You know the seven words that strike the greatest fear and pain in my marshmallow heart (well nine, if we are getting technical)?
These:
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
I think we’ve discussed this topic before, but I am hoping to come at this whole deal from a slightly different perspective. Truthfully, I don’t know if I’m going to, but this is something that is at the forefront in my mind, and so, here we go…
Let me back up for a moment. I was originally going to write further about the state of the world right now. More precisely, I was going to talk about the terrifying increase in antisemitism we are seeing exploding all over the world. I was going to address how I am feeling that horrifying trend in the most local and personal way. I have been thinking about this issue nonstop, really, but there were two separate experiences that really hit home for me, as follows:
1. On October 30, 2023, residents of Montauk, New York woke up to swastikas and antisemitic slurs spray painted on town buildings and businesses. Montauk, New York isn’t just another town on Long Island where I’m concerned. I have spent many a day in my forty-three years on this planet on the streets and beaches of Montauk. I’ve eaten in their restaurants and shopped in their stores and run on their roads and boardwalks into their sunrises and sunsets.
2. On October 31, 2023, I was driving into New York City and passed a billboard over the Long Island Expressway that read as follows: Even Cultural Jews Got Sent to the Gas Chambers. Speak Up.
Both incidents shook me. I had chills. I was queasy. I felt terrified. I still do. Really. I’m not sure I’m even ready to share my full thoughts. But everyone else is sharing their thoughts and feelings in real time. Right fucking now. Everyone around me immediately responded, and continues to, with thoughts, big and small. Mostly big. And I get it. I do. In my estimation, there is absolutely no room for interpretation or other sides when it comes to acts of clear and deliberate hatred. There is no wiggle room when it comes to threatened or perpetrated violence. None. So, the idea of rapid condemnation isn’t necessarily one that I abhor, at all. And I want to be clear that my stance is not limited to the condemnation of antisemitism. I feel the same about anti-Palestinianism. Well, not exactly the same. I am a Jewish woman, after all, so I can’t know how a Palestinian person feels, but I can certainly express disapproval of any kind of baseless discrimination.
I think my conflicted feelings come from a place deeper within me. There is a piece of me that doesn’t understand how events and ideas and thoughts and feelings are processed that quickly. Felt and experienced? Sure. Sharable? Hmm. Maybe not. Why don’t we pause anymore? I don’t necessarily need to know why someone decided to deface public property with antisemitic slurs to be heartbroken, but maybe it’s important to understand who did it and why before I say we should throw them in jail. Sorry, but I’m a huge believer that for most situations like this, punishment without education is only adding fuel to the fire.
Anyway, there was something of a common thread in most of what I saw posted (for and against). That shared sentiment was (you probably guessed it): I don’t know what YOU are talking about. You being the proverbial and generic you. I don’t know how you could do what you did, I don’t know how you can say what you are saying, I don’t know how you can feel what you feel. I don’t know why the fuck YOU are quiet. I don’t know why the fuck YOU have a differing opinion. I don’t know what you are talking about.
Why does this irk me? Why am I so bothered? Well, mostly because most people who utter those words know EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT. You feel me? They aren’t saying it to explore what someone means. I mean sure, there’s a small chance that’s occurring, but by small, I mean infinitesimal. In fact, usually when someone really gives a shit, and doesn’t know, they might ask, rather than declare. Right? Like, hey, what do you mean by that?
I don’t know what you’re talking about is not an inquiry. It’s an accusation. What someone actually means is YOU don’t know what you’re talking about. Or perhaps, I know what you are talking about, and I don’t agree with you. Or maybe, I think you’re stupid. Or perhaps, I don’t want to continue having this conversation and this feels like the quickest way out of here.
I don’t know what you’re talking about, no matter the tone, is deliberate and aggressive. It’s a countermeasure or a preemptive attack.
I recently told a friend that she had hurt my feelings, to which she replied: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
I recently asked a friend if things between us were good, to which she replied: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
I recently told a friend that I felt like we were moving away from each other, to which he replied: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
She knew and she knew, and he knows. Period, end of story. These were attempts to make me feel foolish and stop me in my tracks. And the truth is that this approach usually works. I feel frustrated and embarrassed and confident that even if I try to explain what I mean, the inquirer will still politely (not so much) tell me that they don’t know what I’m talking about.
And don’t even try to tell someone that they DO know what you are talking about, or perhaps, that they are being rude. This will no doubt be a fruitless endeavor. They will dig their heels in. There will be a doubling down.
And why?
Because a statement like the one that rankles me, empowers others. That’s the cold, hard truth. People feel powerful when they tell you that they don’t know what you’re talking about. They feel mighty. They feel better than you. You have been reduced to a bumbling idiot making nonsensical statements.
It’s pretty annoying if you ask me.
So, how do we deal with it and why the fuck did I bring in the antisemitism bit at the beginning? I know, valid questions.
1- Try saying: ‘fine.’ Really. Or maybe, ‘okay’ or perhaps, ‘you do you.’ What does that do? Well, it takes the power back. If they are going to cling to a narrative where you are making no sense at all, then you get to tell them that you don’t give a fuck. Fine by me. Again, please don’t try to explain. I feel confident in telling you that they will likely heel dig and you will find yourself in a chilly and precarious situation.
2- It’s useful to respond in the same way to an accusation of you don’t know what you’re talking about when people get aggressive about their views. This is particularly meaningful when we agree with someone, but we may not be fully ready to do so. You don’t need to engage in verbale warfare. Let them take the “higher ground” and move on. If it’s possible, then extrapolate some of the more useful snippets of information and then, let the rest go. Feel free to educate yourself. Feel free to formulate your own opinion. Feel free to respond when you feel ready, in a way that feels comfortable for you, when you know what you’re talking about.
I would really love if we lived in world where we are kinder. I would really love it if we didn’t tell but asked. I would love if we employed patience and compassion and understanding.
Anyway, I can’t transform everyone, but let’s start with you. Stop telling people you don’t know what they’re talking about. If you actually give a shit, then ask. And if someone comes at you with that bullshit? Agree that it doesn’t matter (even if it does). Maybe just for today.
I hope you know what I’m talking about.
X
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 