My Bad.

This opener is going to sound outrageously unoriginal, but bear with me. Please.

I heard a story recently about a woman who discovered infidelity in her marriage. I’m not going to share too much in the way of details. I’m just going to share that she decided (which is her own, very personal decision), not to confront her partner. Rather, she came to the conclusion that she had somehow caused this situation and therefore, needed to fix it. And when I say ‘somehow caused,’ I mean she blamed it on herself, nearly entirely.

If only she hadn’t…. (fill in the blanks), he would have remained faithful. This is not the time where you judge this person you don’t even know.  You don’t need to explore qualifiers in your brain or even (the horror) justify this behavior.

I am not saying there aren’t reasons why people cheat. There are, clearly. I’m just saying it’s not anyone’s place to explore the verity or invalidity of those excuses EXCEPT FOR the people in that relationship. I’m also not going to do some broad sweep condemnation, because God knows there are always the things I didn’t consider, and I am far from perfect, and life is too long for absolutes.

I will say this, and only this (and then I’ll say all the things related to this): it made me sad to hear that she immediately blamed herself and it made me think, a lot.

It made me think about when someone took three pieces of information and told me I was a bad friend, and I immediately leaned into that notion.

It made me think about every time I have been passed over or treated poorly at work, and reverted to a nasty case of imposter syndrome, rather than advocating for myself.

It made me think about being rejected physically and emotionally in relationships with men and wondering why I wasn’t fit enough or pretty enough or smart enough or interesting enough.

It made me think about missing goal times for races and telling myself I am not a real runner.

It made me think about every single writing piece rejection where I’ve wondered why I can’t pen something extraordinary enough to be picked up.

I have, nearly endlessly, found ways to blame myself for all the things.

I imagine that it’s clear from my previous posts that I’m a huge supporter of accountability. If we want to grow as humans, I think it’s imperative that we examine each and every situation that we find ourselves in and acknowledge where we went wrong or what we might do differently or how we can learn some valuable lesson.

Blame is not part of the process of self-reflection, or at least I don’t think it should be. I think we need to be honest about where we need to perhaps change a little, but not so much that we take responsibility for others’ behavior. Because we are categorically not responsible for other human’s behavior. Ever. That’s a fact.

For example: If you stopped taking care of yourself, that is not the reason for someone’s betrayal. Perhaps it has impacted your relationship in a variety of ways, but it does not excuse that choice.

Just as that person is responsible for their choice to stray, you are responsible for your choice to neglect your self-care. Choice. It’s a beautiful thing.

I’ve talked about this quite a bit and perhaps the topic feels old. I’m not sorry for that. I want it to feel redundant and overdone and all the things, until it’s not. Until we separate ourselves from other people’s choices (in particular, the bad ones), I’m just not going to stop.

Maybe I’m not going to stop until I move in another direction. I’m trying and I’ve taken baby steps but I’m not there. I’m far enough away that hearing that story really upset me.

Listen, if we decide to jump start a self-healing or self-improvement process because of something that we’ve been through, I take no issue with that- really and truly. I suppose I just have a problem when that decision comes solely from the notion that we caused the whole house of cards to tumble.

Maybe the worst part of all of it is that what I’ve usually found is that when we try like hell to change because of some consequence we’ve attached to our behavior, the result we want is very often not the result that we get. They don’t choose us, we aren’t promoted, and nothing feels easier.

Perhaps this is because of the lack of authenticity on some level. Perhaps deep down in our souls, where it really counts, we don’t really want to do that thing we are doing but we feel compelled because of what’s sitting in front of us and the idea that we can change it. Perhaps it’s because the idea that we are powerless to change it is so unnerving, so grotesque that we will try anything and everything.

Except that we do have to, at some point, acknowledge that we don’t have control over the universe and what it serves up to us.  We only have control over the way in which we respond.

Like me, maybe you struggle with the notion of finding that line, that midpoint between self-blame and accountability. I wish I had a cheat sheet for you, or a handy dandy FAQs. The truth is, it’s really fucking hard. Nearly impossible. But it’s not, impossible. It just takes work.

What if our response to things, instead of ‘I fucked up’ was: “I’m not responsible for what happened, but what could I have done differently there?” What if we explored how we wanted to pivot without weighing our soul down with guilt and rage?

I think you know that I am differentiating here. Cause and effect is a very real thing. I trip you, you fall. I am assuredly responsible for your fall. But, if I trip you, in particular if it’s accidental, I am not responsible for you rage punching a wall after you fall. Do you understand?

It’s nuanced, but really, what isn’t?

X

L.