I’ve been thinking a lot lately about communication. Okay, I’ve been thinking about it since birth, really. But I’ve been giving it more specific, granular brain focus lately. I’ve come to this, perhaps, very obvious revelation that no matter how solid our communication techniques, we are starting out behind the eight ball if we don’t have counterparts who are equally committed to good communication.
In fact, any attempts to pull good interaction out of someone who doesn’t have the skills or the desire, often results in feelings of failure and frustration. Imploring someone who doesn’t excel at communication to “just share” how they are feeling is the equivalent of telling them to stand on their head and spin around while juggling. It makes no sense, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes those folks believe that they are stellar communicators, and you are the problem (and/or everyone else). Other times, those folks recognize that they are stilted or deficient in their communication technique, but don’t have the desire to change, for a variety of reasons (i.e. fear).
When I’ve reached a dead end whilst communicating with someone who I thought was meaningful to me, or maybe more appropriately, I share a meaningful relationship with, I tend to melt down. I forget all of the ways in which I’ve grown myself and I resort to solicitous behavior that doesn’t serve me, or the relationship. I beg and plead and apologize for no reason, at all.
Today, I had coffee with a dear friend of mine who I haven’t seen in ages. Thankfully, he is one of those lovely humans where we can pick up where we left off last go around. No hang-ups or drama. He shared some stories with me and in turn, I opined that I believe in this life, we have to communicate our needs and in turn, ask our friends and significant others to share their needs. However, I admitted that sometimes, that communication (or perhaps it’s the lack thereof) can result in or cause an end.
He shared that like me, this is something that he has trouble accepting. Furthermore, he explained that his brain works logically, so there is something frustrating about a departure if there are words left unspoken or areas of confusion or ambiguity. I’m the same, so I get it. I want things to be clean and nice and clear and understandable. There is a part of me that fundamentally understands that not every relationship is meant to be something that lasts through the ages, but I loathe the idea that I can’t control this paradigm.
I know, that sounds insane, but as you know, I’m brutally honest, so it is what it is.
I’ve had a variety of relationships end or at least give the appearance of ending in the last several months. There are different reasons why they imploded, but a common element in each is a lack of true and productive communication. I can ask someone all I want what may be wrong or how I can work on the relationship, but if that person is unwilling to share or participate in finding a resolution or a common ground of sorts, none of that matters.
I shared with my coffee date that he should revisit the situation he is struggling with to see where things went off the rails. Ideally, he’d be able to complete this task with the other person. Now, you might find me mad for making such a suggestion. Reach out? Connect for the sake of seeing what happened? Yeah, why not? Even if a relationship is meant to end, is there anything wrong with sharing how things got fucked up in the first place and maybe finding an end that’s entirely more respectful and peaceable? I think sometimes we can recognize that we can’t fulfill another person’s very specific needs but acknowledging that fact goes a long way.
When we simply decide to ignore someone’s needs or shoot them down, this can sometimes have the effect of minimizing their needs and wants. When we recognize that our inability to satisfy that person is a reality but there is a still an understanding of and respect for what they are looking for, it’s easier to come away with a sense of calm and also, a roadmap for the future.
I think that when we just call it a day and don’t actually look back or debrief in a way that’s productive, we are destined to attract the same relationships that don’t serve us and furthermore, make the same mistakes in that relationship.
I like to call this exercise the relationship debrief. Not everyone is equipped to go through this particular process, but if you are able to, I guarantee that you’ll come out stronger on the other end. As I shared earlier, there are times when we are able to go through this run-down with the other person and times when we have no choice but to delve in on our own. Both methods are effective in trying to learn and grow and even, to “do better.”
How do we do it?
Well, if we have the ability to go through this process with another human, we might acknowledge the reality of the ending, but share the desire to have things at status quo. We might share that there is something necessary about understanding the needs and desires of another person, even if we are not fully equipped to be their perfect friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/lover. These conversations are not always pretty, and people can get defensive, but in the end, there is valuable information to glean during the process.
When the other person refuses to engage, or things got so ugly that there is no real opportunity to even explore this as a possibility, there is always the art of solo reflection. The real trick is trying to keep the subjective judgment and defensive posturing out of the process. Instead, one must step outside themselves and ask, where did I fail? Where did I succeed? How can I do things differently? How can I do things better?
This is also not an exercise in self-flagellation, or at least it’s not supposed to be. This isn’t a time where you beat yourself up and look for every excuse to call yourself a loser and/or a failure. Being human is an endless attempt. Truly. We need to cut ourselves slack and understand that so long as we are committed to constantly evolve and soul search, and communicate and connect, we will continue to improve at this thing we call humanity.
Good news is despite evidence to the contrary as of late, most of us are in this thing together.
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