When has fear sabotaged you from growth?
I was reading recently and this question was posed as something to explore. My immediate response? All the time. Every time. Often. Frequently. Typically.
I want to say never. I want to tell you that I have always been able to overcome my fears to grow as a human. I will tell you that in the most general sense, this is true when it comes to adventures. No matter how much my belly hurts, I will often find a way to rally if I’m faced with flying somewhere exotic or scaling a mountain. I will dig deep and find what I need to persevere.
Sure, I usually need a pep talk from mom or a well-traveled friend, and I don’t sleep much the night before I head out, but I always find my ass on that plane or in the car when it’s time.
When it comes to my relationships with other humans, I can’t boast the same track record. I’m usually so scared of loss or change or confrontation or all of the above, that I find myself frozen in place, or worse, back tracking. It’s an awful feeling but I think about the potential or what I might feel on the other side, and deem the disappointment in myself the lesser of two evils.
What usually happens is that I start to move in the direction that would best serve me and then I’m met with some resistance (even the tiniest smidgen) and I about face. That resistance comes in a variety of forms.
Sometimes it’s good ol’ denial. The person on the other end of my explanation or plea tells me in the most benign way possible that they have zero idea what I’m referring to. I affectionately call this exchange the ‘it’s not me, it’s you’. When this interaction occurs, I deflate. Almost instantly. If someone is adamant about my wrongness, I shrink. The ugly truth is that even when I’m pushed back against this particular response (or defense), it doesn’t go much of anywhere. It looks like this:
I feel like you’ve just completely ignored me lately and it’s not a great feeling.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
We literally haven’t spoken in three weeks, outside of me checking on you.
But, didn’t I respond when you checked-in? This begins the wavering.
Well, yeah, you responded, but you haven’t reached out at all. Nothing.
So, it’s just that you feel like you should not have to be the one to reach out? Zing.
No. That’s not what I’m saying. I just feel like I’m chasing you lately.
You don’t have to chase. I’m right here. I’m incredibly stressed and busy, and yet, I still made time to respond to you when you reached out. This feels pretty dramatic, no? Cooked. Done.
Yeah, maybe.
Was that painful to read? It was brutal to write. I wanted to change things around, so it didn’t look so gross, but also, we are in the business of being real here, so I didn’t. What usually follows an exchange such as the one above is me replying everything in my mind. The events that preceded the discussion, the interaction, the rationalizing I engaged in to get to the point of discussion. I will start to question myself and second-guess absolutely everything. Maybe I am being too sensitive. Maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe I am just a giant pain in the ass.
Well, first of all, all of those points may be true. It doesn’t change anything. I can work on myself, for sure, but it’s likely not helpful to have close relationships where I’m tested constantly. If I’m someone who crumples under the strain of inconsistency, which I am, then I’m probably at my best when I’m connecting to those who are fairly consistent. That doesn’t mean that someone won’t have a bad day or I won’t ever be a shit and inspire shitty responses. That just means that generally speaking, I’m not great whilst riding emotional roller coasters. Some people are, and they can just go with the flow. I am not, and it’s best to admit these shortcomings or inabilities. Makes life easier on everyone.
So, I can push through the denial, proclaiming that I’m sharing how I feel and how a situation feels for ME, or I can let it ride. Understand who that person is and attempt to make a shift in the relationship so I feel less….frantic.
Sometimes, people will respond with anger, which looks fairly similar to the denial exchange, but spicier. Sometimes, someone will respond in a way that feels like it’s kind and engaging but is a really Trojan Horse of sorts. Meaning? Well, they might tell me that they are so sorry I’m feeling shitty. They feel so sorry for me that I feel things in the way that I do. It must be so hard to be so reactive. You see what I mean? Garbage.
Before these interactions have even happened, I often contemplate the person on the other end and my history with them, and the imagined scenario is terrifying enough to throw me right off course. I don’t even have to have the conversation. I’m self-handicapping and crawling into a hole like it’s going out of style.
What’s my point? Well, every time I wither in the face of such treatment, I miss an opportunity for growth. I miss a chance to have a voice and navigate dealing with personalities that are challenging for me. I miss out on soul growth in a real way. All I’m doing is delaying an inevitable unraveling or kicking the proverbial can down the road. Sure, I’ve bought myself more time, but rarely is that time used in a productive fashion. I suppose sometimes there is an opportunity for reflection and fortification, but it’s too rare to be the rule and is more appropriate as an odd exception.
The truth is that when we grow, we leave people behind sometimes. When we grow, we move away from habits that keep us tied to places and things. When we grow, we identify traits that we have that we’d like to work on, tweak, throw in the garbage altogether. That’s right, growth means change, and change is terrifying, and so begins the vicious circle. Or cycle? Or both.
My bottom-line message is that fear has sabotaged me from growth when I’ve allowed it to. Fear has sabotaged me from growth time and again. I see it now, more clearly than I have ever before. And so, I’m working on pushing through. Not easy, but the only way to the other side is through…
X
L.
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