I had a cocktail with a friend the other night. Not a new friend, but also, not an old friend. Something in the middle. We work together. While we were chatting, she told me that she was intimidated by me before she got to know me better. My first reaction was to giggle, and then, to ask why, and then, to feel a bit sad.
Don’t get me wrong- when it comes to work, I don’t necessarily care if people have a particular feeling when it comes to my personality. I’d like them to respect me and the work that I do. I do like the idea of having some separation when it comes to work folks and my personal life. But someone at work not having the warm and fuzzies when it comes to me…whatever. Right?
Okay. Maybe not whatever. Or whatever, when it comes to work but a bit of unease when it comes to what that means in a big picture way.
What do I mean?
Well, this little exchange made me think about the people who really know me in the world. I mean, REALLY know me. Not just a bullet point list of facts about my life, but a much deeper understanding of what makes me tick. What I like and don’t like. The dreams that I have for my life. The fears that I carry around. My sadness. My anxieties. My joy.
I am lucky in that I have a small group of people who I could argue know me in the way I’m talking about, in the way I’m describing. But, do they? Really? I’m not sure.
That takes me to my point. Do you think we can ever really know a person? We know them based on what they tell us about themselves, right? Also, when you know someone for a certain period of time, you begin to pick up on their “tells” or the ways in which they reveal themselves and their feelings in a non-verbal manner.
And still, people lie. People learn to control their responses and reactions and even, their “tells” when in certain company. Even when people don’t want to be dishonest, they often spend so much time avoiding the truth for their own reasons, that they neglect to recognize or acknowledge the impact on those around them.
I’m not trying to write an essay on why we are better off navigating through this challenging world alone. Not at all. While I treasure my alone time and it doesn’t give me any particular anxiety to fly solo, I’m also a firm believer that we need other people to not just survive but thrive. We need other people for support, as comparative guidance, and sometimes, to witness what we shouldn’t be doing.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think we need to be mindful of who we let in and how we let them in. I think we need to understand that people are complicated and multi-dimensional and even with those who are very ‘what you see is what you get,’ that is not really the case.
Outside of triggering a low-level depression, why am I sharing this with you?
Well, I think it’s because I’ve been pondering what all of this means for someone like me. Someone who enjoys her privacy. Someone who has been gravely hurt and so, measures who they let in and how. There is unbelievable vulnerability in allowing someone into our inner thoughts and feelings and even, our dreams. Some of us are built to better withstand that kind of openness and some, like me, are overwhelmed by the thought of it.
All I can think about is how others have used my open door as a passage to harm and gaslighting and manipulation. I weigh the value of the connection against the fear that I have and try and emerge with a reconciliation that makes sense in some corner of the universe.
None of this is easy. It really isn’t. I think we sometimes gravitate towards those who are open as a general rule, because that feels less complicated. However, I’ve found that those are the folks who are either carefully curating their public persona or connecting so indiscriminately that it becomes a get-in-line exercise to be their friend in any meaningful way.
Sometimes we move towards those who seem reluctant like we are, but hurt people hurt people and also, as we have a finite amount of energy to spend, if we blow our entire reserve trying to get inside of one heart, we might find ourselves without the appropriate energy to forge our own way in connecting with others. We have to mind our fuck budgets carefully, ya know?
With so many rules and considerations-how do we move forward? How do we decide who to open our heart to and what that looks like? As you might imagine, there is no easy answer. In a good many ways, the answer is more how to retract or take a beat when things get hairy than how to push for a deeper dive. In my experience, once I’ve started to peel back layers and reveal myself to another human, it’s not terribly challenging to deepen that relationship. Sure, there might be a few hiccups along the way, but generally speaking, it’s not so bad.
The real catch is seeing red flags for what they are, and not for what we want them to be. Resist the urge to categorize bullshit and games as fear and inexperience. Understand when someone is a little fucked up in a way that is deeply destructive versus when someone is a little fucked up in way that’s understandable. When you identify harm, don’t see it as a challenge to overcome, but rather, as an invitation to move the fuck on and cut your losses as best you can. I know better than anyone the feeling of failure when I haven’t gotten a relationship to gel or work. I know how I’ve beat myself up and wondered why I can’t just figure it the fuck out. I do.
But connecting with abandon to anyone for the sake of feeling like a “normal” friend or relationship partner is not the answer. At all. The answer is learning how to observe, and react. Why is that person showing you about them? Can you fuck with it? Does it make you anxious? Always ask yourself what do you have to prove. Always. I’ve found myself really examining relationships lately with that thought in mind. Can I walk away? Yes. Is it painful? Yes. Does that matter? Yes. Should that stop me? Never.
I don’t mind that people may have preconceived notions of me based on a limited interaction or other folks’ interaction. At all. I do want to do the work with those I think are worthy to let them see a different side of me. I want them to be able to reserve judgment and then, maybe have a different view once I let them in. And, I don’t need to let them get that close. I just need to crack the door enough that there’s a beginning. That is, after all, the best place to start.
x
L.
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