Did you have a good laugh at my expense reading the last line of my prior post? It’s okay. I laughed a little while writing it. I mean, we know I spend a lot of time in my own head. Right? An extraordinary amount of time, really. So, it’s best that I clarify.
Yes, I overthink nearly everything. However, when it comes to my relationships, much of my thinking involves pondering why other people act the way that they do, or why they feel about me the way that they do, or why they say what they do. I extrapolate and guess and that’s a very dangerous game to play.
Have you ever been in a relationship where you think that the person is going to have to leave you because you know that you’ll never be strong enough to leave them? If you cringed reading that, it’s okay. I get it. Really. It’s pretty gross, but it’s also true where I’m concerned. When it comes to friendships and romantic relationships, I’m often the last woman standing. I have something to prove. I don’t want to be the one who failed or walked away or gave up. In the moment, I don’t give a lot of thought to how my psychological and emotional well-being is impacted as a result of this insane pact with myself. Nope. I fear having regrets and being perceived as shitty and flighty and so, I examine nothing, and I stay put. Resolutely.
While I sit in place and wait for something to change around me, I suffer. I do. My insecurities grow more profound, my patience is thinner by the day, I’m exhausted from the emotional toll, and I’m sick over burying anger and frustration. Zero self-care. In fact, this is the very definition of self-destruction. I have the power to stop what’s going on and I don’t. Why? Because I have something to prove. How utterly ridiculous.
So, I move forward. We move forward. Damn the torpedoes. Forgo our self-care. Just complete abandon in a way that betrays everything we are and all that we need. At the end of it, I find that it’s rare that we feel positive about the choice we’ve made. Not at all. I know, I made that confusing. A big pile of ‘I’ and ‘we,’ but it’s all the same, you know? Anyway…
There is not often a sense of ‘wow, I am so glad I waited that out, because the result was super positive and oh, I haven’t neglected myself at all.’ I think you’ve realized by now that neglect doesn’t always look like a slowdown. It doesn’t always look like fatigue, gaining weight, not attending to putting oneself together. It doesn’t look like overcompensating, overexercising, overeating, undereating, or bags under your eyes. Sometimes that type of neglect burrows just below the surface. Really sneaky like. Just right there. Always ready to jump out and tear shit apart, but generally speaking, creates an overall feeling of ick.
I fell that day, a bit long ago by now, because I was in a place of unknowing but very committed self-neglect. I had abandoned all sense of who I was and who I am and who I want to be. Everything that I was doing was with an end goal in mind, and that goal was to win back the affection of someone who took every single opportunity possible to destroy me.
I would love to tell you that I learned my lesson and I don’t do that anymore. It’s not who I am. I’m different. More grown, more mature, more self-loving. I mean, I am, but also, I still make dumb fucking mistakes. I still push myself too hard and trip and fall and stumble and wonder how I ended up with bloodied palms and knees. I still cling to this notion that the harder I work, the more things work. The more people work. The more opportunities I will have to manifest happy ever afters with everyone.
We know that’s nonsense by now. I know it is. That’s just not the way things work. That’s not the way the world spins. Things happen as they do. People act as they may. Life presents ups and downs and the best we can do, is ride the wave the best we can, keeping balance when we are able to, and getting back on our feet when knocked over.
We will fall regardless. Always. Life is a serious of obstacles that provoke falls. Big and little. There is no avoiding it. So, does it really make sense to bring it on ourselves in addition to what the universe has in store? Do you really want to make life harder for no reason other than you are holding onto this misguided notion that if you stop working so damn hard, things will fall apart?
Things. Will. Fall. Apart. Always.
Just when I think things are good, they bust open again. Sometimes it’s a small breach and other times, it’s a vast divide. Other times, I find myself on the wrong side of a canyon and I have zero idea how to traverse it. It looks uncrossable. But I find a way, every time. And that’s why I keep on going. I know on the other side is something better. Something calmer. Something that makes more sense. Self-care.
My point is that things are challenging enough, just because. They are. So why on earth make things more difficult from the get go?
Well, it’s our nature. It’s how it works. Like I said, it’s not that hard to find time to get a pedicure, or grab a fancy latte. We manage to squeeze into our schedules a trip to a boutique to grab a new top or the library to pick up a fun book. And yet, when it comes to taking time to think about things to consider the best path….
Forget it. We sink. We literally tie stones to our feet and resign ourselves to the slow and brutal descent. Why? Well, the alternative feels too painful. The proactive decision to save oneself feels fraught with mess. Too many difficult decisions. Too much angst.
Sigh. Really?
Yeah. Really.
More to come.
We will revisit next week. Try and do something self-caring this weekend. Like for real. Meditate for five minutes. Go to sleep early. Don’t answer THAT text.
Talk soon.
X
L.
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