In my humble opinion, there are two distinct types of insult. There are obvious insults, and then subliminal or underhanded insults (you know, the backhanded compliment). I’m not sure why I’m even indulging in this exercise, but I did take to wondering which type of insult I find the most troublesome. Sort of ridiculous, right? Like it’s an insult, so who gives a fuck which is more palatable? Well, it’s easier to identify and respond to an insult if you can process all the nuances and aspects.
I want to say that I struggle the most with the backhanded compliment, but there’s something about the aggression of a straight up insult that’s hard to combat. Where my personality is concerned, I usually find myself feeling intimidated and overwhelmed in the moment and it’s only later when I think of all the things I could have said or should have said. I feel fiery and imagine starting the conversation anew, just to get my words in, but it’s too late. Everything has come to a conclusion and I’m just left feeling bad and regretful.
What is amazing is that because I’m a more sensitive person, even though I can be tough, I often wither in the face of an insult. Instead of calling the person out in the moment by asking why on earth they would say such a thing, I feel sad and sweaty and anxious. I do. I just melt down. I don’t know how to process. Which, as you can imagine, makes for the perfect scenario to provoke someone just disavowing my feelings and shutting me down. Typically, I’m too stunned over the exchange to stay on track. It unnerves me and turns me straight on my head. In other words, it’s highly effective.
What about the other bit? The underhanded compliment or sneaky insult. I’ve never really understood why we refer to this particular situation as a compliment. If it’s ‘underhanded’ in nature, is it possible that it’s a compliment? Or is it just someone being snarky and shitty? I vote for option number two. I want to talk about general underhanded compliments and then we can move onto where it’s used in response to the expression of discontent.
Standard underhanded compliments? Wow, no one else could pull off a dress like that. You know what, I give you credit for staying friends with someone like that. No one could really begrudge you staying at that same job for so long, there’s something about comfort, no? I’m sure you’ve heard these before or perhaps you have other ideas floating around your head right now. But anyway, you get the point.
When it comes to feelings, I find that there is usually an expression that is connected to who you are and what you are feeling. What do I mean by that? Well, someone telling you that they admire what a deeply sensitive person you are really, and they are amazed at how you seem to feel everything all the time, but….
Perhaps they will tell you that they appreciate your commitment to honesty, but it’s that quality that makes them not want to share things with you.
You hear that there is a trait you have that they think is good (maybe, sort of, kind of), but then you really hear all the ways in which that particular trait alienates them or keeps them at bay, or forces them to respond to you in a very specific fashion that might not be to your liking.
I know that you feel like I was shutting you down when we were speaking, but you are so honest, which is lovely, but challenging, and I just couldn’t listen to it. You hear that and think that they are saying something nice, but then you immediately recognize that it’s not so nice and clearly, neither is the result.
Many of us, myself included, do not have the desire to be combative. We don’t want to argue with someone or try and change their mind about something that they feel strongly about. We think that they only way to engage when we are being insulted is to employ one of those two options. Either we get in their face and tell them they are wrong and/or they are being shitty, or we decide to go at them in a way that changes their mind about whatever it is they shared.
In our heads, either interaction feels spicy and heated and altogether unpleasant. We can’t really think of another way to move forward. We certainly can’t imagine any scenario where things are smoothed over or resolved when the interaction has come to a close. Any which way we slice the cake, it falls apart. And everyone wants to eat cake, so best to not slice it at all. Let’s just admire it from afar and hope it stays intact.
I’ve learned that there needs to be cake dismantling from time to time. The thing is, and apologies for staying with this theme, but now I’m committed, the crumbs taste just as good as the slices. It’s not as clean and it’s certainly not as pretty, but really, it’s the same shit. We just have to feel comfortable knowing that stuff has to fall apart before it makes sense some times. We have to hit rock bottom with ourselves and others. We have to dig deep into our relationships and expose the cracks and lumps and bumps. We have to get real and understand that a real connection is made up of compelling and attractive reasons and all the yuck, too. It’s just a game of deciding which outweighs the other. Looking at the pros and cons and deciding whether or not a relationship is continuing to serve you.
It’s not unlike other areas that I’ve also explored this week. If someone insults us in the heat of the moment and there is accountability and an apology and a real recognition, that’s great. If it continues to happen, the rest of it is bullshit and you are deciding to remain attached to someone who feels comfortable insulting you. There’s no ‘well, I didn’t know this would hurt you’ when you’ve explained one hundred different ways what hurts you. You can listen to it again and again, and you can even listen to them tell you that you are just too much, or you can decide to be done with all of that. The choice is yours.
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