I have very often, especially as of late, elected not to share my opinion or thoughts on a particular subject with friends. I see clearly how I’ve had an experience that parallels what they are going through, but I anticipate a poor reaction to my sharing of the story. So, I choose to keep it to myself.
Perhaps that person has resented my sharing historically or maybe I’ve seen their less than positive reaction to others and that’s what’s pushing me to make that call.
I can call three friendships to mind where I’ve made that choice. The first friend has a short fuse. She is quick to anger, believes she’s right about most things, and doesn’t like to feel like she isn’t entirely unique in her pain and suffering. The second friend is often doing the comparing and for that reason, doesn’t really prefer to be on the other end of that equation. She believes herself to be the authority on such things. She also doesn’t really have a solid sense of herself in the world, and that insecurity colors her ability to hear others perspective on her, even if it’s told through another’s personal story.
The third friend is incapable of seeing anyone else’s suffering as equal to or greater than hers when it comes to her particular type of hurt. She understands that others have things that make them sad or anxious or mad, but with certain topics or situations, she firmly believes that the person has other goodness that balances out the harm and therefore, there is no justification for complaining (or in this case, comparing).
Given that each of those interactions presents its own set of significant obstacles and challenges, I have definitively made the choice to take what I might call the easy path, or keeping my big mouth shut. The issue is that even when I keep my thoughts or feelings to myself, I am still thinking and feeling. My very robust inner life doesn’t cease to exist just because I keep it to myself. To the contrary, it goes unchecked. Meaning, since I am not bouncing anything off anyone else, there is no benchmark or metric to use to understand the power of my words or actions.
What happens then? Well, sometimes the power behind my feelings and thoughts grows. I feel more and more justified in my stance with each day that passes because there is no one to keep me grounded or level me out or to tell me to get a fucking grip.
Great. So, we are trying to avoid a shitty situation and then we land ourselves in what is arguably a worse situation? Well, yes, but also, no. There are ways to prevent this from happening. Don’t worry, as I’m not about to tell you to get over yourself and just tell the person how you feel. I recognize that sometimes this is infeasible for any number of reasons, including the sundry I described above. If you are going to be met with grumpiness, skepticism, bitchiness or anything of the sort, I fully support keeping your thoughts to yourself in that moment.
Notice I said ‘in that moment’, but we’ll come back to that. The first suggestion that I have is sharing your thoughts with someone who is not involved. If you are afraid of gossiping or coming across as doing such, you can certainly avoid using that person’s name when telling the story elsewhere. Alternatively, you can use the name but not mention the specific reasons why you aren’t sharing this with them (or don’t mention that’s even a thing). You can share with someone else that you have something to say and lack the welcome forum for sharing and that’s what’s triggering the moment you are having. Perhaps you want to use them as a sounding board to gauge whether your thoughts or instincts are on point. Just be prepared to be told that they aren’t. Also, if this other person thinks you are off base, it doesn’t mean you are 100% off base. It simply means that’s their opinion on the matter.
If you don’t trust another person or are afraid of how you’ll come across (or of identifying the person you are talking about in error), you can journal. I know that might sound hokey to you, but it can be incredibly cathartic to write down everything on your mind and weighing down your heart. Hell, you can even speculate about what it would be like to have the discussion with your friend. The truly awesome fact about a journal is that it’s yours and yours alone, so there is no obligation to share anything and on the flip side, you can indeed share absolutely everything. There is no feedback offered outside of your own, just like there is no perspective offered outside of what you glean while reading your thoughts written on the page in front of you. Sometimes writing things down offers a special kind of clarity and in this case, might enable you to find the courage to better express yourself to your friend, poor reaction be damned.
Now you might be asking what I alluded to before? You can wait for a good moment to share. Or a better moment. You can wait until you sense a better mood or a good day or hell, you might even get to a place where they tell you that they want to hear from you on a particular issue. They don’t just want to share but they want real deal feedback. Maybe it’s just a day where you are feeling more confident, and you know that you won’t be as ruffled if they come at you. You’ll be able to recognize their reaction for what it is: defensive posturing, bravado to cover insecurity, and a deep-seated fear of being unseated.
None of this is easy, right? I mean, little is, but this stuff is particularly challenging. Sometimes it is incredibly easy to spot who is who and there are times when it’s a complete mystery. You must go with your gut, when it comes to reacting to others and when it comes to expressing your own thoughts and feelings. Oh, and yes, I’m aware I jumped that fence. I wanted you to have both perspectives. Be prepared to misjudge and overreact and underreact and make a mistake and have to start over again. Tell a story, don’t tell a story, listen or reject. The choices and process are yours. That’s really the crux of it all. The choices. And process. Are yours.
Xo
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 