I was having dinner with a dear friend the other night. For purposes of protecting her privacy, I’m not going to describe her or offer details that might provide insight into who she might be. Let’s just say she’s what we would call middle-aged and there’s nothing incredibly unique about her that is necessary to mention for context. I mean, she’s unbelievably kind and loving and one of my people, which is special, but outside of that- she’s undeniably relatable in her normalcy.
She has been romantically involved with a man. Again, I don’t think that the details of their relationship or history are relevant, so I’m not going to offer them up here. What I will tell you is that he’s in the same age bracket and again, is a relatable dude from the standpoint of understanding these “characters.”
Something occurred between the two of them where she questioned whether he was genuinely interested in her in a substantive way or if his interest was primarily physical or more pointedly, sexual in nature. This wondering exercise alone is nothing to write home about. I think we all do something like this, on a variety of levels. We ponder the status of our relationship, whether it’s old or new. At a minimum, we tend to touch base with ourselves to understand how we are feeling at any point in time, and, we wonder how our partner is feeling, about anything and everything.
I will say that this exercise is not limited to heteronormative relationships. I believe that any relationship that involves two humans will run into this reality at some point. The hope is that both people are contemplating the relationship, but this doesn’t always occur at the same time and that mismatch can sometimes cause challenging friction points.
To be clear, wondering and pondering are not synonymous with unhappiness. Not by a long shot. There are mountains between those two concepts. I would actually argue that the sign of a healthy relationship is the thinking about that relationship. Not in a constant, stressful kind of way. But more, in a real, meaningful way.
This is all to explain that I don’t think it is disturbing that my friend was wondering about her relationship in that moment. I don’t think it’s over the top for her to be trying to understand how her partner is feeling at any given moment. While I think her preliminary conclusion might have been a bit dramatic, I have unquestionably been in the same boat. I’ve written the obit for a relationship, only to realize that there is a still a heartbeat there. Faint, but still, there.
Even though I seem to be going on and on here, the questioning itself is not what I am questioning. It’s her reaction. Her preemptive, proactive, reactive, nearly instantaneous, and also, continuing, response. As she described her thought process to me, I bore witness to her melting before my eyes. She was emotionally unraveling, and maybe not in the way that you’re picturing.
Again, I think it’s normal (though I loathe that word) to feel anxious and even sad over the realization that something might be awry in your relationship. To have a response that involves grief or fear or anger- even before confirming any suspicions, is not unusual.
What I’m talking about here is what was occurring to her self-esteem during this process. I was witnessing my friend question her worthiness as she contemplated the current and future state of her relationship. There was not some overt expression that I latched on to. Oh no. She didn’t ask me what she’s done wrong or how she could do things differently. It was worse that that. Worse? Yes, worse. The reason an actual discussion would be better is because she would have the opportunity to speak her fears and thoughts out loud and I would have the chance to respond. Hell, she might have even reconsidered or couched some of her thinking once the words were set free from her most inner spaces. Either way, I would be able to reassure her. Not by telling her that everything is fine in her relationship, but by telling her that there’s nothing wrong with her.
But that opportunity never arose because she didn’t actually speak those words, or any like them.
Instead, she looked fretful. Instead, she opened and closed her text messages three or four times. Instead, she said some other things and then instantly caveating her share with disclaimers.
I didn’t have much to respond to. There wasn’t much I could do. I mean, could I? Could I lean across the table and place my hand over hers and tell her that whatever she was thinking, I imagined it to be unkind to herself and categorically untrue? Could I tell her that I think she’s amazing and if for some reason he has decided otherwise, then he’s a bone head who is unworthy of HER time? Could I tell her that at the end of the day, it feels brutal, but it doesn’t really matter because she is a whole person without him?
Yes, I could, I could have. But, I didn’t. I tried to be a good listener and a better friend. In my head and heart, there was a thought and a feeling that saying all of those things would somehow make it all better. But would it? Really? Or would I just make her feel self-conscious? Or maybe she wouldn’t feel judged or attacked by me, but she wouldn’t feel much at all. Maybe whatever I said would go in one ear and out the other because she isn’t ready to hear anything like that.
So, I just listened.
And I didn’t judge her, not one iota. I did feel sad though, if I’mhonest. I felt really fucking bummed out. She is magical. Brilliant and gorgeous and accomplished and has all this other shit on her human being resume, and still, she felt incredibly diminished with just the thought of being rejected.
Rejection sucks and it is BRUTALLY painful. Like insanely so. But, isn’t it possible that we go through a rejection and feel disappointed and sad and even mad, but not question our own worth?
I’m really asking a question this time, because I’m not sure what the answer is, if I’m being totally candid. I’ve not been able to do it to date, and yet, I wanted my friend to. I wanted her to rise above the rejection (or in this case, the thought of such) and see it for what it is or could be, a blip. A fact, but not a condemnation.
We spend a lot of time talking about how we don’t need relationships and don’t need partners and don’t need to be made whole, but is that really true? I mean, I think it is. Really, I do. But, how do we get past the rejection point? Isn’t that the bump in the road that flips everyone’s car?
Rejected on a dating app? Fucked. Rejected after a date? Fucked. Rejected in a relationship? Fucked. Rejected by a relationship? Fucked.
How do we change that? Any ideas? I’m not just curious here- I’m invested in this journey. I’m pulling for us. Us, humans. Us, women. Us, everyone.
X
L.
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