Zero-Sum Eff That.

Hi. Sorry I’ve been a bit MIA. I’m working on a book. I know. A book. And I’ve been distracted. Plus, I was out of the country. And work has been bonkers. All the things, right? Like. All. The. Things. Who cares, right? Anyway, I’m back. And I’m back with a doozy.

Have you ever heard of zero-sum fallacy? You probably have. I think I have at some point, but I couldn’t recall that exact moment or more importantly, what was explained to me in that moment. Did someone explain the concept or what it really meant? Did I ever meaningfully connect the fallacy with the whole ‘your loss, my gain’ bullshit? Likely not.

I just sort of alluded to it, if you are one of those humans (much like myself) who didn’t remember the specific nuances of this psychological concept. Basically speaking, this fallacy involves a thought process that there is a finite amount of energy or shit in any situation, so one person’s loss must always be another’s gain, and vice versa.

The issue with this, as you might imagine, is that whenever an issue arises in any given situation or a relationship, and one party appears to have gotten something they want, the other party will immediately believe they have lost or will lose.

I know I’m speaking in vast generalities and that can be challenging when we want to wrap our arms around any given concept. Let’s get granular, shall we? I’m going to jump right in with an uncomfortable scenario that I know nothing about, other than having spoken with dear friends. So, obviously, I’m an authority.  

Kidding.

Two humans get divorced. These humans have children. The humans negotiate a schedule for their children, such that part of the time they are with one human and the rest of the time, they are with the other. Each human has their very own sense of what they want this custody arrangement to look like. They come to an agreement. It works just fine. It’s not perfect, but it’s workable. Then, human A gets a new job and requests that human B adjust this arrangement. Human B automatically feels a sense of loss and defeat. Human A is getting a great new job and a custody arrangement that works to their favor. Human B is stuck working around that situation.

What Human B fails to see in this situation are the possibilities. What new or different time might present in the way of opportunity (A pottery class! Girl’s night out!). How being amenable to these changes might be leverage (said in the least sinister way possible) to use down the road.

I’m not sure where this comes from, other than a distinct feeling that only one person wins in every situation. Someone broke up with you? They win, you lose. You are fired? The Man has won, you have lost. A friend vanishes on you? They are the victor, you are the loser.

What if we tried to shift our thinking in this regard. I am not suggesting that is an easy task. At all. In fact, I think I am the leader of the zero-sum fallacy club. I spent a long time thinking any one of my exes had won. They had destroyed me, moved on to get married and start families, been successful professionally, etc. etc. I spent so much time feeling like I had a deficit to right-side myself from, that I never considered the possibilities, the opportunities, the freedom.

I never considered that although I lacked strength to walk away myself, most of the time, the ending was a blessing. Even if they went on to live their best lives, I would have been miserable within that paradigm with them, because I loathed them, and they treated me like yesterday’s trash. Not even yesterday’s muffins and scones, because those can be even better the next day. IYKYK. Nope, I was the trash that was half picked up and then half scattered all over the damn road, everywhere.

At work, when I have been underappreciated or overlooked, it never occurred to me that maybe these experiences would grow me as a human in a way that nothing else would. I would work and push harder, in all aspects of my life. And when I achieved success, in any respect, it would be sweeter. More rewarding. More gratifying. I would not have the same exposure as others, the same risk.

Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of circumstances where loss occurs and is felt, profoundly so. The point is that dwelling on that aspect of a thing doesn’t do anything for anyone. And sure, there is not always a shiny, silver lining. Some situations are tragic and shitty, but at the very least, they will change you. They will change you in a way where other situations might not, and that in itself, is really something.

I’ve spent a lot of time on the other side of this and so, I feel like I am uniquely qualified to encourage you to find your way to a different place mentally. I’ve seen so much of what I’ve been through as straight up heartache and misery and loss and embarrassment. Years after these situations, I may have been self-reflective in a way that was helpful but honestly, it took too long. It did, and I’m not ashamed to say that. I spent too much time feeling like I was always the one being defeated.

Outside of truly never having a fucking clue what others are going through, or thinking, there is some basic aspect to this that must be considered. Sometimes we cannot move through something or move around it or get the fuck away from it. Sometimes, when we are indeed stuck, the universe will give us a poke. Sometimes that poke is less gentle and more a bitch slap across the back of our heads. Sometimes it feels like the absolute worst thing you could ever imagine in your wildest fantasies.

You don’t have to jump up and down with joy when presented with these challenges. You don’t. I’m not pretending that something shitty happens and I’m like, yay, that feels awesome, give me all the lessons. It’s not that. I just give myself a pause before despondency and judgment now. I try and reserve my right to declare someone else the winner and myself the loser.

I think there can be a finite amount of energy in every given situation, but I think it’s hard to know how much that capacity really is, and sometimes, we just need to trust. And yes, that trusting can be the hardest thing we do and still, worth it.

Give it a shot.

X

L.