I wish I could tell you that yesterday’s story was a piece of pure fiction. I wish I could tell you that I have a vivid imagination and I was able to imagine that kind of pain and terror. I mean, I’m sure I could, but I don’t have to. It happened to me in mostly that exact fashion and so, I have a very real reference point.
I was looking at a post on self-care the other day and in a split second, I chastised myself for not really having a fucking clue what that means. I mean I do, but also, I don’t. I know how to lay in bed and read or take a bath or light some candles and do yoga. I know how to meditate and make myself a beautiful meal and take a silly book out of the library to get lost in. I know how to watch garbage tv or have coffee with a dear girlfriend or go for a walk in the early hours when not a soul is up and about.
That kind of self-care resonates with me. The kind that photographs well for social media. The kind you can brag about or schedule on your phone.
The kind I fail at, is the slowing down. The taking a beat. The reconsidering and rethinking and saying no. I’m going to go off on what might seem like a tangent, but I promise you that it isn’t.
I was talking about one particular friendship the other day and this thought popped out of my mouth before I could stop it. Once the sentiment was airborne, I considered taking it back, but decided I ought not. There is a reason that the thought occurred to me and the only reason I want to retreat or recall the message is because it’s tough to contemplate.
I’m going to share this thought, but rather than limiting myself to the confines of that particular friendship, I want to go bigger. Big enough to capture all of ‘em. Well, I guess it makes sense to start with the smaller revelation first.
Okay, so I remarked that I wasn’t sure if a friend had gotten in touch because they missed me and our friendship or they couldn’t handle the blow to their ego. In other words, I was no longer raptly attentive to the friendship, or this person and they weren’t really mourning the loss of me, but rather, their insides were smarting considering that they had lost attention from one of the people who had previously been in their orbit.
I’m not trying to vilify the person I’m referring to (even though you don’t actually know who they are at this moment in time). Not even a little. I think that this is common for many, which leads me to the bigger picture issue.
How often do we look at our friendships and contemplate the utility or inherent value of those connections?
I want to be clear that I’m not here trying to be some judgmental bitch who measures every friendship against some insane standard; making spur of the moment decisions on the regular who to keep and who to ditch. I’m trying to get you to understand, or get myself to process, that relationships, like the people in them, evolve over time. We have to check in from time-to-time and see what’s still working for us, and what needs to change.
I believe powerfully in the ability to shift and grow as a human. I think that if we are vocal about our wants and desires, the people who we share our life with will often rise to the occasion. They may not morph into the person we fantasize about, but they will get a lot closer to what we need, and that’s really something.
What I do know is that we don’t fundamentally change as humans. The intrinsic bits that make us who we really are, tend to stay constant. Our emotional DNA, if you will. We will change as a result of experience and external factors (new job, new living situation, etc.) but the core of who we are will stay put. This is what I’ve found anyway. You might have a different experience, and I respect that entirely. But, for the sake of this point, I’m going to remain loyal to what I understand the world and people to be at this time. Okay? Good.
You might be thinking “swell, so if we are who we are, then isn’t it just my fault for picking the wrong people?” No. Not really. People come into our lives for all different reasons and under a wide variety of circumstances. Maybe we met them at work or through our children or at the gym. Sometimes we met them whilst traveling to the same place or using the same food store to procure groceries.
You never really know how or why someone is going to be dropped into your path, and it’s what you do with that information and relationship that’s meaningful.
Cool. What does this have to do with where I started? How does this tie back to a story about me taking an epic spill on the sidewalk?
Well, the relationships that we have and how we conduct ourselves are a very major part of self-care. When we have relationships that drain us or make us question our sanity or worth, we are expending massive amounts of energy without good reason.
I think we know each other by now (if not, hi, you’ll catch on quickly), but I’m not talking about working at a relationship. ALL relationships require some modicum of work. All require energy and devotion on whatever level the nature of the relationship demands. I’m talking about the relationships where you constantly find yourself pondering why you are still in each other’s lives. You feel tempted to make a pros and cons list, but you don’t, and only because you are afraid of the results, and not because you don’t think it necessary.
I think we stay because of history and guilt and delusions and hope. I think we stay because we don’t love ourselves enough to know when to fold. I think we stay because we’ve been conditioned to stay. Fight through. Stick it out.
For all the bullshit about cancel culture, I think that I’m of a generation (one of several) that stay and wait, and well, suffer. Or maybe it’s just me. I am definitely a particular way and I have several good friends who are the same.
I’ve written before about having difficulty saying goodbye or letting go, and that is part of it, but it’s more than that. So much more. I think that we are often fundamentally incapable of being kind to ourselves when it matters the most.
Let me go back to this thought I tossed around about a friendship of mine. Outside of basic, normal insecurities, I was genuinely having trouble sorting out why this person was choosing to remain in my life. Do you know what I’m about to say? Maybe it’s not so obvious. Well, I guess I am now wondering why I was/am spending so much time in someone else’s head and so little in my own…
x.
L.
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