My father is reading “The Song of Achilles” by Madeline Miller and shared with me the following dialogue exchange from the novel:
“I will leave, if there will be trouble.”
“Do not let what you have gained this day be so easily lost.”
He asked me to contemplate these sentiments, to reflect. If I’m honest, my first thought was that I needed context. Then I kind of laughed at myself. Sure, context is great, but who the fuck needs context to form an opinion? I mean, sure, it’s nice to use context to form a well-based opinion, but God knows that I can make a snap judgment with the best of ‘em.
So, what did I think when I read this? I thought about every difficult relationship exchange I’ve ever had. I thought about every piss poor work experience. I thought about all the times that people have bailed because things are challenging or perhaps not going exactly in the direction that best suits them.
I’ve met more humans over the course of my lifetime that jump ship when situations get challenging than those who really stick it out. I think there are a wide variety of reasons for the running, but the result is the same. The bailing or escape can look a little different depending on the situation. Meaning, some people pack their bags and announce their departure and others decide to quiet quit. They stay but only in form, not in substance.
I want to be clear that this piece is not intended to encourage people to stay in situations that no longer serve them. To the contrary, I think it is critical that we all look at the relationships we have and situations we find ourselves in REGULARLY to determine whether they still nourish us and teach us and guide us, or whether they drain us.
I do think that it’s important to see if something is fixable or irreparably broken. I think that even when we determine a situation or a relationship to be a lost cause, it’s the examination that allows us to assign responsibility and be accountable. It is only in the staying for that beat that we grow, because that time gives us an understanding. And by time, I don’t mean a lengthy or prescribed period. Sometimes the time required is nothing more than one conversation. One argument. One cry fest. Sometimes the time required is exactly the amount of time that it takes to exchange a few text messages.
When we bail at the first sign of trouble, whether the bailing is in physical body or spirit, we don’t allow ourselves to understand the reason why, because ultimately, we are operating off instinct and not reason. We feel that something is challenging, and we decide that the best way to avoid difficulty is to step back or step away or step out.
To that end, whatever knowledge we have gained, however we have grown as humans, is usually lost in that decision to just fly. Why? If we’ve learned something, then why would we unlearn it? Well, it’s shockingly simple, and of course, is best explained through an analogy.
Whenever experienced folks talk about coming back to physical movement or exercise after an injury or trauma to the body, they often remark on the speed with which you lose aptitude or skill or strength and the absolutel slog involved in “getting it back.”
I believe that the same principal applies when it comes to intellectual or emotional growth. It takes us a long time to fundamentally understand who we are and what we need and how we can communicate that to colleagues/partners/friends/family. That’s most of us anyway. Even the most evolved humans I’ve met had a journey to get to a place of peace. Though, as we all know- the journey is never really over. It’s just a milestone. But when we act in a way that is contrary to what we’ve learned about ourselves, when we lean into fear and anxiety and run rather than taking a moment to understand, then we often forget all the things that bring us joy and peace and support.
I am not talking about physical harm. At all. If you are facing physical harm, then tap into that instinct and run like hell. I am also not suggesting that you sit and stew in emotional abuse. I am only sharing that when we are faced with situations that challenge us and our values and feelings, if does grow us to sit in that discomfort for a moment. In that moment, we often are able to bear witness to our resilience. In that moment, we are able to reaffirm the reasons why a situation or relationship is not meant for us, and in that moment, we can learn how we can perhaps avoid the same situation in the future.
We don’t often do that, though. Mostly because we don’t want discomfort. We don’t want trouble. We want things to be easier, more manageable. And I get it, I do. I can’t say that I have any great desire to deal with painful soul work on a regular basis, but I also know that the work is exactly what has gotten me here today. Even when I resent my resilience because things feel like an endless test, I am grateful for my strength. Even when I crave something easier, something softer, a break, I am sill appreciative that I have seen all the reasons why, all the evidence that substantiates how I got to that feeling or thought to begin with.
None of this is easy. Everything that is meaningful will present trouble at some point and that’s a truth that some are reluctant to face, and honestly, I get it. I do. We have this idealistic view of what makes for a successful or satisfying _______________. We think that the easier things are, the better a match they are for us. And don’t get me wrong, I love when I click with others. I love when I’m vibing. But I’m also not thrown when things get a little dicey.
I don’t run. Never have, and don’t plan to anytime soon.
I take a minute, I express myself, I listen, and, I appreciate my gains.
And then…
And then, I see.
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