Silence. Perhaps the most brutal of it all. I deeply struggle with silence. I’ve talked about this so many times that you might be rolling your eyes right about now. Yes, we get it. We know you can’t stand the silent treatment. We understand. Get over it.
I can’t. Get over it. I just cannot. Silence takes me to my knees. Silence creates a space that I want to fill with all my words, many of which are completely counterproductive to the entire exercise. I want to make nice. I will say anything so long as you decide to talk to me again. Please. I cannot take the emptiness that your withdrawal has left behind.
What’s magical and truly terrible about silence is that in many ways, it is the culmination of everything else we’ve been talking about this week.
Manipulation. Silence is one of the purest and most deadly forms of manipulation. Most people don’t do well when faced with silence, but some, like me, are annihilated by it. And thus, someone will use silence to lure you back into the web. Or perhaps, they want to incite insanity. They want to get you worked up, and they know that silence is the way to do that. Cool, who cares? Well, I can tell you that historically, when I’ve responded to silence, it’s with some measure of hysteria. I’m mad, but also, I’m panicked. I’m really fucking afraid of what the silence means and so, I babble. I say things to make nice. Just talk to me again, and we don’t even have to address that thing that I said hurt me. Let’s just make that go away and go back to our regularly scheduled programming. Cool? Cool.
It’s so fucking bad. It’s cruel. The only thing I will say is that someone people aren’t manically laying out what all of this is going to look like. Sometimes it’s just a natural response and the way they are built. They are having difficulty engaging or responding and they believe silence to be a safer bet. Do you know one of the easiest ways to identify malicious versus innocent silence? With silence that is not intended to harm (though it can still cause harm), the person who is dishing out the quiet will often preface it by acknowledging the move. I’m sorry, but I need to take a step back. I need a moment so I don’t say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t talk about this right now. Again, there might still be hurt and harm experienced, but that is someone who is likely (not always, but mostly) not intending to make things awful. They just need a beat.
Justification. I was right in doing what I did or saying what I did, and there my reasoning is not resonating with you, so the best thing for me to do is freeze you out. You just don’t get it, you can’t get it, and that’s not my problem. I will say what I have to say and then, I will decide to be done. It is what it is. Great. That’s swell and not at all arrogant. Also, that doesn’t in any way induce panic on the other side of the equation. What if I don’t understand? What if it doesn’t make any sense to me? What if it just causes me pain and harm and sadness? What then?!
Insult. Well, silence falls into two different categories of insult, doesn’t it? There is the silence that follows the insult. I’m going to say something really shitty that hurts your feelings and then I’m going to shut down. I’m not going to give you an opportunity to rebut what I’ve said or respond to it. I’m just going to say go fuck yourself and then peace out. If you don’t like it, go scratch.
Then, there is the very real situation that silence is in itself the insult. I am expressing to you all the things that cause me harm and your response is well, nothing. Air. Maybe you don’t know what to say, but instead of admitting that you don’t know what to say to me, you decide that you are going to say nothing at all. That sucks, but the bit that really stings is the ‘fuck you, I don’t owe you a response’.
You know what’s amazing? Silence fits into a million different situations and categories. It is a versatile and oft used weapon. Even people who claim that they are just taking a moment, are often using silence with purpose. How many times have you heard someone mention they are left on read. They are livid, no? Burned up. I know you saw my text and you are choosing not to open it. Why? The ever-evolving technological landscape has brought the game of silence up a notch. There are so many ways to ignore another person or dish them out an unhealthy servicing of nothing at all.
I think more often than not, people use silence as a weapon because there is something about it that’s easy and there is an element of power behind it. You feel powerful in your ability to leave someone hanging. You feel powerful because you haven’t say anything to weaken your position. There has been no concession. You have had the last word or they have said something that makes you feel itchy, but now you are not responding and suddenly, everything feels right in the world. Funny how that works.
You might be shaking your head right now, but I’ve spoken to enough friends to know that even people I consider to be kind get off on ignoring people. Hell, I’ve been there myself. Yes. I have. I’m not proud of it, but there are times that I am pleased with not responding to someone. Generally speaking, I am not a fan of silence as a strategy in dealing with anything, but I have definitely stooped and it doesn’t benefit anyone if I lie about it.
You know what the difference is, and I’m being honest here? I feel like garbage. I count the seconds until I can talk again. It doesn’t fill me with feelings of empowerment and joy. I instantly feel stuck in a shit cycle of my own creation. I cry a lot. Yeah. I do. I write out texts and delete them. I allow my finger to hover over someone’s contact information in my phone and then I exit out, as quickly as possible. It’s terrible. But still, I’ve done it. I might do it again. But still, it sucks.
Message: silence doesn’t solve anything. Space? Sure. But just silence? Nope. Never. Ever. You can send a message with silence, but chances are, it’s not the message you are intending. People read silence as they wish to, and it’s usually based on what they feel and how they feel and who they are, so try something different.
x.
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