I think about Valentine’s Day, but maybe not in the way that you think I think about it. I am not despondent on this day of love. I do not lament my single status or bemoan my past relationships. I am not bitter, nor am I resentful of those who have love in all shapes and forms.
I don’t tend to be the kind of person who whines about the cost of dining out on this day of public affection, and I definitely don’t cringe when I see large, overpriced bouquets on desks and kitchen tables and breakfast bars.
The idea of Galentine’s Day doesn’t light me up, but also, it doesn’t offend me in the slightest. Celebrating female friendships? Sure. Yes. Let’s do it. My female friendships have, at times, been fraught, but I have some goodies too. Some good ones, that nourish me and lift me up. If not always, then certainly from time to time.
I guess what confuses me is how we are as humans, generally, and then what we celebrate. What we profess. What we align ourselves with on social media and in public forums. When we choose to throw confetti and when we choose to toss grenades.
Like many saints (with a capital S, I suppose), there are various and sundry martyrdom stories associated with Saint Valentines on or around the February 14th date. That truth feels a lot closer to the reality of the thing than most of the sparkle-adorned paper tributes I see floating around. A martyr is someone who is killed for their beliefs or ideologies, right? Well, that sounds familiar, no? Maybe not the self-destruction bit, but we certainly kill each other on a regular basis for not subscribing to the same line of thinking. Don’t we?
We are so fucking busy finding ways to kill each other, that a holiday chock full of mutual admiration feels false and at best, ironic.
Pro women’s rights? Go fuck yourself.
Want equity amongst all humans, irrespective of religion, skin color, gender, nationality, and sexuality? Fuck off.
Desire a world where we don’t resort to war and if we do, we spend more time mourning the victims than we do justifying the violence? Bark up another tree.
Does any of this sound familiar?
We’ve reduced ourselves, in every way. We are smaller and angrier and more judgmental. We separate ourselves from a thing so that it’s easier to be more resolute, less understanding, more self-righteous, less compassionate.
I guess what I’m saying is I don’t think it’s possible to exist in a space where you have a black, tarnished, ugly soul where most others are concerned, but bestow sunshine upon on a select few in certain situations. Sure, we have nuanced relationships. We have people that we like more or less. We have opinions and perspectives and ways that we move about in the world. But you can’t say that you wish death upon some children in certain situations and think that some how works. It doesn’t work.
Or at least I don’t understand how it works at all. It’s confusing to me.
Sure, we mature and change our views and grow ourselves as humans, but fundamentally, our goodness is just that.
I will share that it didn’t used to be confusing for me. Not because I was ever this way (the way I’m describing), but because I welcomed people into my life who behaved this way. I allowed people to treat me or others a certain way and I found excuses. I supplied rationalizations. I made things nicer because I couldn’t stomach what they looked like.
Sure, that human has strong opinions about ___, but they are passionate. They are strong. They were raised a certain way. They just haven’t had certain exposure. If only things were different, they would show a different side to themselves. No question. There’s a good person in there, but they are just a little teeny bit buried. That’s all. Right?
No.
You can embrace the day of love, but if generally speaking you treat your significant other or friends or colleagues or local barista like garbage, what’s the point?
I’m going to flip it, too. I’m going to take this from the other side. If you allow Valentine’s Day to be the exception to the rule, what does that say about things as they stand? Are you willing to accept one day, the outlier, as an indication of your baseline with another human (or humans)?
Maybe we shouldn’t start with celebrating Valentine’s Day. Maybe we need to start with something bigger. That’s right. Let’s think in a way that’s nothing short of grandiose. Let’s do this in a HUGE way. Let’s be kinder. Let’s be generous. Let’s be compassionate. Why don’t we try understanding? Why don’t we try asking questions? Why don’t we take a beat before we get angry or impatient or critical?
In the same way, while we adhere to all of these sentiments and consider these notions, maybe we should not leave so much space for those who violate our basic sensibilities or those who would rather see the earth around them scorched if everyone does not subscribe to one way of living (theirs)?
I’m fine with Cookie Day and Siblings Day and Valentine’s Day. I’m really okay with every single holiday we’ve created-historically and very recently. I think we should celebrate them in whatever way makes our heart happy. I just think that if we can’t seem to be decent to one another in the most basic way, what the fuck does it matter that we splurged on a heart shaped box of chocolates today? If we can’t treat each other with some measure of kindness, then how does dressing up in clothing adorned with hearts really resonate in a way that’s meaningful? Post all the lovey-dovey memes you want, but if you spout vitriol on random people’s posts in the comfort of your cozy bed- you might want to check yourself before you wreck yourself.
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