I made the horrendous mistake of getting back on a dating site for a half a minute. I know, I know: your sister/best friend/uncle/neighbor/co-worker met the love of their lives on a dating site. I don’t doubt it. In fact, I know people who have done just that. I’m not a doubter except that, well, I’m a doubter. Maybe it’s my proclivity for human interaction that doesn’t occur via technology, or the keen awareness I have (that I’ve shared before) that online dating endlessly feeds the monster that is the ‘grass is always greener’ approach to life.
I am well aware that it’s a numbers game and these things take time. I am certain of that fact that one has to kiss a lot of ENM frogs to find someone who is ACTUALLY single and ACTUALLY looking for A person and not several. I get it all. I do.
Alas, where I am famously patient in certain areas of my life, I am clearly impatient in others, online dating being an ‘other.’
I think I described this scene once before, but every time I am interacting with someone from a dating site and they call me by the wrong name, or ask me the same question again, I am reminded of that meme where some dude is sitting next to a hot woman at some sporting event, and the caption reads that they are on their first date, and all you see is her looking over his shoulder while he scrolls through the dating site they likely met on. ON THEIR DATE. This fictional (though entirely non-fictional, I’m sure) man is already reaching for a more attractive, smarter, sassier, more successful, etc., woman, while still on his date.
Gross.
Really.
And I’m not suggesting that someone must like everyone that they meet or give someone endless chances. In fact, I’ve seen that there are times when you know instantly. I still believe that those scenarios warrant at least bare minimum respect. Just wrap up the date and kindly tell someone that you won’t be seeing them again. That can’t be so hard, right?
Here’s an even crazier thought: maybe take a beat and allow yourself to process the human you went on a date with before you start scrolling through the pot of endless possibilities.
Yes, I’m generalizing. No, I’m not ashamed. Yes, I think this generalization fits, based on my personal experiences and what I’ve heard from friends (victims and perpetrators, alike).
A good friend of mine once told me a story where he was out on a flailing date, not enjoying himself, when he caught the eye of another woman at the bar/restaurant. He was stressed trying to sort out a way to get her number while on his date. I expressed that I thought this was disrespectful, and he responded by asking me if I really thought it was a good move to pass up any opportunity when it’s knocking. “What if I never saw her again?” he asked. “I dunno, then I guess it’s not meant to be,” I replied.
He responded to me by explaining that he didn’t necessarily believe in that whole ‘meant to be’ situation and felt confident that if you pass up opportunities, they could never come around again.
Right. I get it, but also, I feel certain that the fish he made googly eyes with at the bar wasn’t all that special, and he likely offended his date (and her only misgiving was not being the perfect person for him) and oh, also, he never saw the other woman/fish again, after a few text exchanges.
So yeah, you get it. I find online dating kind of deplorable. You are identifying a potential mate based off their physical appearance and a few contrived, curated thoughts they’ve shared online (and yes, a friend also made the argument that this is the in-person routine as well, and we’ve agreed to disagree). But it’s likely not just one, it’s several. Many. Most people enter into the conversations knowing that there might be a back-up. Or worse, they’ve had shitty interactions and so they lean heavily into one that seems even mildly decent, because they want to avoid a further grind. It’s all just such a recipe for a high cringe factor.
I lost my thread here. I mean, I did not, but I went hard into that tangent. Anyway, it all kind of stinks, but I bowed to the pressure of the whispers in the wind, and decided to give it a whirl, again.
I was on for one day and connected with a few fellas. One of them, after a few text exchanges, asked me if I’ve ever been married and if I have kids. I swiftly answered no to both questions. His response? “Oh, what have you been doing then?”
Um, what? What have I been doing? I took a breath before responding. I wanted to ask what in the actual fuck he was talking about. I wanted to tell him to fuck all the way off. Instead, I told him the truth: traveling, working, spending time with friends and family, going to the movies and the theater and the beach and concerts, hiking, writing, reading, and the list goes on. I’ve found no shortage of things to fill my life with besides finding “my other half” and squeezing out a few kids.
I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t incensed. It annoyed me. I could hear my good friend’s voice in my ear to calm down and to not condemn the man, immediately. The question was innocent, right? And the response? That too? I don’t know. Maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe innocent, but maybe also, ignorant. Maybe heavily laced with expectation and assumption and societal constructs. Maybe, good? Maybe better that he revealed himself in two questions and one response.
Maybe a sign that this shit is actually really awful, as I believed it to be. Yes, it is a numbers game. Yes, it takes patience. But also, maybe I can say it’s not for me. Maybe I’ve never felt like I’m good at gambling, and seeing the underbelly of it all, is actually detrimental to me moving around in the world with grace and a sense of optimism. Meaning, I don’t want to throw the dice because the possible reward feels too remote to be achievable, and what I will pick up along the way is far more destructive.
Do you need another blog post whining about online dating? Probably not. There are one million articles and social posts and etc. that address this very topic. I guess what I really want to say is the opposite of what everyone else says.
You can give up on online dating. You can decide that it’s not for you. You don’t have to play your hand carefully or have endless patience. You can hope in a different way. You can believe that if things are meant to be, they will sort themselves out and, in the meantime, you’ll go the human route. The I’ll risk disappointment in person route. You can tell people, when they ask, that no, you aren’t dating right now, because it’s just doesn’t allow you to vibrate on the wavelength you are manifesting.
I don’t pick my lunch off a conveyor belt or choose my work outfit at a department store every day. I don’t need to throw myself into a mess pile of humans and hope that I find a needle in a haystack. I’m not bitter and I’m not sad. I’m just busy doing other shit and I don’t need anyone messing with that, you know?
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