Hiya. Did you think that I was suggesting that every single relationship needs to be analyzed before one makes a decision how to proceed? Absofuckinglutely. I know that is a difficult concept to process, and there was a time when I would have been scared to share that thought with you. I would have been afraid that the sentiment comes across as over-the-top and needy and dramatic.
No longer. I now recognize that looking at any relationships, particularly friendships, and making real-time decisions based on thoughtful consideration, is the only way that we emerge unscathed from most human interactions.
It would be easy for me to say that I’m someone who can just go with the flow and when things start to go south, jump ship. I know that I’m not that person. The same way that I knew for a long time, I was hyper-focused on my likability. All of those feelings come from the same space within me. A space that’s sensitive and empathetic and mushy and concerned. A part of me that cares too much, always.
When I go with the flow, I tend to jump in with two feet, and by the time I recognize that things aren’t going in accordance with the plan in my head, it’s too late. I can’t seem to dig out and I’m swept away. I have to wait for everything to spectacularly fall apart. There’s no decision making or behavior shaping. I am just sitting and waiting for the first emotional punch to land.
And so, I realize that I am someone who needs to be proactive. I need to be thoughtful and mindful. I need to carefully consider and I need to always, and I mean always, be honest with myself when I’m making these decisions.
If I tell myself that I can handle pulling back from someone, I have to consider what that’s going to feel like and make my decision from that place. More importantly, I have to be willing to admit to myself that things feel worse or better than I imagined, and make subsequent decisions that may differ from my original line of thought.
I am often pulled by sentimentality or the feeling of what something was, versus what it is. I have memories of a friendship. Things that we did and places we visited and laughs that we shared and pain that we revealed. I look at the shambles that friendship might be in today and I cover every broken bit and bump and scar with the golden hue of my memories and suddenly, it feels impossible to consider letting go. Walking away? Who would do such a thing?
Well, here’s what I’ve learned. We can accept that things have changed and they no longer suit us without shitting all over the memory of what they were. I can understand and acknowledge that someone was the perfect friend for me at some point in my life and now, that doesn’t seem to be the case. I can admit that moving away from a relationship that no longer serves me doesn’t mean that I am unlikable but it could mean that, and it could be that I am just unlikable to that one human and it doesn’t have to be something generalized and broad-sweeping.
I know, this likely already sounds pretty gross, and it’s about to get worse. Sorry, but best to prepare you so you don’t think it’s all sunshine and rainbows from here on out.
Just because someone or some folks don’t like you doesn’t mean you are unlikable.
Just because there are qualities you have that make you unlikable to some, doesn’t mean that you have to change. You can, but you don’t have to. And quite frankly, if you decide to change, I hope that you are doing it for YOU and not for THEM, because in my experience, they will change again and find something else that they deem unlikable. You will be stuck in a vicious and exhausting cycle.
Just because our society has deemed likability the most important quality for a human to chase after and strive towards, doesn’t mean you have to get aboard that ship. That’s right. I am not suggesting that you decide you want to be unlikable. I am suggesting (oh the horror) that you just be yourself and whatever happens, happens.
That doesn’t mean that you disconnect from how you come across to others or act like a total dickhead in a very general sense. It just means that your focus is more so on your authentic self and less so the self that others need you to connect with in order for them to truly like you.
That sounds beautiful, but it is entirely brutal. It is. Why? Well, in my experience, whenever someone tells you that a part of you is unlikable, you have a much harder time connecting to that part or supporting its longevity and thriving.
A friend tells me that my desire to establish higher standards for the relationships in my life is gross and unlikable. I simultaneously want to tell her to fuck off and want to change my commitment to that journey. In fact, I will spend time floundering in the middle part of those two extremes. I will be angry that she has made such an observation and also, I will begin to question the standards I’ve set in my head and my steadfast loyalty to them. I will be a hot ass mess. Over time, its likely that I will move closer to letting go of those standards. I might not even attribute my letting go to that friend and our friendship might fall apart anyway. That’s actually not the issue at the heart of the matter. It’s not my relationship with her. Rather, she’s branded a journey of mine, one that is rife with distasteful moments and I have difficulty separating from that label in the future.
I will quash the thoughts in my head that whisper she’s right and in time, find a narrative that I determined I had swung too far in the wrong direction. I had been hurt by too many and I was healing and somehow, I ended up on the wrong side of things. I clearly needed to be more dramatic about it all before I found my footing in the in-between and took a more measured approach to it all. I will not desire to give her credit for such a transformation. In fact, it may not even be top of mind. I will unconsciously find myself making this transition and it will be heart breaking for me, and only me.
x.
L.
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