Good ol’ justification. Justification is when someone will try and demonstrate their behavior to be right and reasonable. Justification can be part of a manipulation strategy, but it can also stand completely on its own two feet. Justification can be extra tricky, because often there is no discrediting involved. It isn’t about someone telling you that your feelings are meaningless. Not at all. They are acknowledging your feelings, but telling you that generally speaking, you are wrong.
You aren’t wrong for feeling the way you do. In fact, feel all the feelings. You are wrong because their behavior, while upsetting to you, is incredibly justifiable. There is a legitimate and acceptable reason why they acted the way they did. They don’t really even owe anyone an explanation, because that is just creating unnecessary complication. However, they will likely be “kind” enough to provide you with that information because it’s clear that you are just not getting it and without that data, you will continue to spiral.
The support they provide in connection with this exercise can sound very weak and half-assed, but alternatively, it can be incredibly solid. The toughest part of this game (yes, that’s right, that’s what I think it is), is that the delivery is the most compelling part of the whole exchange. They will often speak with such unwavering confidence that it is nearly impossible to debate them. They seem so assured and so strong, how could they possibly be full of shit?
Well, because they are, or sometimes, they aren’t. What? Yes, that’s right. There might be some justification or solid rationale behind the way they acted, but it still doesn’t absolve them of responsibility. That can be the toughest pill to swallow and the most challenging argument that we make. I know that someone has suffered and they act a certain way as a direct result of that experience, and guess what? I can still think they are being a shitty human. I can have compassion and still hold someone accountable for their actions. The two points are not mutually exclusive. I KNOW that we’ve discussed that point quite a few times.
I think the most horrible, terrible, no-good part of the justification exchange, is that when we hear about someone’s reasons behind what they do, we often feel compelled to reiterate ours. We start to engage in a battle of whose reasons are more compelling. Sometimes we will even agree to a tie of sorts because we determine that both sides have some strong ideas and thoughts behind them. That sounds lovely, but it’s actually incredibly counterproductive.
Sure, things are smoothed over for the time being and that’s lovely and all but very little is learned from the experience and there is a 90% chance that a repeat is scheduled for the future. The repetitive nature might even be acknowledged in the exchange, but still, nothing really changes. It’s just more of the same.
There are times that we feel strong enough to combat a justification, particularly if it’s not the first time we are hearing a particular excuse. We will advise that we’ve heard that sad story before and it’s not sitting well with us. And then, they drop the justification check mate. You know what I’m about to say, no?
They tell us that they understand it’s something we’ve heard before, but they are working on it. They are trying their best. That may be true and I think that it’s important that we give ourselves and others grace when it comes to change and growth. There is no part of that process that can be rushed or is easy. However, and this is going to be a mind-bending moment for you, that still does not excuse shitty behavior, and you are still entitled to feel however the fuck you want to.
You can choose to stick around. If someone tells you that you’ve given them thought and they are working on something and you decide it’s worth the wait-and-see, that’s truly your choice. However, I will caution you that whatever comes after that point is on you. I don’t mean that in a threatening or ominous kind of way. Not at all. I’m just saying that when you decide that you want to hang in there, you need to know that it comes with a certain level of accountability.
I can tell you a million times that my last partner filled my head with all sorts of explanations and reasons and stories. I could sit here and blame him for every way in which we disintegrated. However, at some point, I knew what I was looking at and dealing with, and I decided to hang in, anyway.
He was very clear with how he felt (well mostly clear, when he wasn’t manipulating and gaslighting me) and I knew where he stood and I decided to plow forward, hurt feelings be damned. His explanations made sense. Not an insane amount of sense, but enough sense that I was willing to accept them as the truth. I was willing to take on his thought process as my own and use it as a path forward.
He too would tell me that he was working on things or it, or giving it some thought and this felt like enough. How could I begrudge someone their process? How could I be anything other than supportive and patient? Wasn’t my impatience indicative of a lack of understanding and more specifically, a lack of appreciation for what was good?
This same principle applies to friends that I have. They will tell me that they understand that this one rather massive component of our friendship is fucked up and dysfunctional, but given the history and all the other good stuff, it seems like the best plan of attack is to ignore the proverbial elephant in the room and hang out with the teeny little mice. They are cute and barely troublesome. Hard to catch but generally harmless, and that seems the way to go.
Sigh. No. But then again, none of this is okay, is it? Justification is another tactic used to discredit what you may be feeling in a moment or for some extended period of time. Is it ever acceptable? Well, sure, but it looks differently. You can explain to someone why you did something or why you felt a certain way, while still acknowledging that you’ve harmed them and then comes the magic- you don’t fucking do it again. Not intentionally. You learn. Crazy, I know.
x.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 