Mother Teresa was quoted as saying “People are unrealistic, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway.” Lovely sentiment, eh? Only Mother Teresa could get away with sharing such a simple and powerful thought. My instant reaction is sure, I’d love to, but do I get to be pissed off too? Or, when I act that way, do I get to be disappointed when I’m not met with a circle of love and acceptance?
The truth is, that is the truth. I know, profound, right? We are inherently selfish and self-absorbed humans. We exist in a world filled with concerns that all revolve around how WE engage, and what hurts US, and what makes US happy. I don’t take issue with that at all. In fact, I will often say that the cure to many self-esteem ills is to reclaim a more profound sense of self above that which one showers upon others. We need to be able to stand on our own two feet, apart from the crowd, and know who we are and what we need, and what we want, if we want to thrive. Right? Right. Either way, there’s a line.
There’s always a line. There’s always a threshold consideration where someone shifts from nourishing their best self to acting like a narcissistic, self-absorbed a-hole. The line isn’t all that thin either, but if you were around some of the people I’m around, you might think it thick as a sheaf of paper.
I know you’ve heard the expression ‘just living my best life’. That’s great and I don’t take issue with the thought in a very global fashion, except when it’s used as a blanket to cover all the shitty behavior that one can possibly stand without losing their ever-loving mind.
Let’s take a step back for just a moment. It is possible that someone has lived a life serving others for so long that they deserve to “serve” themselves first for a while? Sure. But there is still mindful way to navigate that self-service. There doesn’t have to be a trail of collateral damage in someone’s wake. I acknowledge that the road from selfless to self-sustaining is a tough one, but still, balance should be sought (in my humble opinion). The bottom line point I’m trying to make is that there is no excuse when it comes to acting like a jerk. You don’t get a pass because you’ve been hurt. In fact, you should know better. You have seen all the ways in which a person can be taken down, so you should loathe the thought of wreaking that kind of havoc on someone else. It’s not that simple though, because people are complicated and emotions are gray and the world is challenging.
Where am I going with all of this? Well, I told you that the first person I want to talk about is the individual who is so selfish that they struggle with the notion of the spotlight dropping on anyone else. And yes, that extends to the grief or pain of someone else. They believe that their pain is always bigger, better, and more important.
These are the folks that will try, during your most challenging moments, to point out how much goodness you’ve had in your life. They’ll be the ones in the back shouting “well, yeah, your relationship sucked, but at least you had one”. Um, scuse? No thanks. And even if you think that, keep it to your damn self.
I don’t think I need to say this, but obviously, moments of gratitude and perspective are incredibly important. However, that doesn’t take away your ability to have a shit moment or day or week or year. You are entitled to your pain, no matter how glorious all of your other shit is, end of story.
When you first encounter this human I’m describing, you might, in the throes of your own pain, feel sorry for them. You might feel like your pain is actually insignificant and you might feel guilty putting words to your emotions. I want to gently remind you that this is exactly the reaction they want to evoke. They want you to feel bad about feeling bad. They don’t believe you deserve your pain in comparison to theirs, and they resent that you might be having a moment that detracts from their momentsssss.
This person will deliberately minimize what you are experiencing to discourage big feelings. This is not an act of kindness or goodness on their part. Oh no. They are angry that you are having a thing because they are the person who has a thing. Only them. Your life is perfect. You have no right.
If we are to abide by Mother Teresa’s guidance, we would look at this person and set aside our rage or frustration and have compassion. You might be thinking that having compassion in this way lets these folks off the hook. Nah. The two actions don’t need to be synonymous. You can feel badly for someone and understand why they are acting the way they are, and still think they are being shitty. Those notions can unquestionably co-exist. In fact, I think having both reactions is not only normal but healthy. We need to be able to be more expansive with our thinking in this way. You know how it is, either you bend, or you break.
This is going to sound incredibly cliché, but if we carry pure anger and nothing else, we really are just hurting ourselves. Given the nature of the personality of that human, it’s unlikely that you will have too much of an impact if you try and share your feelings of disappointment or frustration. In keeping with the theme, they will tell you that you are hurting them and piling on to everything else they are contending with in that moment. There will ALWAYS be other shit and that shit will be bigger and badder and more significant than yours. That’s just how it goes.
Don’t forget who they really are and don’t let them off the hook, but also, try to find some space in your heart so you don’t dwell. Here’s the toughest piece of advice, more so than having a different POV: don’t share shit with them. Or at a minimum, selectively share. Only share the stuff that doesn’t really go incredibly deep for you. Share the shit where no matter the response or reaction, it’s all good on the other side. I might go so far as to tell you to only share good stuff and leave the stuff that troubles you to other relationships where these issues don’t exist, or at least, they aren’t as pervasive.
This is a tough thing to say, but I think it’s important. If you know who they are, and you keep engaging and expecting them to be different, at some point- it’s on you. #sorrynotsorry.
Xo
L.
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