#peaceandjoy

There are some people in my life who cancel on me repeatedly. There are some offenders that are so egregious that I’ve taken to making back up plans or at least telling other folks who inquire about the same date that it’s likely I will actually be free.

I want to tell you that this doesn’t bother me. The truth is that is does, but I tell myself that I’m not permitted to be bothered by it. At all. I cancel sometimes, don’t I? Do I really have the right to be irked when I have to move and shift things around?

Well, yes. Mostly because I don’t cancel carelessly. I don’t cancel because something better came along. I don’t cancel unless I feel like it would be detrimental to my mental well-being or an important relationship to not cancel. That doesn’t justify anything. At all. I’m not making excuses. In fact, there is no reason for me to explain.

I don’t think that making plans is a tit for tat scenario. I don’t think that there’s any reason to tally and render judgment. I mean, sure, I do think that it’s important to be cognizant of one’s own flaws and faults and the like. I think it’s important that we don’t hold people to a different standard than we hold ourselves to. Actually, I mostly think that we shouldn’t hold anyone to high standards period.

WHAT?

Yes, I’m aware that sounds insane. I’ve definitely perused this topic before, so if you’ve followed along for a while, this shouldn’t be so surprising.

My toxic trait was (and still is, but I’m working on it) expecting certain behavior from the people in my life, whether they be friends or co-workers. First of all, who am I to determine what appropriate behavior is? I’m the furthest thing from perfect and endlessly working on my own shit. Am I really the person who should be determining the “perfect” behavior? No.

To be fair, it’s not perfection I expect or strive for. Not even close. I suppose I just wanted to feel like I was being treated with a modicum of respect. Like I was being treated the way I strive to treat others. I wanted to feel like people cared about things the way that I do (I understand this is particularly absurd).

All of these problems are a me problem. I know that. I see that. My expectations are ONLY my problem. But I think the response or reaction is twofold. I think I need to work on adjusting my expectations so they are more realistic and allow for all different types, and I also think that I need to figure out how to better respond when someone violates or disregards the baseline that I’ve created.

What do I mean by that last part? Well, if I’ve adjusted my expectations (aka lowered them) and decided that there is some bottom line threshold- how do I react when someone stomps all over that line?

I could get pissed off or sad, but that doesn’t really serve me. At the end of the day, they likely won’t understand or won’t care and even if they do, it’s unlikely to shift things in a way that would make it better.

I could make grandiose statements or declarations, but I think we all know that those promises are ones that are seldom kept.

What I’m trying to do is hold the line in a way that feels authentic to me, which is still unbearably challenging.

I still feel upset and guilty. I still express myself and then second guess myself just moments later. I still go back and forth and question my feelings, my reaction, the consequences. But once I let all of those initial emotions flow through me, once I let the discomfort pass, I find myself feeling pretty calm about the whole thing. I do find a place of equanimity. It’s just sitting with the anxiety is pretty distressing.

So, I talk to my trusted people about how I’m feeling. I vent. I write it down. I breathe through it. I remind myself why I pushed back to begin with, like a mantra.

The truth is that while we have to have realistic standards for people and we have to give them room to be them and be messy (just like us), it’s critical to know where that begins and ends. There is no hard and fast rule, either. It is literally up to each person to determine what that looks like for them.

Are there situations that are non-negotiables for you? Are there other scenarios where you feel like you can give folks wiggle room because you get it?

I cannot tell you what that looks like for you. I barely have a handle on it myself. I am really trying though. And while I don’t really believe in resolutions, as you well know, I’m trying to make it a thing in 2024 also.

The truth is that while it’s terrifying to let go of people or for people to leave because you expect things from them, it’s not really satisfying in any way to permit them in your lives if the relationship isn’t serving you.

I mean it. Other than getting a check mark for hanging in there, you are likely not going to get anything out of the relationship. Sure, there could be moments where things feel better-ish and maybe you use that to color the rest of the not so good stuff, but that’s no way to live.

The highlight reel is not indicative of the big picture and those other moments are likely so soul-crushing that they overtake the good stuff. Really. Trust me on this one.

I know tis the season to be forgiving and mend fences and be jolly and all of that, and truly, I’m on board. But also, tis the season to nourish yourself. Tis the season to sort out your priorities and who you want to expend energy on.

Once you decide, you’ll work through some ugly feelings, but on the other side of it- peace.

Really.

Peace & joy.

X

L.