I’ve spoken about this phenomenon before in a million different ways, but I am experiencing it so significantly right now, that it begs a revisit. Maybe you don’t need it, but I do.
I am trying to resist the urge to throw in a disclaimer. I can’t. I’m fighting other desires right now, so I have to be kind to myself and let something go. This is it.
I am good person in a very general sense but also, incredibly flawed. I have issues. I can fuck up. I can be withholding, grumpy, inconsiderate, clueless, and overly emotional. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. But yeah, generally speaking, I’m a decent human. I care about people and I do my best to be kind and respectful. However, I have my own shit. So, when I talk about what others “have done” to me, I am doing so without coming from a place of my own perfection. This is not me standing in judgment of others humanness. This is an actualization of who I am and what I need and what destroys me.
Good? Good.
I have this overwhelming desire to make things nice. I don’t have a good girl complex. I am not a people pleaser. I just loathe when things are unsteady and I have a hard time staying true to the reasons I took a step back from the start. This is likely the quality or character trait that has plagued me and harmed me the most in my life thus far.
I will stand up for myself and feel confident in my reasons and rationale, and then I will be met with what I affectionately call the ‘shut down’ and well, it shuts me down. The shut down comes in many shapes and sizes, so it may not be instantly recognizable as such. I’ve come face to face with the shut down in the form of manipulation, justification, insults, and silence. Each of these approaches is equally deadly and I can’t say that I have a viable solution for handling any of them, though I’m certainly working on it.
My thought it to run down each of these forms of the shut down and then land on the ways in which I’m trying to fight against it and resist the urge to make nice, and stay, with solid footing, in the place where I started. Basically stated, I’m going to share how I dig deep to locate the courage of my conviction.
Okay, let’s get this party started, shall we?
Manipulation. Just writing the word gives me goosebumps, and not the good kind. There are very specific definitions for manipulation, but I just want to speak from my heart here, or my gut. In my case, manipulation usually appears as the other person trying to convince me that I’m wrong by telling me that, well, I’m wrong. Or making themselves the only viable victim in any scenario. Like how the fuck could I possibly have something to say about them when the universe has already shit on them in every way possible and my life is objectively better?
Sure, maybe they were rude or callous or hurtful, but in the game of life, they are usually losing and I am winning and therefore, I do not have a leg to stand on.
Sometimes there’s just a twisting of the narrative such that it makes my revelation seem like a juvenile and off-base complaint. Suddenly I feel as if I’m making a big deal of nothing and I find myself apologizing. Sorry I even brought it up. Just forget about it. You are right and I am clearly wrong. I can even get to a place where I don’t remember why I said something from the get go. I must have been having a bad day or been in a bad mood. I am clearly blowing everything out of proportion, as I am apt to do.
The thing about skilled manipulators is that they have a keen sense of exactly what strings to tug on to make the manipulation as effective as possible. Are you picking up what I’m putting down? This is what makes manipulation so shitty in my humble opinion. The person who is the best at manipulating you, has to be someone incredibly close to you, or it doesn’t work. They have to know what makes you tick. What makes you sad and happy and most of all, insecure. They have to know all of those things and then, they find a brilliant way to weave it into a rebuttal that undermines and unseats every assertion you’ve made.
The simple examples? A friend knows I’m incredibly sensitive, so she tells me I’m just being sensitive. So simple and so effective. I’m already insecure when it comes to how I read situations or people, so to doubt it further isn’t a far jump. More complicated and perhaps more devious? Someone knows my relationship history and uses examples. I know that you were hurt by that person in this particular way, but just know that I am not them and I would never do that, and I don’t think it’s particularly fair that you would even accuse me of such a thing. Actually, it’s pretty hurtful and I’m fairly disappointed and you are making my heart hurt.
Holy shit! Did you see how that spiraled? That’s how it usually works. The most terrifying bit is that obvious or more subtle (and deviant) manipulation can both be effective. Even when we think we are being manipulated, if we have enough insecurities, we might doubt our ability to even interpret that accurately. We will start to question everything, but mostly, every decision or assessment that we make. Even if we come to a conclusion that part of what they are saying is nonsense, there is a still a niggling feeling that there is a truth buried within the bullshit and that’s enough to dull our strength and powers of persuasion.
Manipulative people scare me because the quality or character trait that makes them skillful manipulators, also gives them an inherent charm. They know how to get to know people, extrapolate meaningful and relevant information, establish trust. First, they draw you in and then, boom. Classic manipulation line? I understand you are upset and you do what you need to do. This is your choice. Come talk to me if you are ever ready. I certainly don’t want to hurt you.
Wow. That sounds so nice, right? There’s no apology in there, though. There’s no acknowledgment of your feelings other than to tell you that it’s all “on you”. There’s enough sugar on there where you start to think that maybe, just maybe, you are making the wrong decision. Maybe you just need to get over yourself. Right?
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