Happy Monday! Did I leave your brain spinning all weekend? I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intention. Like I said, this topic is a big one for me and so, I am rigorously and excitedly trying to get every last thought out on paper. The craziest part is that there is still so much left to cover. Clearly, this is not a week-long topic situation. This is a topic that requires far more in the way of energy and time.
What have I shared so far? Well, our society tells us that we should strive to be likable. Thus, we work very hard at being likable. When we discover ourselves as unlikable to few or many, this is incredibly damaging to our sense of self and colors the way in which we move in the world. It changes the way we connect. In fact, some might disconnect altogether because they don’t even see the point in trying. They think the whole situation is an exercise in futility.
I’ve also described the fickle nature of likability. Sometimes we think that someone REALLY likes us, but they actually REALLY like some part of us that they are able to connect with and when that one thing changes, they might not be willing to or interested in exploring whether there is something else there. Also, there are occasions where we connect on a variety of levels and still, we find ourselves barely liked by a person who seemingly liked us before.
We could spend a long time pondering all of this, or we could go back to the one piece of advice I shared, expanded upon, and then walked away from. I think it makes sense to be considerate when entering into relationships. I think we need to pay attention to what people say, what they do, and all the little cues that fall in between.
I think we need to understand that human relationships are incredibly complex and there is no easy answer, outside of it being a lot easier to move around in the world if your one singular approval rating comes from you.
Let’s go back to standards for a moment. The friend that told me my standards were too high shared with me that she felt badly for the people I shared my life with who “fell short” and understood that I could never be satisfied in any relationship with that thought process or approach. I pondered this for quite some time until I realized that she missed the point altogether. Then again, so did I.
My response to her was to explain that I had been treated badly by so many for so long, that I was just trying to find myself in the fog. I was trying to establish parameters for the people in my life so that I could avoid harm. That’s true, but you know what is also real? Well, I was for the first time telling myself what I need from other humans who share my life. I wasn’t judging those who weren’t in a position to fulfill my needs, but more so, asking myself where I was able to compromise or not.
My standards were not some attempts to radically impact the relationships in my life, but rather, an attempt to find my truest self. I was feeling around in the dark to figure out what makes me tick and what brings me joy. I was identifying situations and interactions where I was not my best self and I was doing all that I could to avoid those situations or to find strategies for navigating them in a way that better serves me.
I am not looking around and thinking the world shit and everyone in it not good enough for me. I am trying to find a place in which I am good enough. I am not knowingly walking into or sticking with relationships that make me feel bad. I am trying to sort out my likability from the quest for such.
It’s so fucking hard being human and what I often find is that we make it even harder on ourselves. We were pre-programmed to think that we exist in the world to please everyone around us and make them like us, and that’s a very hard thought pattern to break.
I think that we should strive to be kind and compassionate and generous and introspective and forgiving and flexible. All of the above. I think that we should also accept that no matter how much of that we embrace, there will be people around us who like and don’t like us for all the reasons. Everything.
There will be people that take issue with our personalities or belief systems. There will be many who won’t be able to specifically identify what irks them, but they know that it’s just “something.” We cannot deem ourselves loveable based on how many find us likable. We have to look at the quality of our relationships over the quantity.
Or not. Have to is a strong and unfair phrase. I’m not trying to establish doctrine for you here. I am merely repeating a mantra that I have established for myself.
Here’s a really wild thought that I think you might want to bat around: I can be unliked by many and still have value and still be deserving of love and still not have to fundamentally change everything about myself. That’s right. Likability is not the end-all-be-all, unless we are talking about the love, we have for ourselves.
I’m not there yet. I’m not at the “I fucking love me” place, but I am moving away from the “you have to like me or else” place every single day I’m alive. I am looking at that place and deciding that while it’s a place that nearly every other human tends to hang out, it’s not the place for me.
I’m not part of some exclusionary club or bullshit regime. This is just me sharing with you that I am trying to break the chains that have placed a stranglehold on me for most of my life because I’ve been consumed with the need for likability. Maybe you feel more comfortable there. That’s fine. It’s your life. You can still consider the importance of likability, even if it doesn’t generally cause you stress. You can use that sentiment as a barometer for how to change and when to change.
I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that the answer is not being universally liked by all. Of that much, I am sure. Have a good weekend.
X
L.
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