BULLIES.

I really want to revisit the subject of bullies today. I had all these ideas in my head about what I was going to write about and then I spent a few days being bullied. Here and there and everywhere. The bullying was sometimes overt and sometimes it was so under the surface, so subliminal, so psychological, that it was hard for me to identify until I felt the pain and embarrassment and anger associated with responding to a bully.

At first, I thought I was going to talk about why people are bullies. Well, there are eight million different reasons. We can talk about them, but let’s first talk about some recent incidents of bullying that I’ve witnessed or been subjected to.

A good friend of mine was recently lied to by a colleague of hers. The colleague clearly lied because she was trying to sabotage my friend. I speak this very objectively as I love my friend, but her professional life has nothing to do with me. The lie was so ridiculous that there was no other explanation. This woman, the bully, was trying to provoke a reaction (which she did) that would ultimately set into motion a chain of events that would likely benefit her in the end. The situation was already high octane, so there wasn’t much room for my friend to verify the information that was given to her before feeling compelled to respond.

However, she did have time after the fact to do a little diligence to understand that the information she was provided was indeed not factual. Here’s the thing, it was a bold-faced lie. It was a lie that was intended to hurt and harm and destroy. It was a falsehood that was intended to create a wedge between other people so that this woman could somehow emerge as the heroine, ever stronger.

Her plan almost worked. It did. For like a millisecond, that plan was in effect like what. And then? Dunzo. Her plan was foiled. I’m not sure what she is going to do to try and save face. If I had to guess, I would say that she will somehow spin things (or attempt to), blaming my friend for misunderstanding what she was actually trying to convey.

This is manipulation and also, bullying. There was unquestionably intent to harm. The thing is that at the time, it wasn’t evident. In fact, it seemed as though this woman was being helpful. It felt like she was providing information that would help my friend to protect herself. Gross, right? And chances are that eight times out of ten, someone like that will win. They will get what they want, and most people are none the wiser. This isn’t because their victims aren’t intelligent or aware, but more so, because people innately trust when they believe they have a certain relationship with another human. My friend wasn’t besties with this woman, but they’ve worked together for some time, and she has presented herself as an ally, and so, there was no reason for her to believe that she was going to be harmed.

There are also the more evident bullies. The folks who talk louder and bigger. The folks who speak over other people and use harsh language and look for weak spots that they can go after, hard. There are folks who tend to pick on others because it feeds something inside of them. I deal with this at work almost daily. There are personalities that must be right about everything at all times. They will barely let you get a word in edgewise and it seems to anger them when you disagree with anything they have to say.

My coping strategy is often to avoid folks like that, but it’s not always possible to just exit from a conversation. It’s often more complicated than that. Sometimes you need to respond in the moment and what does that really look like? Well, this seems like a good time to discuss why people bully.

Insecurity, anger, they were bullied themselves, frustration, bad day, triggers, and the list goes on. The unfortunate part is that often, the only way to truly deal with a bully is to understand their motivation and intention and tackle it head on.

Great. We know that’s not often possible. I mean, it sounds great, but we can’t really be in someone’s head and even if we think we know them, chances are that there is something we don’t really know. Chances are that there is something else inside of them that we’ve never seen.

Okay, but sometimes we do know. Sometimes we can tell that someone is overly ambitious to the point of potentially hurting others. Sometimes we know that someone is hideously insecure, and they cover for such by picking on others. Sometimes we know that someone is angry (for whatever their reasons) and they are looking to expel rage and they pick their victims circumstantially.

If someone is angry, while it may not be received well, sometimes we can just identify their anger to them and ask that the conversation is tabled for when they are calm. Perhaps don’t use such condescending language, but still, you get the gist, I hope?

If someone is insecure, despite their vile behavior, sometimes it makes sense to offer some modicum of comfort. Making them feel a bit better about a situation might discourage them from using other, more destructive methods to feel more self-assured.
If someone has been a victim of bullying, it is likely deeply ingrained in them, but there are times when calling their attention to it can make them aware that they are perpetuating the harmful behavior that likely hurt them deeply. A heaping dose of reality, if you will.

If you don’t know, the best thing you can do is try and disengage. You can try any of the above approaches and when it doubt, just let go. Self-protection is a beautiful thing and we don’t employ it enough. You don’t need to win. You don’t need to prove anything. You don’t need to prevail. You don’t need to be someone’s victim. Engage as much as is necessary (for work or whatnot) and then outside of that, take a step back. Don’t get caught in their web. Breathe. Regroup. Step away.

I’m telling you that in the end, you will never beat the bully. They have to want to change. You can only cope and strategize and look out for yourself, so they don’t take you down. I promise you this, based on many years of being bullied (to this day).

Give it a whirl.
X
L.