we ‘accept the love we think we deserve’. Notice that the expression is not ‘we accept the love that we really want’. Nope. It’s whatever we think we deserve, what we want, be damned.
Maybe the challenging part is really getting down to what we want. I’m going back to the matching branded baseball hat, champagne glass boomerang, kind of wants. Do I want that because it looks so lovely or because I’ve been conditioned to think that it’s what everyone wants? We all just want to belong. We all just want to be part of that group that everyone else wants to be a part of. We all want to be in that photo that gets so many likes. We just want that thing that we can’t really put a name to, but if we did, it would sound awfully like popularity.
Shit. That’s unreal. I distinctly remember shaking loose the chains of popularity in grade school and now I’m a grown woman and somehow, it’s smacking me in the face all over again. Somehow, I’ve found myself back to the place where I just want to be liked and I just want to fit in and I just want all the things that everyone else wants.
And let’s be real, we can look at memes and read self-empowerment books and be all that we can be, but there are still unavoidable traps that aren’t healed by any of that shit. The breaking loose has to come from a place deep within us that’s really and truly ready to walk a different path. To walk a path where people tell you how independent you are and how brave and how unique and how interesting. To walk a path where you hear all of those words and it’s the same as someone saying that something looks really nice on you and they just can’t imagine ever pulling it off in quite the same way. Is that a compliment? Is it back-handed? Are there no hands at all save the ones pushing you down to the floor?
Somehow, I think that most of us hear, ‘I’m so sorry that you weren’t able to hack it as a regular person following a regular path, so I think it’s pretty nifty that you found a completely different direction to go in. You couldn’t pay me to do the same, but still, way to go.’ And maybe you think that’s awesome. You’ve ventured out. You have been the brave one. Change does have to start with someone.
But then, the doubt creeps in and you don’t want to be the human that starts a revolution. That was never your intention at all. You are just a regular person trying to get through the challenges of life unscathed and the rest of it is just gravy or collateral damage or whatever it feels like to you. It’s not deliberate. There is no design. This was a default setting. It’s as if you have restarted your computer because it crashed so many fucking times and you’ve found yourself in safe mode. You know that you should call someone in to fix things, but everything seems to be working fine enough, so what’s the point?
Well, I will tell you that the first step to take in these situations is to make this whole thing a plan. Be specific and purposeful in your actions. Make it a choice, not a fallback plan. There is something magical in that because you don’t feel like the universe is doing something to you, but rather, you are shifting your own fate. This might feel silly or uncomfortable at first but then, you will find yourself unapologetic for the life you are leading. When people question you, you will not explain that you’ve had a tough go of it and ‘shrug’ this is where you find yourself. Nope. You will instead celebrate this path that you are walking at this time.
When weather is bad and you have to cancel plans, you will not lament how things never seem to work out for you. Rather, you will commend yourself on your decision to keep yourself safe and sound. You will reschedule. You will take the time that you now have with yourself, and you will make it into something nourishing. You will take something that feels beyond your control, and you will, take control.
x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 