What does all of what I’ve been talking about mean in the scheme of female friendships? Well, this means that I’ve never really had an easy time. I question myself, I question others, and I waffle back and forth all the time. I almost never know where I stand and how to withstand the stepping away of those, I have given my heart and trust to.
There is something more to this than just deciding to take a step back. There is an appreciation or an awareness of those who are still standing when the dust clears. This is a critical component of this whole journey. In order to truly appreciate all the strength, you had to make the changes, you needed to in backing away from what doesn’t work, you have to lift yourself up and celebrate all the things that do work. All of the relationships that aren’t perfect but that are perfectly suited to you, for you.
I have gained and lost friendships time and again as I’ve aged. I have been difficult and I have been treated poorly and I have moved and changed and grown and with each new trip around the sun, I have taken stock of where I am and who is surrounding me. I have learned that friendship is not one size fits all. Not even close. There are people who you will let get away with more because it truly doesn’t harm you and there are those who you can’t let get away with anything at all. You will learn over time that you will sort all of this out through trial and error, because most of the time, we don’t know until we know.
We will sometimes know nothing until we are very badly hurt. And sometimes, we will not really accept it until we are very hurt more than once. We will think that the coast is clear and all is well, and then we will find ourselves on the wrong end of things again.
I long ago left behind the sentiment that I can connect meaningfully with those who do not share the same values as me. Sure, I have friends who are different and I celebrate those differences and respect them, but I also understand that there is a point of no return in that stratosphere. There are topics and belief systems and issues that are so important that to diverge in thought is to cause a rift that is likely too giant to overcome or surmount.
I accepted the fact that shared history does not mean forever. Sometimes the ties that bind are not strong enough to withstand the test of time and life experiences. Sometimes we have to let go of someone or something that we thought would be in our lives forever. Just because.
I acknowledge the reality that there are some relationships that come to stay and many that are meant to go and some that will just wound us and others that are meant to teach us in the most painful and useful way you can imagine.
I know that I have met some women that are truly special and I don’t ever have to question their loyalty or love or substance. They can call me in the middle of the night and I would show up with a garbage bag and a shovel (yes, I mean that). I know that I can lean on them during the toughest of times, and sometimes that means a call where I’m barely speaking and mostly crying. And sometimes that means a text message that is mostly rambling and not altogether coherent and perhaps a heavy hand of emojis.
There are women that I’ve met through work and a sprinkling from college and one or more that I’ve met in scattered other experiences. The funny part is that I started writing this post because of one of those friends in particular. We met through a contest. That’s right. She owns a company and I entered a contest whereas one stood to win something from that company. I won. When the fuck does that happen? It did. And I instantly fell in love with her work. It was whimsical and feminine and just lovely all around, much like her. I messaged her to share my great love of the pieces and my joy over winning and that, was that.
We have never met in the person. We had intended to at some point and then life got crazy and then the pandemic hit. There has never been a safe or secure or normal moment where we could meet. And yet, through our brief but meaningful conversations, I’ve come to know everything that I need to know to like a human, to love a human. The best part is that the friendship isn’t complicated. I know what you are thinking right now. It must be because we’ve never met. We’ve never shared all the tough bits in life where you get on each other’s nerves and test each other’s spirits and question everything.
That’s not it though. It’s that thing where you are able to just know that a person is meant to be in your life.
Anyway, she just celebrated a birthday. I bought a few little tiny things and made a thing but I wanted to celebrate her differently, in a bigger way, but I couldn’t figure out how. I didn’t know how to convey the glee that is the ease of our friendship. How do I let her know that during a time in my life that was decidedly dark and complicated, she was a spot of light? How could I tell her in a way that isn’t incredibly intense that meeting her restored my faith in the power of the female relationship?
I mean, I had lost faith in all relationships at that point. I had. I had lost my faith in humans. I felt despondent. And then, I got these colorful, delicate baubles and somehow, something felt a little bit better. And attached to those sparkly gems, was a shimmery fairy. A lovely, gentle, slight human who seems to ask for very little of the world around her in a way that is inherently admirable and impossible to replicate.
It felt safe connecting to her because she was far away and a stranger and I had nothing invested. In some ways, it was the most jaded I had ever been and it felt proper to say, sure, I’ll relate and attach to someone really far away who means nothing at all. And then, I grew to see what a truly special human she is, and I can’t wait for the day when we can actually meet and hug and laugh, and eat a gluten free cupcake and drink a cocktail and lament the state of the world, and find the good bits, too.
I’m a fuck up when it comes to friendships with females, but fortunately for me, LB makes it incredibly easy and I find myself the luckiest human on the other end of a coastal dynamic duo.
Love you to bits LB. Happiest birthday to you. I hope this trip around the sun brings you all the love and joy that you deserve, to infinity and beyond.
Happy weekend to everyone else.
x
L.
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