Where did I leave off? Oh right. Social media stalking. Amazing, right? So cute. No wonder I’m pondering my ability to be a social creature. I would ask who does that, but the better question is, who admits that? I do. I am. I think it’s important that we keep it real. I want to describe in brutal detail how I’ve felt so that you understand how I got to where I am.
I want to start with something of a disclaimer, or an explanation. This series of posts is not intended to shame anyone who has friendships such as the ones I described yesterday. I am not inside of those structures and relationships and so, I truly have no ability to speak to them. I am merely an outsider looking in, and it is from that seat that I am sharing.
I will also not get to a place where I tell you that I figured out that I am better than these folks, or more evolved. I don’t believe anything of the sort. This is about my inner journey and my feelings of self in the context of the relationships I’ve observed around me.
Okay, so I was in a place (and I can share that it’s not the first time I’ve been there) where I was questioning why I can’t be more like other people. Why am I incapable of maintaining friendships in the way these other folks do and have? Am I plagued with some fundamental unlikability and that’s why I struggle? Is it just that I never really put in the effort? Did I choose to move away from certain friendships over the years?
A woman who I went to high school with ran a fundraiser for first responders during the early days of the pandemic. I supported her initiative and we ended up having a bit of a back and forth. I almost asked her what she thought of me in high school. Can you imagine such an exchange? How desperate and strange? Or not?
Is there something wrong with asking another person what they think of you or how they’ve seen you? Well, no, but also, sort of. I suppose it depends on what you intend to do with the information and also, how you react to the provision of that information. Is your objective to be confrontational with that person? Do you want to convince them of something or change their mind or perhaps talk them out of their particular point of view? Once you hear what they have to say, are you going to use that information to boil a giant cauldron of regret? Do you intend to chastise yourself or rethink every decision you’ve ever made? What does that interaction look like for you or to you?
What if we could have meaningful exchanges about how we come across in a way that is constructive and leads to soul growth? Could that potentially make the whole thing a better experience or even an invaluable one?
I want to go back to something I started talking about a week or so ago. I was sharing on here that I had some friends who were incredibly critical of me. I shared that I’m willing to hear how I come across but the messaging and then the delivery of the message left something to be desired. I felt beat up and massacred. In the absence of a good deal of specifics, I just felt, well, unlikable.
And yes, if we are being real, of course I wanted to do something to shift this perspective. I didn’t want to hear those certain friends have a negative view of me. I mean, does that mean we are still friends? Or are we merely pretending to be friends? Where do I go from that point? Am I just jumping off into an abyss or committing to continue on, as-is, with blinders?
Of course, I can’t predetermine or coach someone into engaging with me in a way that is more productive. Just as I am longing to be myself, I have to accept that they are who they are as well. Taking aside for a moment whether or not they intend to harm and whether the harm they cause is something they struggle with; I don’t have a deep burning desire to shape the way they convey information. What that means is that I am left digging through what I’m presented with and determining my individualized take-away.
Am I strong enough to do that? I’m not so sure. Not right now at least. Okay, so what does that mean? Well, for starters, it means that I likely shouldn’t engage when folks seem to have a burning desire to share with me all the ways in which I’m failing as a human. I shouldn’t seek out “feedback” from anyone until I’m really ready to hear what they have to say, and more importantly until I have the tools necessary to reshape what they are saying into usable and useful information.
Okay, so we have decided, or at least I have, that it’s not feasible for us to have a meaningful exchange with most people where we come away with an understanding as to how they see us and what that means in the grander scheme. What now?
Well, in the most traditional sense of things, most of us will then rely upon the way in which people behave around or towards us. We will abide by the power of the social cue. Depending on how you treat me, I will be able to extrapolate my ultimate likability.
I will base how much you like me on how often you initiate communication, whether or not you try and make plans with me, how you treat me when we are together, and how you represent our relationship to the outside world. I will analyze every little thing. I will focus on the presence and absence of actions and behaviors. I will come to conclusions and then second-guess myself and then start over again.
I will drive myself fucking crazy and, in the end, I will still have no idea how you feel because, well, you are you and I am me.
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