I know, I know. Tomorrow was a pretty long stretch this go around. What can I say? I have a lot going on and I’m trying to practice self-care since I go on and on about it all the damn time.
Anyway, speaking of self-care, I’d love to talk about standards. I basically talk about them all the time, in a variety of forms. What do I mean by that? Well, standards also come in the form of boundaries. That’s right. I said it. I have found that the expression of my standards or my bottom line is often best expressed through the establishment of boundaries.
This is where we tell someone on the other side of a relationship that we are committed to going so far and no further. This is the most I’m willing to entertain in this direction and if you don’t like it, then bugger off, because I’m flexible in a general sense, but there’s zero fucking change I’m bending on this one.
I honestly don’t know what’s been tougher throughout my life, the reflection on what my standards actually are or the enforcement or upholding bit.
I can tell you, though I imagine I already have, that finding what works for me and articulating that to others has been a nearly impossible task for most of my life. I could wax poetic and tell you a whole tale about what that means or why, but the truth is, I have often felt kind of crap about myself and so, I’ve talked myself out of whatever I thought I deserved.
I have created an entire narrative about why it’s too much for me to tell people that they have hurt my feelings or offended me or I feel badly for one reason or another. So, imagine my surprise [and horror] when someone is supposed to be a good friend, tells me that my expectations have risen to a level that could be seen as lofty or offensive and…wait for it….she feels badly for the people I apply those standards to who fall short.
Whoa.
I didn’t even know how to process when this was said to me. I didn’t. Let’s be honest, the first thing I did was question myself. Intensely. Have my standards gotten out of control? Just who the fuck do I think I am? And then I realized that my standards are actually pretty normal. In fact, I err on the side of light when it comes to my asks in life and friendships and relationships.
I crave consistency. I want people to reciprocate. I don’t need them to give like I give, but I want them to give in a way that still feels like something. I want them to touch base with me because they wonder how I am. I want to be able to have different rules for different relationships based on who that person is to me. My standards or thoughts are not a one-size-fits-all situation. I want to be able to look at who the person is and what they mean to me and how close we are and what I think they are capable of, and find a spot that feels good all around. I’m not asking for something outside what they are capable of giving but also, I have found a baseline.
What I have found is the toughest part of this exercise is when someone slips below the baseline. Do we move our line? Do we adjust? Sure, sometimes we do. Sometimes people are in a place in their lives when they aren’t really comfortable of giving anything at all, and we have to decide whether they have earned a pass. Are we close enough that we want to give them space to do whatever the fuck it is they need to do, regardless of how it makes us feel? Maybe. Or maybe, the behavior is so abhorrent that is just doesn’t work anymore. Maybe that’s a sign that everyone has to go their separate ways. That’s okay too. Sure, it sucks. It doesn’t feel great, but it feels a whole lot better than sticking around and feeling like garbage all the time.
What I’ve learned is that I’m absolute shit at pretending I’m okay with something I’m not okay with, so I guess my question is, why on earth would I? Does that serve the friendship or that relationship? Is it a growth moment for me? Probably not. I’m not talking about being open-minded or flexible. I’m talking about completely abandoning one’s sense of what feels okay.
The thing is, I couldn’t figure out what my friend found most offensive. Was it that I have standards and try and apply them to my relationships? Of course, I may get salty and have some words to say about someone. I’m human. I refuse to lie about that. But I talk about it so I can get it off my chest and move on. Let’s not pretend that we all don’t do that, k? That’s ridiculous. Maybe some people just bury their shit deeper, but it’s there. No question.
I want to say again that I lived for many, many years, most of my life, without standards. In fact, this friend often encouraged me to stand up for myself and not let people take advantage of me. And then, bam. Shut down. Counted out. Criticized. Destroyed.
It hurt so fucking bad too. It did. I think it’s important that I be honest about that so I’m not all like big balls energy here. I was devastated. I rethought and reread and well, cried. And then I realized that this is the work. THIS. It’s not when it’s easy. It’s when someone you thought loved you tells you to get a grip in the least loving way possible. It’s when people decide that you are too much and you realize you aren’t but maybe you are two puzzle pieces that don’t fit anymore. Somehow you got tossed into the wrong box and there’s a definite mismatch and there’s no turning back.
This doesn’t mean I didn’t think things over and consider where I can be bendy in a way that still keeps me holding fast to my standards. I did. Always growing. Always changing. Always compromising, but only in a way that keeps me, me.
Get it?
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