Do Women Know What They’re Doing?

A friend sent me a video on Instagram this morning and asked if I knew of the article the video was connected to, entitled ‘Women Know Exactly What They’re Doing When They Use Weak Language’ (https://www.nytimes.com/2023/07/31/opinion/women-language-work.html). I had read the article, as a good friend and colleague sent it to me.

Here are a few things I’ll admit to you right off the bat, in no particular order:

1. The title instantly chapped my ass, before I read any of it. I know better than to judge an article by its title, and still, I hate it. Loathe. It makes my skin crawl.
2. I also felt pissy seeing that a man wrote this article. Dr. Grant is an organizational psychologist at Wharton. He’s an author and the host of a TED podcast. Also, I know many men who are feminists. And still, that point made me grumpy. Like what the fuck do you really know from a very personal standpoint?
3. Although I bowed at it’s black and white printed throne my entire young life, as I’ve aged, I’ve found the NY Times to be somewhat problematic. Of course, I will admit that this thought comes from my very personal views and also, the notion that news should endeavor to be objective. Yes, this is an opinion piece, not news or research. Yes, I’m open to reading about a different point of view, even when I don’t share it (and in particular, when it’s well written). And still, I was skeptical and not wholly convinced this piece wasn’t steeped in sexism and horseshit before I had a chance to absorb it.

I’ve been in this weird place lately. I’ve been riding the Barbie movie high while also feeling incredibly disenchanted with the state of the world and well, people. My feelings of disappointment come from two distinct places: my current interactions with friends, family, and colleagues and then, general observations of the humans around me. That is to say that I’ve had a few unpleasant and reality shaping interplays with those closest to me (emotionally or in proximity) and also, I’ve seen this simultaneously inspiring and gross reaction by our society to both the movie and then, more importantly, some really insane shit going on in our (the United States’) political spectrum.

I’m not going to get into my personal stuff right now, because that’s a discussion for another time. It WILL be a discussion for a later time. But the world stuff? Yeah. Pretty crazy, right? On one hand, there’s this swell of love and sisterhood and fuck the patriarchy. There are also all the misogynists (closeted and not) and sexists and fearful lunatics. And then, there’s the, come eat our Barbie themed ice cream and buy our Barbie butt cream and don’t forget our Barbie tank tops. Right? Cool, but also, kind of revolting. Sure, capitalize on all the things, but maybe you are missing the point too. Pretty obviously.

Let me get back to where I started, because I’m going a bit off course here. I mean, I’m not, but it reads like I am, so I’m going to pull it back. I don’t necessarily want to ruin the article for you, so I’m not going to spell out every single nuanced thought. In broad strokes, the article states that women have an easier time getting what they want when they use softer or “weaker” language and although that’s kind of shitty, it’s not going to change anytime soon, so [cue the clinking champagne flutes]- live your best weak life.

Fuck me. I mean really. FUCK ME.

Oh, sorry. I should add one more point. The author deliberately shares evidence that people don’t actually think that women are less than or incompetent when they use this language. At all. They still think that women are intelligent, capable beings. They just prefer them people pleasing and mildly subservient, and incredibly deferential.

You know what this made me think of? The worst kind of back handed compliments. The shitty, catty, repulsive approach to voiced admiration that the meanest of the mean girls use. “Oh, you look so cute in that- um- dress? I mean, I would look like a crumpled paper bag, but you can pull it off. It’s like shabby chic. Is that the phrase? Wait, is that the furniture or the style? Anyway, it’s like cute. Ish.”

My stomach churns just reading what I just wrote. Yup. I wrote it and it makes me sick. Mostly because it’s so difficult to sort out how to respond to it. Is it good? Bad? In the middle? Should I extract the good?

Women using weak language is the way to go, the article shares. I mean, it sucks and it’s unfair, but it’s not going to change, so may as well capitalize on it, right? The good news is that someone still thinks we women have brains, even when we add a hefty sprinkle of “I think, maybe” and “if that’s okay” and “sorry…” into every fucking thing we say. We can still be considered valuable members of our society, so long as we act the part, so long as we make others, men in particular (and certain women in positions of power) feel as if we recognize our overall place as number two.

I think I may have shared this in an earlier post, but someone once told me that I have a reputation for sharp elbows. True to my societally shaped self, I felt a little wounded when I heard this. When I say a little, I mean that the hurt lasted all of fifteen seconds before I was filled with rage and also, pride. Sharp elbows? “Do you mean that I care more about getting my job done than making friends?” I had asked, with something of an attitude (I mean, I DO have sharp elbows).

It doesn’t make sense for me to relay the rest of the conversation to you. I mean, maybe it does, but nobody has time for that, and my memory isn’t that unlike Dory. At the end of the day, I knew in that moment something I’ve known for a long time. I’m considered to be a bitch because I’m tough and driven and I don’t accept less than hard work and some level of care. I’m perceived as nasty because I have no patience for laziness and a lack of desire to learn.

This whole paradigm annoys me, but if you think for one fucking minute that means I’m going to be more reverent to achieve greater success, you are seven shades of crazy. Let me be clear, I have colleagues that have done just that- to varying levels of success. They have butt kissed and flirted and softened their way to higher positions or greater favor. Some have even remained stagnant (or been shit on, which is probably the worst) but they consider their win to be status quo. And still, I won’t do it. I won’t lean into this bullshit because some dude, psychology degree or not, tells me that it’s not going to change anytime soon.

Just to be crystal clear- this is NOT about women’s gooey, fabulous emotional cores. This language that the article references has nothing to do with the stuff that makes women magical. That notion is yet another giant pile of crap meant to fool us (the collective us) into thinking “weak” language is delicious and natural.

You know why this whole situation is not going to change? Because people resign themselves to this notion. Because the New York Fucking Times prints an article from a purportedly reputable human stating that it kind of sucks and he wishes it could change, but it won’t, so let’s do this.

No.

Please.

No.

I can’t be alone here, am I?

x

L.