I don’t think it’s unusual that someone doesn’t know how to just listen. Listen without offering an opinion or advice. Hell, I fall into that camp from time to time. I just want so desperately to say something or do something that makes it all better. I am, of course, super well intentioned, but I fall short.
I will feel sad that the person opening up to me is suffering or frustrated that they are being harmed unnecessarily. I might think their thought patterning illogical and misguided and recognize that it’s that thinking that is perpetuating the harm, and desire to “right the ship”, to stop the hurt.
Sometimes this interaction comes in the form of straight up perspective. This is what I think. This is what I see. This is what I would do. Other times, and this is where things get sort of tough, it comes out as a comparison. There are a million reasons why that is so.
Sometimes it feels like the most effective way to convey a point of view. I want you to see things from my seat, so rather than put a spin on your narrative, I’m going to tell a story of my own. I will be able to draw enough similarities that it will make perfect sense why the story is being shared, and you will feel compelled to act, and things will begin trending in the right direction.
Sometimes it feels like a more sensitive way to approach sharing a thought or feeling. There’s something indirectly direct about sharing your story to help support someone moving in a particular direction. It feels less abrasive or confrontational than speaking right to whatever it is that they are going through. You know what I’m talking about, right? Instead of going for the ‘I hear what you are saying about your boyfriend, and honestly, he sounds like a control freak’, you elect to say ‘I dated a guy once that cared an awful lot when it came to what I was wearing and I found him pretty controlling overall’. The risk you run when the intention is to soften the delivery a bit is the person not actually picking up that you are trying to compare to their situation. Regardless of any sameness, they might not see parallels at all.
Whatever my underlying reason, the overarching motivation is to make things better for that person. I am sharing to connect, but not just on the surface. Rather, I’m looking to connect in a deeper and more meaningful way. I don’t just want to put myself in a position where I can empathize. I want to be supportive and potentially help shift things to a better spot.
Ironically, this can sometimes be the worst of it, because it’s so very clear that there is nothing but goodness behind the approach. The recipient of the comparison tale might feel incredibly annoyed at the share, but also, feels like they can’t express their annoyance. They recognize that the person means well, and so they feel guilty sharing what’s going on in their head and heart.
You know what happens when feelings of resentment go unspoken, right? They grow. They become an incessant weed. They spread. The take root. They make a permanent home. In this very situation, it would not be a stretch for the relationship to be materially and irrevocably tainted. The recipient of the advice or story will be so steeped in their feelings of bitterness, that they will eventually lose sight of the notion that their friend meant well. The action will start to feel malicious and intentionally tone deaf. Yeah, it’s pretty bad.
I think you know what I’m going to say next, right? The best thing to do in these situations is be really honest about how the comparison story makes you feel. Explain that you understand their actions came from the best place within them, but that you are not in a place where you can see much of anything else clearly. At some undecided later date, you might be able to hear their story and be inspired, but this is not the moment and you are not in the right head space to do anything of the sort.
That conversation can go one of two ways. Most of the time, this personality type will be receptive to feedback. They only wanted to be a positive and supportive force, so if anything they are doing is giving off a decidedly different vibe, they are glad to do an about face. However, there is a possibility that you will engage with someone who gets a little (or a lot) ruffled when they hear this from you. That doesn’t make them a shitty person. We all have egos. When we believe we are doing the right thing and then we are told that we are missing the mark, we might get defensive. Sometimes we are even embarrassed, and so we put up a wall to avoid further humiliation.
The pretty chill part of all of this is what sets this person apart from others we have described or discussed. Even if their first reaction isn’t great, they will likely come around. It would be an unusual circumstance if they stayed rankled or distanced. This person will likely use time to self-reflect and fully explore what occurred and get to some place where they take responsibility for their behavior and feel appreciative that their friend felt comfortable enough to share their true feelings.
Now, there is no particular formula here. The reaction and period of exploration can take ten minutes or ten months. It’s just likely that there is a process instead of a hard and fast, immoveable response.
I want to offer one word of cautionary advice here. I don’t want to end on a sour note, but I think it’s important to acknowledge a very real possibility. Sometimes we think someone is this person I’ve been describing, but they instead fall into another category. The sad bit is that often, we won’t know that this is the case until it’s a bit too late. We’ve given someone too much grace and found ourselves wounded in the process. This is a painful way to conclude, but sometimes there is no avoiding it. Forgive yourself for misjudging. Make the changes you need to shift away from that person so they can’t harm you further. Sometimes it behooves us to call things out so it’s clear for everyone involved. What does that look like? Well, you are honest. Really honest. You tell the person that you only gave them the benefit of your patience because you believed them to be a different kind of human and now that you know, you have to make necessary changes. I know it’s scary, but what’s the worst that can happen? They tell you to fuck off? Okay. Fine. You said it first though…
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