A friend and I were both watching the same television show. I’m not going to share the name of the show, because then I fear you will hyper focus on the subject or something along those lines, and that’s not really the point of this. Anyway, a few days ago, I mentioned that another episode had aired, and he told me that he wasn’t sure he was going to continue plugging in. When I asked why, he told me that it “hit a big close to home,” meaning that he felt like the show was beginning to remind him of his life and his struggles.
I had so many questions in that moment, but I thought it respectful to take a beat. Give him space to explore how he was feeling and what was pushing him to retreat when faced with content that felt very real life for him. I suppose that my most pertinent question would be as follows: why would seeing your life play out on the big screen feel challenging for you?
Okay, maybe that question feels almost absurdly intuitive and silly to ask, but still, I think it’s worth asking and I’ll tell you why. The follow-on question would be: Is it the way in which the show is portraying your life, with the chosen tone and tenor? Or is it the reality of your life itself that you are facing?
Do those questions make sense or am I getting a bit too esoteric? I am a single, childless woman in my forties. Let’s just say for the sake of explanation that there was a show that was made that featured a childless woman in her forties. Yes, I’m aware we could go the SATC route, but just clear your head of such notions for a moment. Let’s go more regular kind of gal spotlight. What if the show painted her as wanting, rather than content? What if she was messy and searching rather than resolved? What if she was more like a caricature than a real, living, breathing, feeling person who had life experiences and made choices? I would probably be uncomfortable watching the show. Or more accurately, I would probably be a little (or a lot) pissed off.
However, if there was a show that spotlighted a woman who was forty, flirty and thriving (aka happy), I would likely not have the same issues. Sure, there might be factual points that I would debate, but those would be the more fantastical dramatizations that frankly, just make for good television. Generally speaking, I’m not unhappy with the broader descriptors of me or my life, so the concept would not be bothersome for me.
Anyway, all of this got me thinking. Mostly about inertia. Mostly about how we equate inertia with laziness, but often, particularly where matters of the mind and heart are concerned, it’s anything but. And this topic feels, well, topical, given that it’s Mental Health Awareness Month.
I can’t speak for others, but I sure as shit can speak for myself. There are so many times in my life when the idea of a show based off my life would have sent me into a tailspin. I would have been embarrassed or annoyed or frustrated or sad or all of the above. And yet, I felt powerless to change, and so, I didn’t spend a lot of time being introspective. Beyond that, I didn’t invite observations from the people who were arguably closest to me. I suppose I knew that a look “within” would have me questioning so many choices that I had made in my life, and worse, an invitation for loved ones to share their observations would have cultivated humiliation, an endless desire to explain myself, and an unmatched need to hide. I’d beg that you notice that nowhere did I share that these actions would lead to change, or thoughts about change.
And why?
I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready until I was, and even when I was, I wasn’t, but something had to give. I had reached that point. Or, sometimes, others forced my hand, and my choice was taken away from me.
What does all of this mean and how do these random thoughts connect?
Well, I think we spend a lot of time acting in a way that we perceive protects our peace when really, we are just slowly eroding it over time. The more significantly we lean into denial, the more apt we are to embrace excuses and lower standards and subpar all the things.
When I was with my last ex, I was unhappy. A lot. Probably most of the time if I’m being honest. And from time to time, we would (or I would) watch something or I would read something where the main character or at least one of the prominent characters, was deeply unhappy in a relationship. I would likely stop watching or reading, but more than that, I would disassociate. I would spend a lot of time trying to convince myself that I was nothing like the character on the screen or in a more delusional fashion, that no one is, and this was just a created fantasy for the purpose of readership or viewership.
And if I stopped reading or watching, I would actively try and purge the memory of the character or plot line from my brain. Or else, I would allocate an almost insane amount of energy in “I’m fine” mode. And the more time I spent in this mode, the more natural it felt. The more time I spent convincing myself of an alternate reality, the more challenging it was to remember what was real and what that felt like.
I acknowledge from my very personal experiences that it can be traumatizing jumping into realness. The realness of choices and feelings and thoughts. I also think that to live in denial and avoid anything that encourages self-reflection is ultimately, more damaging, more disturbing.
I think the takeaway is that you don’t have to watch that show but let yourself explore what rankled you. And you don’t have to take that journey alone and maybe you shouldn’t. There are professionals, like social workers and therapists (or support groups), friends, family and a whole slew of other options.
In the spirit of the month, let’s nurture our mental health. If you are struggling, then maybe today is the day that you take one little baby step towards digging into that struggle. Avoidance never helped nobody, and I can promise you that behind that show, are fifty others. Behind that book are one-hundred others. Behind that thing that reminds you it’s time to change that you aggressively push away, are all the other things that will serve as the same, painful, but important reminder.
Just remember, you don’t have to do it alone.
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