Dear John,
I’ve been giving a lot of thought to our relationship. Well, I’ve been giving a lot of consideration to my relationships in 2023. Anyway, I’ve been reflecting. Also, analyzing. And then, a wee bit of overthinking.
Okay, okay, you got me: there’s been a tremendous amount of thinking.
It’s not very helpful that we live in a technologically fueled environment that creates 10,000 memes for every contemplated scenario. Pondering the end to the year? They got you. Contemplating the year ahead? You good, girl. Want to laugh? Surely. Feel like crying? Delivered. Try and put something out of your head for a moment? Denied.
For every emotion you are rolling over the vast surface of your scarred heart, there is a photograph of a hamster rolling around in a washing machine. Or two people silhouetted, holding hands in front of a sunset. Two women. Two men. A man and a woman. A human and a large dog. Or maybe, a woman by herself. You get the drift. The internet will save you, every time.
Will it, though? Will it save you?
When I started to think about how to craft this communication, I started with the idea that my feelings are uniquely mine, but also, shared with many others. I can’t speak to how others might feel in any given situation, but the so-called inspiring Instagram posts tell me that we might just be on the same page. So, to be most effective, it likely makes sense for me to find that sweet spot between oversharing and explaining properly.
I learned a lot this past year. I learned more about myself and my resilience. I learned about my tolerance. I learned about my capacity for forgiveness and also, my unwillingness to give myself the same grace I give others. I learned what it means when someone has taken things a bit too far and I can’t “deal” anymore.
I learned that expectations are usually an exercise in futility, but standards are a non-negotiable. It’s important to know how to differentiate feelings of letdown related to misguided expectations from the disappointment of abandoning one’s standards.
I learned in a more personal way that hurt people hurt people, but that’s not an excuse, because change is always an option. Some form of change. We can’t control what has or will happen to us but we can learn reaction strategies. And I’ve learned that our ability to have compassion is not inextricably linked to our capacity to have enough and walk away. The truth is that people can surprise you in the best ways and also, the worst, but this is only if we carry with us the idea that we can know someone fully at all times in any circumstance.
I learned that one decision doesn’t necessarily tell the tale of someone’s character, but repeated decisions in the form of a pattern or habit, certainly do.
I learned that the human psyche has the ability to shut out information that it doesn’t want to process or that challenges other information, but when we find our courage or our desire to dig out, suddenly everything becomes clearer. Once we allow the fog to lift or the roadblocks to shift, there is a clarity that brings into focus the past and present and sometimes, parts of the future. Notably, the parts that we can impact with our behavior and actions today.
I learned that sometimes people are just mad or sad or happy or frustrated. Sometimes they need sleep or a hug or a snack or sometimes, they just need a minute (or several) to reset. Sometimes they need people and sometimes, they need to be alone. Profoundly.
I learned that the more we say we don’t care about something, the more likely it is that we really care about it. Because, when we really don’t care about something, we don’t really give It any thought and we don’t talk about it at all. The phrase thou doth protest too much came from somewhere.
I learned that we are not capable of everything, but we are capable of a lot of things and trying is not a guarantee, but there is no way you can get anywhere without trying. Not really. And yet, there are people who appear to not try and get everything, always. I learned that it doesn’t feel good to spend a lot of time worrying about those people. You won’t change anything by worrying, except your overall sense of anxiety and dis-ease. People who don’t deserve to succeed, will. People who deserve happiness will fall on hard times. Life does not always make sense, but that doesn’t mean it always won’t.
I learned that it’s simpler to blame one person for something, but usually it’s more than one who make for a situation and self-reflection is always necessary. Always. It’s easier to point fingers but when you’re the common denominator, it’s useful to explore why if you really want things to change. The world isn’t usually out to get you and the universe isn’t punishing you. People can be awful, but also, you need to listen and observe and *gasp* change.
I learned that it can be frustrating to lament the state of the world, but one person can make a difference. One person can start a movement. Plus, if everyone gave up before they started, we would never experience progress. Change might not be at the pace we’d like, but there is no question that it’s occurred. We can only know the pain of regression if we’ve experienced the joy of progression.
I learned that as humans we have an endless capacity for finding things to fill emotional voids. Substances, things, people, places. And still, none of these things actually fill the void. A void must be tended to with exploration and understanding and sometimes, a shift.
I learned that its easier to lack confidence in one’s aptitude but few will have confidence in you if you don’t, so it’s worth it to try and wade through imposter syndrome to find a real sense of one’s self and abilities. Not the stories that other people tell you, but your own truth, untouched by judgment or opinion.
I could have accepted that I don’t have a green thumb, but I didn’t. I just needed to find the right plant, and so, I persisted. And I did. Geraldine. And then, I found Beatrice. I haven’t accepted that they’ll live forever, but they are living right now and that feels like an accomplishment.
I could have been frustrated that my idea for a women’s seminar wasn’t exactly what I envisioned, but I chose to be proud. I chose to see it as a baby step. I choose excitement.
I can want to make the same salary as my male counterparts and hope for change, generally, and also, be grateful for my job and compensation. Gratitude and aspiration can exist in the same space.
I learned that not everything is possible, but many things are possible, and we can’t know what’s possible until we know ourselves and then, put in the effort.
I learned that we can’t move on until we let go, and we don’t need a replacement to make the decision. We just need to choose ourselves.
So yeah, I think it’s best that we say goodbye 2023, aka John.
Let’s spend a few days (four ish) sorting what we should take with us, and then, let’s part as friends.
No hard feelings, but also, all the feelings.
See ya.
Xo
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 