I felt cranky when I was trying to go to bed last night and fireworks were erupting all over my neighborhood. I know what you’re thinking- Unpatriotic! Grump! No and yes. I did feel grumpy. I DO feel grumpy. Side note: I fucking love fireworks. I prefer them when I’m in a celebratory spirit, but I LOVE them.
My little black clouds rolled in last week when I was considering the supreme vileness of our highest court. I couldn’t help but cringe when contemplating the corruption, the politicization that has tainted the court’s purity, and the manipulation of information that supports the justice’s hateful narrative and decision-making. I can’t help but feel anxious about the fate of members of the LGBTQ+ and BIPOC communities and also, women, and then, everyone else that doesn’t fit into the box they seem to be molding out of white, Christian, male clay.
And then, I had some unpleasant interactions with “friends.” Yup, friends. I’m not going to get into the whole story, because that’s not really the focus of today. Not by a long shot. Needless to say, I think I’ve often been the dumping ground for people’s shit because I’m an easy target. Sure, I’m super sensitive and sometimes, I can be tough. But mostly, I tend to be endlessly forgiving and understanding. I’ve talked about this before.
The truth is, I have a love/hate relationship with this quality that I possess as a human. On one hand I’m pleased to know that people consider me to be a safe space for the most part. They know that they can show me their true selves at any point in time. I may be a little ruffled for one reason or another, but generally speaking, I won’t judge them, and I will always, and I mean ALWAYS forgive them. It’s just how I was made. It’s what I’m made up of. It’s intrinsically who I am. I love this. I do.
And also, I loathe this quality, because sometimes it means that I’m a doormat. Sometimes it means that I get the shit that other people don’t get. Sometimes people who I love tend to spend a lot of time pissing all over my parade and then I get to bear witness as they twinkle toe around others. Others who I thought, or think were more inconsequential. But maybe, they aren’t. Let me say that a bit plainer: maybe I’m not as important as I thought.
This takes me full circle back to the point I really want to make here. Are you ready?
I realize that I keep looking at people and expecting them to be different. HOPING they will be different. PRAYING they will be different. This is the same fool’s errand that I’ve embarked on over and over again in my life. Over and over and over again. We all know the answer, don’t we? I have to change. I have to expect differently, want different, because people generally don’t change.
Sure, they shift and move and grow and learn, but change? Not really. Not in a major way. Or some do, but not those who are super entrenched in their own bullshit.
So, how do we sort out who is capable of change and who isn’t? Well, we can’t. Not really. But also, we sort of can. There are some signs. Little ones and they aren’t absolute, but they can be helpful. Like if someone consistently does the same shit over and over again and talks about doing the same shit over and over again, they are likely not going to change. If someone never expresses remorse when you tell them you’ve been hurt by their behavior, they probably aren’t going to change. If someone expresses regret, but swiftly follows words of apology with excuses and nonsense, they probably aren’t going to change.
The unjust justices aren’t going to change (sorry, I know I should capitalize, but I cannot do it- I just can not), because they are resolute in these decisions they are making to decimate people’s lives and livelihoods and freedoms and futures. They are relentless and unapologetic and unwavering and inconsiderate. They are archaic and nonsensical and well, kind of gross. That’s not the most mature of descriptors but it’s the truth.
Thus, the best plan is to find a way forward AROUND the people who won’t change (notice I said won’t, because it’s not a matter of can’t). And that plan doesn’t mean decimating the people who do all the things. I mean, that sounds good, right? But it’s super unproductive and the funny thing is that if you are a decent person, you’ll just end up feeling like shit at the end of the day. Even though you know they aren’t good people, it will still make you feel like garbage to stoop.
And talking about it endlessly doesn’t make things feel better either. At first this sounds like a great plan. “Talk it out” you tell yourself. Get another point of view or an alternative opinion. Don’t get me wrong, as I’m not discouraging dialogue or disclosure or talking things through, out loud. I’m just saying that all of these discussions need a pencil down point. All of them need a point in which you decide that there is no more talking left to do, and the name of the game is response, and action.
Our justices (JUSTICES) are going to be unjust. They are going to set us back to a time when rights were only held by a select few. There is no question in my mind. And that’s fucking scary. What is scarier to me is the idea of hiding in a hole and waiting for it to pass. What’s terrifying is praying for something different. What feels better is acknowledging that this is the world we live in, the country we live in, and that there are ways to protect and defend and support.
I know I keep talking about this, but it’s just so damn important.
And the good news is that the same advice can be used with friends or acquaintances. Take some space. Take a breath. Decide not to fix things for once. Decide to change a relationship in a way that suits you. Understand that the world will not crumble if they (whoever they is for you) are not in your life. I promise you that. You will survive.
Just like we will survive the unjust justices.
It just takes time and perseverance and courage and conviction.
We got this.
X
L.
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