Do you know people who seem entirely deficient when it comes to the basics of human interaction? There are so many reasons why a person is this way. Genetic disposition, nurturing (how they were raised), a side effect of terrible relationships or other experiences, and so on.
If you don’t know who or what I’m talking about, I’m going to provide a little clarity, or so I hope. This is the person who often says “the wrong thing” or admits that they don’t know what to say. This is the person who always says too much or too little or nothing at all (when the situation does not support silence in normal course).
Based somewhat on why they are the way they are, and dependent on the situation at hand, these folks will often employ a very particular methodology for a wide variety of circumstances. What I mean is that they have a go-to move. There’s the guy who always makes jokes when things are super serious, and the gal who tells an unrelated story (distraction?).
It is likely that they have found some generic way of responding to any situation where they feel lost or uncomfortable and they cling to that approach, come hell or high water. There is no hesitation or rethinking. It’s just hold your nose and jump in.
Of these folks, I am very familiar with the human who cannot have a conversation about someone’s struggles without calling upon something they’ve been through. They aren’t lacking in compassion and they don’t resent someone else’s pain. They simply have a more difficult time exploring that other human’s situation without finding a relational point.
You will never hear this person utter words like ‘I don’t know how you feel, but I’m so sorry’ because the concept of expression sorrow or compassion without that understanding is entirely foreign. They just do not get it unless they get it.
There are many times where the scenario they’ve called upon is entirely appropriate. It may not feel good for the person sharing to have to share their pain in that moment, but either way, the connection makes sense. There’s a clear tie between the two situations or events. I’ll take your family death and match it with one of mine. I’ll take your work shit and match it with my disaster. I’ll take your relationship issues and share some of my own. The sharer might be thinking, I don’t really want to hear about your life at this very moment, but it is at least sensical where that person is coming from.
Then, there is the inappropriate connection. This is where you share that your grandmother has passed away and they tell you that they once had to put down their family cat. Or worse, their neighbor had to put down their dog. There is no connection that is too far a reach for these folks. They will grasp at straws like it’s going out of style. They will try and find one component of the shared event that they can use as a search term in their vast memory and bam, something will be found.
They don’t take the time to assess the reaction of sharing such information in the context of the other person’s pain. In fact, they are often pleased with themselves, because rather than struggling to call upon an emotional response, they have been able to manufacture one with their own repository.
This is a tough one, because often, there is no harmful intent at all. Sure, you can lose your shit and ask them how the fuck their family cat (no matter how precious) compares to your grandmother, but you will likely be met with confusion and sadness and embarrassment. They will have felt like they did the right thing, and they are indeed feeling compassion, so they will not understand your anger.
If anything, they will likely attribute your rage response to whatever it is that you were struggling with in the first place. Of course, you are angry, the ending of a relationship, missed promotion, loss of a family member, health issue will do that to you.
I think we need to be even more specific here, because perhaps you are thinking that the real key is just saying it nicely. It’s all about the delivery, right? Nope. Not in this case. Let’s say that you share with this person in a super gentle way that the point of connection they’ve made is not exactly fantastic. You might even go so far to tell them that you are offended. I promise you that they will be lost. Maybe ashamed. Definitely anxious.
They had located a common place to meet at and they felt good about it and now, you are going in with a sledgehammer and knocking it to the ground. Leveled. They are looking around at piles of rubble and what they aren’t sure where to go from here. What I’m sharing right now might feel incredibly dramatic because you don’t operate this way. You have a free and easy ability to relate to other humans without a gimmick or a go-to. Cool. So do I, but that doesn’t mean that’s the only way.
Here’s the only way I can make this easier to understand. You decide to go for a walk. You have never been to the area you are walking in before, but still, the path ahead seems rather uncomplicated and you have a decent sense of direction. All is going well enough and then I stop you and put a blindfold on you. Yikes. What now, right?
That’s essentially what you’ve done to that human. You’ve removed their origin or landing place or reference point. They don’t know how to operate or navigate outside of what feels completely natural to them, and what feels that way, is finding a narrative that seems to fit with yours. There is no malice with this person. At all. In fact, I know this is going to sit a little wonky with you, but I give them credit, because they are trying to connect. They are. It might be a misguided effort and there might be mess there, but the effort is pure enough.
So, where do you go from here? Well, try and take the connection they make with a grain of salt. Stay away if you don’t feel comfortable doing that. Really. It’s okay. Not in a malicious, aggressive way. Just tell them you aren’t up to chatting or company. Just a lil breather. Know that they mean well and sometimes, that does really, really matter.
x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 