Yo.

Hi. So, this sort of crazy but innately human thing happened to me. I want to share it, because I think it is incredibly relevant to what we chat about, regularly.

Two different people that I was close with (am close with? was close with?) called me out about my blog. They both were extraordinarily critical for different reasons, but the common theme was that both used it as a weapon against me. I was accused of using this page as a sort of burn book. I was challenged in connection with the standard I have for those I choose to walk alongside on this journey.

I was really fucking hurt, for so many reasons. First of all, both humans decided to hold onto this tidbit and use it against me when it suited them. Secondly, the accusations that were made basically painted me to be the worst human ever. Truly. The worst kind. Petty and mean and sneaky, and oh, cowardly, and let’s not forget full of myself.

Want to know the painful truth? While they both accused me of talking shit in my blog, I know two things to be true, as follows: 1. I’ve never said something on here that I haven’t said directly to the human I’m referring to and 2. This is my space for revelation and transition, for learning. In other words, I’ve never professed to be perfect or to be someone who knows it all. To the contrary, I’m just stumbling along trying to figure it all out, and I’m sharing with the thought that you might be on the same journey and maybe we can make space for each other.

I’m not sure what hurt me worse, the notion that someone incredibly close to me thinks that I’m a know-it-all, or the idea that someone I’m tight with thinks that I need to lower my expectations.

Like much of what I’ve bumped into on this whirlwind adventure I call life, I will tell you that I took a moment to seriously consider what was being shared with me. I understood that these two individuals had thoughts and feelings that were firmly based in their experience with me. I tried, to the best of my ability (though it’s hard as hell) to tug back my ego and approach the situation with as much grace as I could.

What I discovered is that while there are parts of me that I am actively trying to work on and while there are also parts of me that I will identify for a makeover at some point in the future, I didn’t agree with the assessment that was thrust upon me in the heat of the moment.

Am I opinionated? You bet your ass I am. I have very strong feelings about a lot. Some of it is based firmly in fact-based analysis and then some shit, is just how I feel, deep down, where few have access. That said, I was raised in a home where we listen to others. We hear people out and try to consider their perspective and get to the bottom of where they might be coming from. I was taught to not have such an attachment to an opinion that it can’t be shifted when faced with compelling evidence to the contrary. There’s nothing wrong with being wrong.

With that understood, I am not usually one who prefaces every statement I make with ‘in my opinion’ or the ever popular ‘imo’, because I suppose I thought that was implied. If someone asks me what I think, sure, they might believe that I have done my research or dug into an issue on some level, but also, I am just sharing what I think. I know, pretty amazing, eh?

What was particularly heart wrenching about the ‘you’re an arrogant human’ diatribe is that it was almost immediately evident that this person started me out with a handicap. They already saw me in a certain light, so subscribing to the notion that I’m ‘this way’ wasn’t such a far reach. Of course, it was right around the time of this revelation that I found myself wondering what the fuck I am doing. Why am I friends with someone who sees me that way? Well, because it’s it the epitome of gross to drop someone just because they have a certain view of you? Yes, but also, no.

I want friends who see me as incredibly imperfect. But also, I want them to believe in my capacity for change. I want them to see that I try. Often. Again, and again. And then, I stop, and then, I start. My life is a never-ending journey to find who I am in the face of every experience life throws me way.  I want them to call me out on my shit when they see it. I also want them to believe I am fundamentally a decent human. If they don’t and we are still ‘friends’, I’m confused. Truly. Perplexed.

I have several friends that have radically different points of view than me when it comes to a variety of issues. When I ask their opinion or their advice, I don’t expect them to regurgitate what I would say. In fact, it is often because we fall on different sides of the fence that I ask their POV. I want to understand what I could be missing or how to see things another way. I don’t ask them what they think and then rip them to shreds or hold their opinion against them. Oh no. You know what I do, often? I learn. I do. I might not feel as strongly about my perspective when we are done chatting. Or, I might feel more committed to my position than ever before, having been given the chance to explore. Either way, it’s a positive experience, or at least, mostly has been.

I hope I never stop learning and shifting and hearing people out from all walks of life.

I hope that the people who I love know that when I express myself, it is truly my opinion and then also, I am coming from a place of concern and love, not criticism.

I hope that I am able to use the criticism I face as time-out to regroup and reconsider and rethink and maybe, do a little better. Maybe, do a lot better. Not because I’m a shitty person or a know-it-all, just because I can’t think of something better or more positive coming out of a hurt heart.

You know? Okay, more on this tomorrow. I’m a bit tired from all this self-righteous, big-headed ranting.

X

L.