I guess I never really got back to the place I wanted to, which is tying my initial thoughts (and the song lyrics) with this whole ‘choose your battle’ chat. I will. We are just about there, but not yet.
Yesterday, I walked through what it means to pick one’s battles and why I don’t think picking is always a useful or productive exercise. More pointedly, sometimes the art of picking is selecting absolutely every fucking thing. Not in the entire world, but certainly as it relates to a particular want or need or neuroses.
I think the key point or takeaway is that we must get to a point where we separate self-judgment from deciding what we need and want. I have to be able to express that I cannot tolerate silence or being forgotten about in any way because it triggers my fears of rejection and abandonment. It is meaningful to admit that when I just wrote that sentence, I immediately thought how pathetic it sounded. I had a burning feeling, and itchy fingers, to correct. I want to erase that sentiment and then restate, making it sound “better”, whatever that means. Mostly, I would couch the statement in context. I would provide what I believe to be very reasonable support for my feelings. I would explain that I am fucked up from all that I’ve been through, and I understand that my needs are a little high maintenance and ridiculous and I’m hoping to move away from them at some point in the future, but unfortunately, this is what we are stuck with right now.
Sad, no? I think it is. That is one hell of a disclaimer. I am basically saying that I know I’m a pain in the ass but there is good reason for such and if you don’t like it, I completely understand. Ugh. I do not want to exist in that head space. I think we all know by now that I am not an arrogant person who lives in a world where I think I am the shit and justified in everything that I do. Quite the contrary. I know I can be difficult and clearly, I have flaws, and most certainly, I make mistakes.
I guess my question is why it is necessary to feed that information to another person? Why do I have to explain away what I am looking for or what I find tolerable? Isn’t it plausible to just put that out into the universe and let whatever is meant to happen, happen? Is there a risk there? Sure is. However, the never-ending rambling disclosure that precedes my expression of wants or needs, does not remove the risk. Explanations are not a recommendation risk mitigation strategy.
Why are explanations a bad idea? Well, for starters, you may be planting a seed where none existed before. Not a good, I’m gonna have me some gerbera daisies seed. Oh no. Seeds of doubt and hesitation. Also, when you engage in such a practice, you start to lose some conviction in what you are putting out into the world. You start to convince yourself, as you convince others, that what you are asking for is nonsensical or irrational, but still, you are asking anyway. The next time you move to explain to someone else, your support for your OWN thoughts and feelings might begin to waver. You know what I’m going to ask, right? How can you possibly be confident in what you are asking from others if you start to lose confidence in yourself and your feelings?
Bottom line is that you have to move forward with some measure of confidence, even if you are at first faking it. Even if it feels brutal and painful and scary, you have to just put yourself out there. Picking your battles doesn’t mean arming up and preparing to go head-to-head. Rather, it means deciding your non-negotiables and for everything else, figuring out where the line of compromise falls for you. And just a re minder that the line can shift as your life and situation changes, but it shouldn’t change to purely suit another human. If that is something that occurs as an unintended result, great, but it can’t be the sole reason. If it is, it won’t stick, or it will, and it will feel like total garbage. That much I promise you.
Are you ready to finally get back to the damn beginning? I thought so. Those lyrics were profound for the reasons I already shared. In fact, it is exceptionally meaningful to explore those two thoughts that arose as I was listening. I am, however, going to flip the script and start with the second item.
When I look back at those time periods, my 20s and 30s, I am amazed at the growth that I’ve experienced. Although I remain fundamentally the same human, I’ve undergone a complete transformation, both for the better and the worse. I learned a lot and made a ton of mistakes. I had several relationships, each one arguably shittier than the prior. I committed and re-committed and walked away. I was rejected and left and disregarded. I found a job and then a career and then reaffirmed my desire to remain doing what I am doing, and also, went in a completely different direction (which was also kind of the same). I stayed in the same living space but transformed that space time and again.
I took up new hobbies and refined them and then left some of what I dabbled in behind. I found a style and improved upon that style and relented to trends and then decided they were outside my comfort zone.
I vacillated between feelings of worthiness and unworthiness time and again, usually landing on the latter. I let other people tell me what I should think and what I should eat and how I should make a living and who I should love and what I should apologize for and most significantly, what I needed to change about myself. I had many, many people tell me what I need to change about me to make myself more palatable. More easily digested. Less prickly and sensitive and dramatic and easily- offended. Only strength and resilience in the face of whispers about falling short. The irony is not lost on me, and I hope you are latching on as well. It’s important, for the last bit.
x.
L.
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