Okay, let’s get back to the regularly scheduled program, shall we?
Where was I?
Oh right.
I can live in a world where people around me are distracted, dismayed, stressed out, tired, anxious, spread too thin, and disconnected. I can accept when I am told that those who I love are giving too much to too many and there’s not much left. I know in a very personal way what it’s like to go through the motions, while praying that you get a break, and also, spending time wondering how you got to the place you are in. I can do all of that gracefully and graciously. I will have moments where I fail, but they will be rare and of that, I am sure.
I cannot accept statements that nothing has changed. I cannot accept insistence that everything is fine and there is no distance or curtness or neglect. I cannot pretend that emojis are an acceptable form of response always or that the thumbs up emoji doesn’t make me want to break my phone. I cannot accept a verdict of off base when I clearly feel a shift.
I do take responsibility for myself. We are all going through something, and sometimes I do not handle that reality well. Sometimes it feels like everything is falling apart and I am still clinging to the notion of what was.
And then, there are the wishes.
The wishes that a friendship would only be comforting. The thought that people can band together and move through things together and will always crave that sort of togetherness that doesn’t mean being together but also, means a commitment to a sort of togetherness. A version of it.
A wish for whispers and signs and words that make things make sense.
I wish people could just be honest and say that they are trying and that means that things feel different. I wish they could be up front about what sits on their brain and in their heart, without feeling like they are left exposed and there is some weakness or there is something owed, or some commitment, or some burden.
I wish when I express how I feel, it brought about feelings of love instead of the desire to defend. I wish for an expression of things that is not an indication of judgment or disappointment, but rather, just a sentiment. I wish that when it matters the most, we could tell each other that we are all doing our best. Some of us aren’t, but that is exposed pretty quickly, and as for the rest of us, we are giving it our all.
I have let go over time of the notion that people find their own secret rhythm and hold steadfast to that pattern. I have let go of the self-criticism that comes after discovering that I misjudged and made something or someone bigger because I needed it.
Things I don’t wish for? I don’t wish to love less. To feel less. I don’t wish to not go through this exercise, because it’s opening my eyes and giving me perspective. I don’t wish to avoid soul growth or any single uninvited opportunity to decide that no matter what, I’m all in when it comes to this big, messy, sloppy, crazy life.
I’ve become all at once louder and quieter. Remember when I spoke about picking my battles? I do and I don’t. I am beginning to firmly understand the difference between compromise and giving up. I am really leaning into the notion that while certain battles must always be fought to thrive and find happiness, there are things best left behind.
And so, I have laced up and I am practicing again. I am sorting out how to keep the flame alive within me without anyone else helping move me along. I am figuring out how to accept a shift gracefully and decide where my happiness lies in that space. I am working to be confident in how I feel and what I know. Baby steps. First a walk, then a shuffle, then a run.
I truly think that’s what this is all about. I think we make it more complicated, we make it more complex, but it really isn’t. It feels bigger and more vast because it’s the most human part of us, the elements that make us want to grow and change, but it’s rather simple when you get close enough to observe.
It’s funny that way, life and the human experience. We are so busy being overwhelmed by everything that is involved in getting through each day, that when we look at some component of it, we find ourselves underwhelmed. We think we must be missing something. We make drama where none needs to exist. We find trouble and sadness and strife. The truth is that there’s already enough of that to go around, but in the thick of it, we don’t see that. All we see are the blank spaces and we deeply desire to fill them with something that excites us.
So then, the question becomes: how do I accept that these things, these human experiences, are somewhat just basically interwoven into everyday life, and then also, find the inner drive and motivation to make the changes that must be made to make the most out of it all?
It’s not easy and there is no one answer, or at least not one that I’ve found. I think it’s all an ebb and flow. Good days and bad days. Ups and downs. Forward movement and then a jolting drop back. The days where there is quiet and peace, I think we need to take a moment to breathe rather than searching for new ways to stimulate our senses. I think it is in that space that we find what we need to work on and where we need to go and who we should connect to and where a disconnect would be incredibly beneficial.
I think that when a lot of us say that we are tired, we are, but then also, we don’t have the words for what we are really feeling. I think that space where you are trying to figure out the ‘next’ feels a lot like exhaustion or fatigue. Confusion, heaviness, fear, frustration, anticipation, excitement, all mashed together.
I know that you might be thinking, nah, I’m actually tired. Yes. You likely are, but there are also likely other things going on too, and most of the time, to be human is to have difficulty separating.
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