There is something particularly gutting about someone telling you that you aren’t communicating well. That seems an overly general statement, as I’m not sure that everyone feels that way.
I do.
If I’m being completely candid, there are times that my brain is moving faster than my mouth. It’s my heart, too. There are all these thoughts and all these feelings and when I try and articulate myself, something goes horribly awry. This is not for lack of trying. It’s just circumstantial. Or personality based. Or a combination of everything. So yes, sometimes I am not as clear as I would like to be.
That said, I think that communication criticism is often a tool for annihilation, rather than encouragement of growth. I’ve spoken about this before: the “I don’t know what you’re talking about” paradigm. This is more than that isolated moment. This is where someone makes it a point to tell you that they don’t “get” you in a much bigger way.
I want to clarify this point in a way that’s perfectly understandable (no pun intended) because it’s important. When someone kindly shares that they are not following you in an isolated moment, in an unkind matter, it’s a deflection technique, often. They don’t want to deal with that issue, that moment, and so, they shut shit down. I think sometimes the objective is to divert for a moment and other times, it’s to derail for good. It’s someone branding a topic off limits. Not interested. Sometimes you’ve reached a stalemate with that person generally and that is a way of them cold-shouldering.
When someone criticizes your ability to communicate in a much more overarching way, they either have a legitimate gripe and want to fix things, or they want to take you down a notch and that’s one of the easiest grenades to launch.
The thing is, much like the “I don’t know…” comment, without specific feedback, there is no so-called lightbulb moment. Sure, you can comb through the recesses of your brain trying to figure out where you went awry and occasionally, you’ll stumble upon something valuable, but it’s unlikely. Why? Well, unless you are some kind of mastermind, you likely wouldn’t be acting that certain way if you knew it wasn’t going to serve you, right?
Actually, I’m going to have to get a little bit more granular here. Sometimes the way in which we communicate is more indicative of the person we are communicating with than our overall preferred method of connecting with others. For example, if I’m scared of you or don’t particularly care for you, or if you hold my future in your hands, I might stay true to myself but also tailor the conversation to fit my intended outcome (with your personality and the stakes in mind). There are times when we think we are executing beautifully on such a strategy, and it turns out we are completely missing the mark. That is why it’s usually best to just stick with what you know (yourself). In those very particular instances, it’s useful to have your attention called to your behavior, even if it doesn’t feel great at the time. And, you won’t always need specificity from the party on the other side of the communication. I will go so far as to say that if they throw you a general “huh?!” then it’s best to revert to who you are and what you know (organically you).
What is my point?
Well, communication is important. Authenticity is more important. Or both are equally important, at the very least. It sounds so much easier said than done, but you need to know yourself. You do. You need to understand who you are and what your values are- what really matters to you. Because at the end of the day, there are people who are going to question that shit and you need to know what end of things you are going to end up on. You need to know what you are willing to compromise and where you need to dig in. And let me tell you, when you dig in, people will fortify their positions. They will get louder and stronger and more offensive. They will find every available vulnerability to stab and they will do so without regret and really, with complete abandon.
You might start to question yourself- and not in that good self-reflective way. Nope. In that way that slowly disintegrates you. In that way where you don’t know who you are anymore and you question everything, even the stuff you felt good about and never wanted to change.
People will take you to the lowest point that you’ve seen and you will be forced to rally. I am saying forced because I’m not giving you another option, much like I don’t give myself the option.
Things have felt pretty shit the last few days (ish). Might be a week or so. And I’m struggling with how to find my footing, but nonetheless, I have faith that I will, and that makes all the difference in the world. I may not have the same people in my corner when I emerge on the other side, but that happens. It’s pretty yucky and it does a number on the heart (and mind), but it happens. And again, it’s entirely survivable.
I’m not minimizing any of this. And the truth is that you may have had your own experience that looks similar but also, feels different. Maybe someone lied to you. Perhaps someone said that they don’t like how you act when you go out. It could literally be anything. Your experience is yours and yours alone.
You have to be willing to take the time to extract what’s real in that exchange and what is not. Does it feel like the person delivering this news to you actually cares about you in a meaningful way? Before you get crazy- this is a two-prong test. Outside of caring about you, do you think that they are willing to make themselves a little uncomfortable for your benefit or the greater good? If the answer is no to the first OR second part of that test, then I’d strongly recommend to move against satisfying some bullshit test they’ve lain at your feet.
You can still takeaway what you want to work on because it feeds you, and also, leave that person or the situation behind. And if you happen to be stuck for one reason or another, short or long-term, then you can sort that out too. In fact, more on that later.
Hang in there.
And don’t worry- you are doing just fine.
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