I think I’ve spoken about this before, but I’ve typically been a person who keeps things close to the vest. I haven’t analyzed it much, but I think there’s part of me that acknowledges it’s at least a little bit about control.
Do you remember playing telephone as a kid? Did you? I did. The first person in the chain would whisper something into the person’s ear standing directly beside them. That person would then turn to the person next to them and do the same. The idea was not to ask for clarification or an explanation, but rather, just repeat what was heard. At the end of the chain of humans, was the person who was last to receive the message, or a message. That person was supposed to share with the entire group what they heard. Of course, this game was hilarious because that share out usually contained a message that was radically different from the primary message.
I think that everyone who participated in this game acknowledged that some participants deliberately manipulated the message, while others just misheard and therefore, misrepresented. Sometimes that mishearing was attributable to the low volume of the whisper share, and then, on other occasions, I believe the recipient of the whisper heard whatever their brain advised was being shared. A cognitive bias, if you will.
What does any of this matter, really?
Well, I think there’s a part of me that has always believed that if I share bits and pieces of me and my life, I will be participating in this epic game of telephone that humans partake in on a regular basis.
How will my story be bent and shaped as it passes between lips and through ear canals? Who will twist my story for their own gain? Who will misunderstand or mishear and move forward with faulty information? Who will hear what they need to, even if it’s not the truth of a thing? What will people think?
Then, one day, many years ago, I met someone who would force me to reconsider this paralysis by analysis forever. A woman who is the very definition of abundance in all the best ways. Go out to dinner and order both appetizers. Have a soda and a cocktail and definitely a glass of water and don’t forget the coffee. Get presents for everyone to celebrate everything, whether they deserve it or not. Because who doesn’t deserve it, really? Hugs for everyone. Rejections for no one.
And I know, you’ll read this and maybe you’ll pause. You’ll think this person undiscerning and thoughtless.
Untrue.
Beyond.
Perhaps you’ll also think that we have a perfect relationship (once I’m done explaining and defending). Also, categorically false.
But, I’ll get there…
I’ll start with this- she taught me that everyone has a fuck budget. I’ve spoken of this concept before and now you know the origin. Everyone has a limited amount of energy that they can spread around to all the things they give a fuck about. Give too much of a fuck for something and you’ll naturally have less energy for other things. It’s just the way that it works. And the lesson? Be mindful about how you share your energy. Be careful when it comes to who you love and how you love and how you navigate.
A valuable lesson, but one that is seemingly the quintessential example of ‘do as I say and not as I do.’ Why? Well, because this friend has endless energy. Her fuck budget is nearly limitless. I mean sure, she has her moments, and sometimes those moments result in a declaration that the budget will be tightened on a go forward, but that doesn’t really happen, ever. It’s just a pause and then, a redo. A restart. More and more and more.
And maybe, for a moment, I thought it was more for attention. Perhaps I thought the dispensing of love was less altruistic and more of a personal need. But it’s not, and the surest back-up I know is my personal experience that has taught me that people always take more than they give. So, whoever is receiving that energy, is most assuredly tucking it away and preserving it to high heaven. There’s no ‘I got you boo’ coming back. Just a ‘thanks so much, catch ya later.’ So, even if there were the tiniest bit of that going on- it’s so miniscule that it’s inconsequential. Bottom line: the give is more than the take.
Just the questioning of the reason, alone, created a space between us years ago, and then after that. I pondered and considered and stayed on my side of the fence. And also, she shared SO much. So much energy and also, so many words. And part of me knew that if I were to share my words with her, they could be telephoned beyond my orbit and then WHAT WOULD I DO?
Laugh. Cope. Learn. Relax. Take a breath. Consider an alternative. Grow.
And this has occurred over and over again. Sometimes the occurrence has been preceded by battles. Sometimes those battles have been silent clashes and other times, noisy and messy and filled with tears. But the end is always the same. Forgiveness. An understanding. A new agreement. Talking it through. Being honest, even when it aches.
Always.
I’m not that radically different today than I was when we met. I am still hesitant to open myself up to people and share with abandon. But I’m a little better. And she, understands that I need a moment sometimes. A beat. And I’ll share when I’m ready. And sometimes I can’t ever get there and that has to be okay. And sometimes, there’s a share anyway and I have to be okay.
And I guess my point is that the world gives you gifts in the form of other humans sometimes. And those humans love you and like you and hate you and test you and challenge you and force you to be the very best version of yourself in ways that honestly hurt. But I’ve learned that there’s really no other way. Not for me.
Happy birthday CC- here’s to 50 more years of LOTS of beverages and always more and always yes and always choosing the right people for our fuck budget and being uncomfortable for all the right reasons.
X
L.
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