I thought a lot today about staying in the moment and what that means. I am such an emotional being. I spend a lot of time in my head and a lot of time in my emotions. Hard. Unapologetically so. I’m careful with whom I confide in, but also, I’m not shy about sharing how I am feeling. I don’t mean that I tell everyone my deepest darkest feelings or secrets. Not at all. I mean that if we have a relationship of any kind and I feel as if something has gone down and a wrong must to be righted or a discussion should be had, I’m likely going to push for it.
But have you ever had one of those moments where you are so fixated on what you want to say and what needs to be “dealt with,” that you seem to ruin the experience you could have had? Well, are you really ruining the experience?
I think that this is an incredibly nuanced and complicated topic. It’s hard to reconcile what is meant to be and what we make happen and what that all looks like swirled in the pot we call everyday life.
I’ve spoken on here before about the notion of wishing I had taken a beat before responding to something. If only I had given things a bit more time to season. If only I had allowed for some clarity. If only I had formulated my thoughts into something more concise, more pointedly responsive. If only I had chilled the fuck out before reacting. Of course, there is the counter to all of that drama. There is the wait that is just too long. You’ve let too much time pass, and in so many ways, it feels like the time in which it would have been appropriate to engage is over and done, and now, you have to say something and make shit awkward or bad when it’s just good again (even if artificially so) or you have to swallow it and move on with your life, hoping you can vanish the anxiety that has plagued you thus far.
However, sometimes you have reacted or decided not to react and either way, there are still the words left unsaid. Unspoken. You feel unresolved. There is something else that needs to be hashed out or run through. You want to correct or explain. You want to make things understandable. You want to win. Whatever that looks like- there is a part of your guts that is aching, waiting for an ‘in.’ Except, that the opportunity arises when you would least want it to.
You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Date night. A wedding. A quiet night at home. A girls’ night out. A mother-daughter day of fun. Whatever it looks like, there is some expectation that an experience or time you are going to share is going to be fun. Lovely. The furthest thing from emotionally charged that is possible. And now, you are stuck with a predicament. Do you raise your voice and say the thing that you need to; perhaps reopen a wound that is healing or has already closed, or do you let things lie. Not forever, but maybe, for just this moment?
Let’s talk about why you might wait. Well, you want to experience that thing, whatever it is. You want joy. You want a positive memory. You may crave that good feeling because you just need something good at that time. You might need it because you are afraid that you are moving away from that relationship, and you feel like you need just one more squish. One more piece of your heart and brain that is occupied by something that you’ve shared together. You may think it better in the long run because you don’t think that your message is going to be properly received. The person on the other end of the interaction has entered into the situation thinking that you are going to share something lovely, and when you bring up that little bit of darkness, they are more resentful, more resistant than they might otherwise be.
Of course, maybe this approach gives you the element of surprise. Maybe, you have the ability to reach that person when their guard is down a bit, and perhaps they are more amenable to listening because they just want to move beyond the yuck to get to the better.
I know that I’ve experienced MANY people saying to me: “let’s not ruin this, right?” My first thought, before I get to eventual anger or sadness or regret or frustration is oh fuck, yeah. Let’s not. I don’t want to be responsible for ruining anything.
So, if we decide to bite our tongue for a moment, for an event, for a day, does that mean that we don’t ever get the chance to speak our mind at some point? No. Absolutely not. As humans, we unequivocally have the right to voice our feelings and thoughts whenever we want (generally speaking). That doesn’t mean that someone is going to listen, but there are no barriers. The only real sticking point would be if you are never able to reach that person again. And still, you can write a letter. An email. A text message. Again, they may not ever get around to reading it, but that doesn’t mean you can’t share. And sometimes, we have to derive satisfaction from the share and not the response.
Does that mean we are betraying ourselves and our precious feelings if we set aside the way that we are feeling to live in a moment? No. It doesn’t. You get to give yourself the gift of that time and understand that while there may be some ancillary benefit for the person on the other end of it all, you are reaping the benefit first and foremost. You get to select when you share your mind and heart with another person.
Does that mean that the steam might ease up a little and the impetus to speak our mind might dissipate? Yes. That is a risk that you run in these scenarios. However, I think a little perspective goes a long way when that situation comes up. Rather than looking at a good time and saying “see, everything is amazing,” maybe you can look and say, “I’m so glad we were able to share that, but I’m still salty about _, and it still needs discussion.” I know this is a foreign concept these days, but we get to be bold and nuanced and complicated when it comes to the way in which we engage in the world. It does not have to be black and white, ever.
I don’t know the answer here, and truthfully, I don’t think there is one right answer. I’m just saying that maybe this is something we can think about. Maybe we can allow ourselves moments of peace and happiness in between the heavy shit.
The world is just SO damn heavy right now. Who doesn’t need a time out?
x
L.
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