I was talking to one of my closest friends a few weeks ago and I shared an experience that I recently had and my conclusion that I am not certain there are any normal single guys out there in my age bracket. Of course, I qualified this statement with the notion that I’m not exactly what you’d call normal, and still, I can’t seem to stumble upon the pseudo normalcy I have in mind (with the idea that we are all on a spectrum of sorts).
He laughed and told me that he found it amusing that we came to the same conclusion with very different approaches. When I asked him what he meant, he explained that while he had been putting in a significant amount of effort to find someone (i.e., two dating apps, multiple dates a week, etc.), and I only dabble in such endeavors or efforts, if at all (in fact my story was happenstance and not planned circumstance), and still: same exact mildly hopeless sentiment.
After he finished laughing, I shared a similar thought that I have in conversations prior, that maybe I’m just not meant to meet someone. And of course, I tacked on an “and that’s okay” to the end. Because I always do, and because- it’s true. It is. I mean that with every cell in my body.
“But,” I said, “it was just weird because I felt this thing and it made me hopeful. It made me remember.”
And that was it. That was the root of my endlessly cycling thoughts.
Before I make this make sense, I must share something else.
I was taking a walk and listening to a book just prior to this conversation I’m describing. Sadly, I don’t remember the book or I would give credit to the author. Needless to say, it was a mildly fluffy one, but a good break for the brain. Anyway, the main character finally kisses her crush and is astounded to discover that there is no chemistry. She describes the kiss as what she might imagine it would be like when Barbie dolls kiss. Just two plastic toys banging into each other, devoid of warmth and spice and flavor. This description resonated with me deeply. Not because I’ve had a tremendous number of blah kisses, but more so because I think most of what I’m seeking is less about the category of a thing and more the feeling.
Perhaps you are thinking that this is a ridiculous thought. Of course I’m searching for a feeling, isn’t everyone? No, I don’t think so. In fact, the more I engage with the aging, dating world, the surer I am of this fact. Most of the humans I know, and many of whom I like, are searching for a particular person who satisfies a specific idea that they have in mind. Security, stability, companionship, balance, physicality. Aren’t these feelings? Sort of, but also, not really.
I want to explain but I think that perhaps it’s better if I give you an example. Unfortunately, the most pertinent example that I can think of are the instances where my friends or people I know, have settled. The person they are with checks some proverbial box and for that reason, they overlook something else. And no, I don’t mean that they are willing to engage with someone who is less than perfect. Humans are entirely imperfect, so obviously, a partnership would be rife with bumps and lumps and failures and missteps.
What I mean is that they are willing to set aside a feeling, or the satiation of that feeling, to receive something that they believe is more important. To be fair, maybe it is more important to them. What I am beginning to realize is that it’s not, for me.
I have a dear friend who is in a relationship that does not make her happy. Her partner is belittling and selfish and she rarely feels like the best version of herself when she is around him. However, he represents financial security and stability for their children and this feels more important than her happiness. I don’t judge her at all. Never. I didn’t when she told me and I don’t now.
As I’ve shared many times over, it’s her life and she has to decide what that looks like, the good, the bad, and everything in between.
I suppose it’s just hard for me to imagine an existence where that is the choice that I make.
And before you think that I feel that way because I’ve never been given the option, please know that I have. I was given the option to settle down with a man who offered everything to me that I thought I wanted at the time: marriage, children, a house and all the trappings.
But he didn’t make me happy, and even when I’m a bit perplexed about things or disappointed or even a little mopey, I still thank my lucky stars I walked away from that relationship. I would have been deeply unhappy. My life with him would have been the real-time equivalency of two plastic dolls banging around together in the stratosphere.
I acknowledge that this piece feels like others I’ve written about the okay-ness of being single. That’s not what this is about, though.
It IS okay to be single, but that’s not my point. At all.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s okay to seek feelings and value them above all else. I’m not sure how many of me are out there, but if you are reading this- know that it’s okay.
You may be lonely sometimes and you will be hurt often, but when it hits, it’s fucking magic man. It is. All the feelings. All. Of. Them.
Funny. Mad. Sad. Excited. Turned on. Turned off. Curious. Terrified. Surprised.
You don’t have to settle for that thing if you aren’t feeling what you want to, what you need to. And when you capture that feeling, when you run head first into it, it may not always be what you expected. You may have it and you may discover that it’s not yours to keep. Use that. Harness it. Understand that it will make you keep wanting it. It will make you keep those high standards and big feelings. It will make you unwilling to give up or give in or throw in the towel. It will remind you if you let it. It will wake you up in the best way.
Back to my beginning quote- I met someone in recent days who reminded me what it felt like to be lit up. There wasn’t anything particularly remarkable about the interaction except that I had been feeling a bit detached and a little weary, and suddenly, I felt fed. It was the emotional snack I didn’t know I desperately needed.
I’m not sad it couldn’t be more. Not even a little. It was so lovely and I’m so grateful I had that sip of fresh air to remind me that the world is vast and normalcy is entirely relative and the feelings always matter.
Always.
X
L.
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