I ran into a colleague in the breakroom at work today. I’ve known this individual for a long time. I’m going to avoid descriptors because I want to maintain the confidentiality of this person. Anyway, I’m busy getting some hot water and this individual approaches me, advising that they’ve been looking for me. When I inquire as to the subject of their query, they asked me if I liked the Barbie movie.
Now, I will tell you that I am a bit more careful at work than I am elsewhere. I mean, not dishonest, but also, not as forthcoming as I’d be elsewhere. I mind my manners and words a bit more. I’ve learned to over the years, to avoid strife and judgment and even, punishment. It’s a different world here and I’m mindful of that fact, so I keep myself in check.
Of course, my operating baseline is still worlds away from someone else’s MO, but that’s neither here nor there. The real point is that in the last few years in particular, I’ve learned to pause before a response.
I did no such thing in that moment. I told this individual I loved it. You did? They asked, incredulously. I responded in the affirmative. They went on to name a variety of features of the film to, I dunno, dissect my praise a little. They pointed out some of the more cartoonish elements (car flipping) and still, I held firm. I explained that I enjoyed every bit of that film; the cinematography, the acting, the directing, and most of all, the messaging.
As soon as the word messaging came out of my mouth, the person’s face fell a bit. Yes, they explained, that was something that bothered me the most-the politics. Now, this is the moment where I paused. I did. I took a beat. Politics?! I wanted to rip every hair out of my head. What the fuck is political about that movie, I wanted to inquire, in the most shrill, penetrating voice I could muster.
I didn’t, however, and not for the reasons you might think. I wasn’t shying away from engaging with this person. Not even a little. I can just recognize a dead end when one sits before me. I don’t even need the bright yellow sign to alert me. Oh no, I can feel the barrier, the impossibility.
I simply smiled and explained that we can all have our own opinion about things, and that’s the beauty of the thing. We can each have completely different reactions to the same move, resulting in a like or not like, and that’s fine. We are each entitled to our views.
This explanation was meant to end the discussion in a peaceful manner, but sadly, that is not the response my words provoked. I could see a crinkle form between their eyebrows and the corners of their mouth turn down slightly. Yes, I suppose, they said, but I’m just not sure how you enjoyed it at all. I’m looking to go to the movies to escape. Plus, I feel badly for the young girls who were in the theatre to see something fun about Barbie and ended up disappointed.
I wanted to not respond at this point. I wanted to stand there like an empty, broken doll and just nod my head. I couldn’t. I am not capable of that level of disconnection. It’s not within me. It just isn’t.
Yeah, I dunno, I said. I guess the girls who were of an appropriate age to pick up on the underlying theme and story did, and the rest of the little ones were able to enjoy a movie with pretty men and women in pretty and fun outfits. I paused for a moment, contemplating my next thoughts, and then moved forward, with abandon. I guess I think that this is actually a really important movie for women and girls to see, so better to see it and absorb some of the important messaging, rather than not seeing it at all.
I think at this point, they realized the conversation was a fruitless endeavor and went their own way after a quick ‘see you later.’
I felt the physical impact the interaction had on my body. My heartbeat had sped up a little and my hands were closed into loose fists. There were piles of words stuck in the back of my throat and also, tears threatening to spill from the corners of my eyes.
I know, you think this description sounds over-the-top and dramatic. I get it. It’s true though. I think this is because I had such a visceral response to the movie. I think, because as I wrote last post, the movie made me cry. I think it’s because we rarely hear bold and difficult truths spoken about women in our everyday lives. Rather, there is a lot of caveating and disclaimers and also, (the most cringe-inducing), apologies.
That’s right. We can’t describe the plight of women in our “modern society” without somehow being apologetic when it comes to how it all looks or feels.
When was the last time you heard someone criticize a woman (for being too emotional, etc.) with a disclaimer attached to the beginning or end of their vile, sexist rant? Really. I’m asking. I’ve never heard someone bash women and then explain that really, it’s everyone. The intention is not to single out women but instead, point out a human flaw that is applicable across the board.
However, when we talk about the issues surrounding women- the pay equity issues or antiquated societal constructs or unreasonable expectations, we tend to explain that we are NOT criticizing men. Oh no, we explain, men are our allies. We aren’t trying to suggest that they are the problem. We are merely trying to point out that some women suffer as a result of some shit perpetuated by people who aren’t THEM- the men.
In truth, men aren’t the problem, or at least not the sole source of the problem. It’s men and women and everyone in between. It’s all of us. And Barbie provided an unapologetic, in-your-face (albeit in a bright pink with bows kinda way) view of the bullshit. Barbie showed all the ways in which we neglect and marginalize and abuse women. All the insane expectations and demands and also, judgment.
I don’t believe my colleague didn’t like the movie for the reasons they claimed. And yes, I’m fine with the notion that they didn’t enjoy a movie I enjoyed. However, I do think it made them uncomfortable. I think the movie made them squirm. I think when you live in a world that reinforces and supports your way of being and someone points out the flaws and faults, it feels pretty shitty.
I think we prefer escapism, and I get it. I do.
But what happens when there’s no where to escape to anymore? What then?
Isn’t facing reality just inevitable? And why not? Can we ever get to light unless we fight through the darkness first?
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