Hi there. I was speaking with someone near and dear to me the other morning. I felt tense because I had a lot on my mind. I am not great when I am tense. I am crabby and when I try and tamp down the crabbiness, I think maybe I’m just cold or aloof. I don’t know, but that’s how it feels anyway. I am sharing this point so you can understand my mood, to allow the most appropriate context for YOU.
I want to start off by saying that I can be a raging gossip. I actually just sent a girlfriend a funny (subjectively speaking) meme where you see a human sprinting across a yard and the text reads: “Actual footage of me running to call my bestie so we can investigate why the girl we barely know on Instagram deleted the last few pictures of her husband” (credit: @thesupermomlife). My girlfriend wrote back “literally us, ha” and we both had a chuckle.
I love the brutal humanity of gossip. I love the speculation, the silliness, the lack of self-awareness, or alternatively, hyper self-awareness.
I’ve had many people in my life at one time or another claim that they want to rid themselves of the pox that is gossip. They feel like it is beneath them, and they just no longer want to participate. I get it. I do. Truly. And still, agree to disagree. I also think that 9/10 will go back to engaging in some form of gossip. Maybe it was just that they needed a detox or perhaps it was the kind of gossip that felt displeasing.
I want to stay on that thought for a moment because that’s what kicked off this whole post. It is not hypocritical or bullshit to decide that you like gossip but that there is ultimately a line. Take me for example. I like gossiping. I like shooting the shit and having a gander at what the fuck is actually going on with her or wondering why he decided to do that. I do. But there is a place in which gossip feels less salacious and more malicious.
I know, you might be thinking that it’s a delicate line and there’s likely a heaping scoop of hypocrisy in there and you know what? You are right. It’s hard and incredibly personal. This is why I will typically tell folks to just find their own way. Or why I will express to someone that I’m struggling with the kind of gossip they are sharing with me.
I feel like a not so nice person doing that. That’s the truth. It feels absurd to express that you are down to chitty chat away about anything but that one thing- oops, too far. It feels like the kind of haughty self-righteousness that I try to stay far away from.
You know what the real truth is? I think sometimes the type of gossip that I have an aversion to triggers me because it taps into insecurities that I have myself. I imagine someone saying these things about me or I call to mind the feelings I have about myself, and that exercise feels so overwhelming that I need to put a stop to it. Also, sometimes the gossip just feels petty and mean.
Let’s get literal so you can understand what I’m actually talking about, shall we?
This friend was out getting a treat with their family. There was someone who was also at this particular treat shop and this person was purportedly heavy. This friend insisted on, well, fat shaming this person. I don’t even remember the details because I think I was too busy feeling cringey. I was too busy feeling uncomfortable. There’s almost nothing that makes me feel worse than fat shaming. It feels so gross to me. So lacking in compassion. Everything about it makes my skin crawl.
Just so you don’t give me my Mother Theresa medal anytime soon, this is the same person with whom I shared gossip or thoughts with a few weeks prior who shut me down. I’m even going to tell you what I was commenting on, like a big ol bitch. There was a kid who was singing off key at a concert. Wildly off key. It was cute, adorable really, but also WOW. And yes, I said something. And me saying something was deeply offensive. I got the ‘you aren’t a mom so shut it down’ look and so, I didn’t even need something to be said. I got it. Message received, loud and clear. And I’m going to be even more candid and tell you that if I got a do-over, I’m not sure I’d refrain. Maybe I would, but maybe I wouldn’t. I wasn’t saying anything bad about the kid. I wasn’t sharing an expectation that all kids should be musical aficionados. I wasn’t declaring the concert shit because the kid was off key. I was just observing a very cute thing that tends to happen when you throw together a large group of children and ask them to harmonize.
In many ways, I applaud the child who did not give a fuck. They were singing their heart out and kudos. And maybe I am a piece of shit for even pointing this out, but it didn’t feel mean spirited. I don’t think the child should have been excluded. But could I be nicer and keep those thoughts to myself? Yes. 100%. Would I? Not sure.
And perhaps I am splitting hairs here, but fat shaming DOES feel mean spirited. It feels cruel in a way that for me, is indefensible. What’s worse is that I know and like at least three people that do it with some regularity, and every single time, I try and say something and every single time, it makes my belly hurt.
Maybe this is my bullshit. Maybe what I’m saying here in sharing that some things feel okay to gossip about and some things do not is a story build on a foundation of sand. That said, I’m sticking by it. I think there’s a line there.
I think you can find the line by exploring the motivation. Are you getting a little chuckle, or do you ultimately want to shut down whatever it is that you are witnessing [and talking about]? I mean, I’m sure the child would be equally hurt if they heard my observations on their performance. Right? A comment about someone’s weight can be just as damaging as commentary on their “talents.”
Perhaps it is all about picking your battles and the spots in which you are going to be a little shitty. I love children and I honestly love the unabashed confidence of some children in different situations. The last thing I’d ever want to do is make them feel poorly about themselves or what they are trying to accomplish. So, maybe I can do better there, and I’ll examine that. But for now, I’m comfortable finding lines for myself. I’m comfortable exploring the type of gossip that gives me a chuckle or feels a little titillating and the kind that makes me want to cry.
BTW- pretend like you don’t gossip at all. Maybe you don’t, but you’d be the first person I’ve ever met. Ever. On Earth. Before you ask, speculation is gossip. Commentary is gossip. All of it.
Xo
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 