I participated in an event yesterday that highlighted a woman who works in my professional arena (real estate finance). She is quite accomplished, and the focus of the discussion was mostly leadership. Ancillary thoughts or concerns that were raised by the interviewer were finding balance (work/life) and navigating the path to success.
Both the interviewee and the interviewer were articulate, intelligent, interesting, accomplished women. As I am a woman trying to succeed in the same field, and certainly in the world, and given the state of well, everything, I was excited to hear what they both had to say.
For the most part, the advice conveyed, and the overall tone of the conversation was succinct, pointed, and not all that surprising. I don’t mean that in a negative way, at all. I have found that there are times when the responses to questions about “getting ahead” tend overly verbose and confusing and certainly nearly impossible to execute. And, when I hear advice that’s been relayed before by folks who are successful, it doesn’t bore or upset me. Rather, it reaffirms the notion that there’s something to that particular bit of good sense.
So, overall, the discussion was enjoyable. Well, until it wasn’t.
It came time for the interviewer to turn to the questions that had been submitted by participants. She selected a few that were fairly benign, and then, landed on the question that turned things in a negative direction for me. I don’t want to caveat anything before I share the question, the response, and my feelings (for once). Here goes…
The interviewer advised that a participant had submitted a question regarding the challenges in advancing and earning recognition as a woman in the industry.
The interviewee responded that she was so busy, with her head down, doing work, that she didn’t really notice any differences experienced as a woman. She paused and then supplemented her response to advise that she had heard that others had perhaps had a different experience, but she was just working too hard to notice anything at all.
I felt my blood pressure rising as I sat and listened to her. I observed her magnanimous smile and sparkling eyes and shiny hair. I thought about how I liked her bright pink jumpsuit and white linen blazer, a stark but refreshing contrast to the normally conservative wardrobe choices for these occasions. I had respected her gentle self-deprecation and humor. But that last bit? No fucking way. I was pissed. Super duper pissed.
Okay, now it’s time for a brief caveat, if that’s even what you would call it.
I suppose there are women out there who work in my industry who work at companies or for individuals that do not put them in the uncomfortable position of realizing the blazing inequities that exist. Perhaps they are paid market, commensurate with their male counterparts and perhaps their structure is such that their work ethic and opinions and actions are judged and juried the same as their male colleagues. Although I don’t know of such things, I can imagine that it might exist.
But, how could she not realize that making such a statement would be destructive and harmful to women in the field? The implication being that if you work hard enough, you won’t be subject to or aware of sexism and/or inequity that exists in the workplace in real estate finance. Fuck YOU. No way. I work my ass off and I still see it every day. In fact, I have to work ten times harder than my male colleagues for the same, or less, recognition. I have to prove myself in a completely different fashion. I am paid less. I am criticized more.
Bad day and throwing a grumpy vibe? Bitch with sharp elbows. If you’re a dude- feel free to have a shit day and take it out on every single human around you.
Need to take your child to the doctor? Bad prioritizing, and make sure you log on later to play catch-up. A dude who leaves early to attend his son’s baseball game? Awesome, here’s hoping he kicks the other team’s ass.
I have never seen hard work exempt a woman from any experience like the ones I’m describing. The only thing I know for certain is that there is a greater level of resentment to overcome because imagine working ten times harder and still getting shit when you are having an off day.
It got worse though. Definitely, worse.
She went on to say that as a manager, she works to be proactive and combat any such vibes or feelings in the office by making sure that all her people are happy. Okay, cool. But then, she clarified. She made it clear that she was referring to her male and female subordinates. She was AFRAID to say that she protects or looks out for the women on her team. She was AFRAID to say that she works to combat sexism that might be lobbed against her female employees. She opted for the safe path of “there are good people on all sides.”
Don’t get me wrong, as it’s pretty clear that we should all be treated equally, men and women and non-gendered alike, but I don’t see a lot of men getting the short end of the stick because of their sex in the workplace, no matter the sex of their manager. Someone might get shit on for other reasons, but that’s not what I’m talking about, so let’s stay focused, okay?
So, I’m feeling kind of itchy about the whole discussion unfurling in front of me and then, it hits me. She’s either for real and doesn’t feel any of this (God bless her), she’s totally full of shit and doesn’t want to be a part of the discussion, or, she’s scared. She’s scared to come out and say things as they really are, in front of all of us. She is a leader who believes her position is protected so long as she doesn’t call attention to her sex. She deeply desires to fly under the radar.
I get it. I do, but also, no. We need solidarity right now. If you don’t experience it or haven’t been in that position, that’s amazing. I believe it’s still your responsibility to have a clue. To be sensitive. To be compassionate. To be aware. To do something. To be a fucking leader.
Be a leader. For women. For humans. And yes, I know it’s hard as hell. Harder than anything.
Here’s the thing though- if you aren’t part of the solution, you’re part of the problem and then, the only place you’re leading us is backwards, fast.
x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 