My father (Doug) and I recently spent the day together. We do this every year for his birthday. It’s one of my favorite days of the year, hands down. It doesn’t really matter what we do, though it is usually some version of movie, meals, walk. Also, incredible conversation. Always.
Mostly, Doug starts each of our chats with the following phrase: “did you know…?” Sometimes I get a little salty in response to this question, because more often than not, my response is: “no.” In my head, the response is more like: “of course not, Doug, because that’s the most obscure topic in the world.” But I try not to say that, because if I’m patient and hang in there, I will undoubtedly learn something and it’s likely some good stuff. Really. Good. Stuff.
I could give you an understanding of the topics, but that would be a little silly, because it runs the gamut. Big time. We talk about recipes and geopolitical issues and outer space. We talk about pandas (a Doug fav) and street art and religion. Our 2024 excursion was no exception.
Doug shared a lot during our day together, and much of it resonated, but one tidbit in particular stood out. I don’t remember the exact context, but I remember that Doug told me that the most basic evidence of privilege is space.
Think about that for a moment. Really mull it over.
And yes, I know what you are thinking. Maybe. You might be thinking about some bougie folks that live in high rise buildings in NYC. Not exactly miles of space there, eh? But, think about some of the other aspects of their lives. Second homes, perhaps? Boats, maybe? Vacations? Definitely.
Not everyone. I’m not about to jump into the land of generalizations or stereotypes. The real finely tuned point is that having resources gives you options and options present an opportunity to acquire space. Or rent space. Or borrow space. Access. If you have resources, you have access, whether you avail yourself of it, or not.
I don’t want to spend an exorbitant amount of time on this (arguably, I already have), but it’s important because of the implications. I want to slightly shift the verbiage shared by Doug. Instead of saying that privilege can buy or afford you space, I want to say that privilege can allow you to make your heart’s desire happen. There is the limited power of manifesting and then, there is the somewhat unlimited power of resources.
Except that resources can buy opportunity, they can buy space, but they can’t buy feelings.
I know. Cringe. That’s some goofy ass shit. Right? Wrong. And for me, that’s the most critical part of all of this. Truly.
I have a job that gives me vacation time, so I can experience my special day with dad. I have a job that pays me a salary that enables me to take dad to a movie and a meal and get him a few treats.
But the joy that I experience during that time? That’s all me. Well, me, and dad. I could be out with dad for the day and focus on all the things that make me unhappy. I could be stressed out about my day out of the office and what that means (all those missed emails). I could think about how we picked what was clearly one of the hottest and most muggy days we’ve had so far. I could have focused on little things or big things that would have made me overthink or be gloomy. But I didn’t.
I allowed myself to be fully present in that moment and while I know having resources grants me such a gift, I also know that it’s a choice that I’m making. I know that I could have those resources and exercise them, and still, find the dark spaces, instead of the light.
This isn’t incredibly difficult for me, because by nature, I tend to operate in the silver linings. I am not an overly optimistic person, but I am cautiously hopeful. I want better. I want happier and I deeply desire that outcome. Dad is not someone I’d label as a pessimist, but he is absolutely a realist. Well, realism colored with a dose of doom. In that way, we tend to balance each other out when we are together. Dad tells me all the things that are going on in the world and explains how humans are destined to fuck it up, and I tell him that although I acknowledge that reality, I can’t help but think that goodness will prevail. I can’t help but want humans to prove me right in thinking that they have potential. And still, I take Doug seriously and I listen to what he has to say and I file those bits in places where I can reference them, as needed. Not so much that they capsize me, but enough so I see what’s really going on.
I choose to see the world as a special place that sometimes disappoints. Doug also sees the deliciousness that the world offers up to us, but balances that view with an understanding of the depravity of humans. The selfishness. The rudeness.
We argue sometimes. We disagree. But we always find a space that is somewhere in the middle. At the very least, we agree to disagree, and while some find that infuriating, I find it refreshing. Respect. Kindness. Understanding. An allowance. You do you and I’ll do me, and we’ll still find that place of overlap where we can exist.
All of this is a privilege. Our choices, our ability to find common ground, our maintenance of this beautiful relationship well into my adulthood- privilege. The best kind of privilege though. The very best. And like all privilege, what keeps it from expanding into something despicable, is awareness and appreciation.
Gratitude. I am just so thankful for these stolen moments with Doug. I’m grateful for the hot sun and crispy bacon and strong coffee and salty air and hearty laughs and silly movies and hugs. Good dad hugs.
I’m endlessly grateful that Doug gets another spin around the sun and thus, I get another chance to hold his hand as he spins.
We get to look for cool rocks and experiment with the wildest recipes, and compete for the most Peloton minutes, and share articles and pictures and memes.
Happiest of birthdays, Da. The privilege of being your daughter is one I will forever relish.
I love you more and bigger and most and best.
X
L.
P.S. Factors of 71 are 1 and 71. The prime factor of 71 is 71. The factor tree of 71 is 71. The cube of 71 is 357,911. The binary number of 71 is 1000111. The hexadecimal of 71 is 47.
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