#themiddle

I know I am one of those insufferable Peloton cult members and that I force you to participate in my madness from time to time. I won’t apologize for it. The classes keep me moving and sane in the most user-friendly way possible. And yes, the instructors are lovely and adorable and all the things.

I have been struggling with sorting out which part of my IWD rant to move onto next. And then, I was taking a Jess King ride this morning (welcome back!) and she said something that immediately provided inspiration. I am sure I’ve heard a similar sentiment shared before, but there’s just something about Jess and her authentic energy where it resonated differently.

She shared that if you can’t get to body positivity, then get to body neutrality. Then, I was sitting with Sus and I shared Jess’ words of wisdom and she shared that she liked the idea, but believed people would struggle with the idea. She explained that most people, women in particular, seek a step by step in these such instances. An inspirational concept or meme is delightful, but unless there’s a road map that gets you there, it’s just words.

I don’t disagree, and still, I liked the idea. Like the idea.

I’m going to share another story and it’s going to feel like we are veering off a cliff, but I promise I’ll get it together.

A friend of mine confided in me the details of a heartbreak that she recently suffered. She is currently in the throes of all the emotions that accompany such loss. She then explained all the ideas she had to convey her suffering to the man who broke her heart. I listened with compassion and love and then shared some brutal, unsolicited advice. In my humble opinion, people, men in particular, often seek a response, in a way that is unhealthy and unfair. The response feeds something in them. Something dysfunctional and egotistical. Sometimes, no matter how we hurt, the best response is no response at all. I shared important knowledge that had been shared a long time ago and I still subscribe to, as follows: the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.

Do you see the connection?

We are programmed to only accept swings from one side of the fence to the other. There is love and there is hate. We feel uncomfortable in the middle. There are so many instances and examples of this discomfort. I could share a few, but I feel confident that you already understand this polarizing nature of humans. Not only do we resist the middle, but what’s worse is that we ostracize and criticize anyone who finds safety in the in between. To be clear, I am not referring to the complacency of center or a refusal to make a decision. I’m talking about the kind of middle that is truly neutral.

The middle, or neutral, is not a failure. This space is not falling short. Rather, this is a place where we are okay.

I know the two examples feel very far apart, but they aren’t and they have one crushing fact in common. Women, in particular, are strongly encouraged to push for extremes.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with striving, with aspiring to do better, always. There is nobility in growth, but perfection? Unachievable. And sometimes the expectations that exist are without question absurd. They are an exercise in falling short, endlessly.

Where relationships are concerned, when they end, they should change us into different people. Immediately. We should learn something and be inspired and also, forgive. Instantly. We should make peace and move on. There should be no overthinking or wondering or sadness. No anger. But, if you are going to be angry, make it epic. Something meaningful and impactful.

When it comes to self-image, it’s loving all your parts or go fuck yourself.

A friend of mine was incredibly focused on her body and overall aesthetic. I did not describe all the ways in which she is magnificent or try to convince her that she is wrong. Rather, I suggested that she might consider making her body and face less important. I asked if she might find something else about her and the way in which she moves about in the world inspiring or impressive.

I’m not sure there’s a step by step for such an exercise, because everyone is actually different. The process that I might use to get myself to the middle will not lead another to success. It’s so personal. However, I do think there are some general notions that you can hold close to you.

The first step in making something less important, whether it’s a significant other or a body part, is doing the work to gain perspective. To measure a thing against other things. You don’t say something means nothing when it means something, but you think about all the other somethings. You think about how the thing you are trying to neutralize does not have to stand in the way of all other things.

You know why? And please don’t loathe me for sharing this, but I truly believe it with my whole heart- the real thing that’s going to capsize you in life is all the negativity. I know you may feel like it’s inspiring or a foundation to keep you strong, but it’s not. You have the unilateral right to authentically feel however you do, but promise you, it will only punish you.

I know this all sounds very defeating and confusing.

There is no roadmap. A lot of work must be done and the path is murky. The end is not the high of extremes, but rather, something sort of peace. We aren’t used to that though, as most of us are encouraged to chase the high. I mean, if that’s not what #goals has done for us, I don’t know what has, really.

Straighter hair. Longer eyelashes. A more intimate relationship. Stronger friendships. Better comebacks. More promotions. Intense. Giant. Loud. Bigger.

But what if we set our sights on something a little smaller? What if the word smaller in this context did not diminish us, but rather, gave us a place to breathe?

Today, think about what you might like a little better than all the things you hate. Think about what you could do with that time you would normally spend on a scathing retort. Think about what it might feel like to just be okay.

You don’t need to be #goals today or #winning. Just be okay.

I give you permission.

So there.  

X

L.