It’s Hate Season, Baby.

I was thinking today about Halloween. Apropos because, well, it IS Halloween. I personally love this holiday. It brings joy to my heart. I don’t love the scary shit (though I can’t say I hate it) but I love everything else. Pumpkins, crunchy leaves, babies in minion onesies, and tiny packages of candy. It’s just a feel good, generally.

But I was thinking a little more specifically about the holiday. About masks. The masks we wear as humans. The way we present ourselves to the world. The parts of ourselves that we hide. I acknowledge that I’m a funny mixture of ‘what you see is what you get’ and a lot that’s stored just below the surface.

I’ve been hurt before and so I’m not looking to show my vulnerability to most people that I come into contact with, in the world at large. I’m cautious and careful and when I make a mistake, I tend to pull back as quickly as possible to avoid continued harm. It’s just the way that I roll.

I don’t think that I put a mask on though. What’s the difference? Well, I’m not sure there is a huge one, and there’s a part of me that’s calling me out on my own bullshit. Let’s explore, shall we?

I abhor the idea of being inauthentic and when I think about masks that people wear, that’s usually where my brain goes. There’s this big part of me that thinks that the mask is actually the human that people want you to see whereas what’s underneath is altogether different.

I don’t know if that’s really true. Maybe the mask is just a protective barrier. Maybe it’s a form of self-handicapping? Maybe it’s the way in which someone creates a wall between the big, scary universe and their tender innards?

And perhaps that’s why this season (and yes, I mean this ELECTION season) has been such a disconcerting experience for me.

The masks are OFF. Or on. Or both?

I told a friend the other day that I wish people would go back to keeping on the downlow who they are aligning their vote with, and then two seconds later, I expressed that I was actually more comfortable knowing. And then, maybe five minutes later, I admitted that I don’t really know what I prefer, but I feel generally upside down. I want to know more and less, simultaneously. I told my friend that unlike other differences of opinion, it was hard for me to unsee and un-feel alignment with candidates like Trump and Vance.

Anyone who has followed me here for some  time knows two fundamental truths, as follows: (i) this is not a political space/blog and (ii) I am an extremely open minded person. I reserve the right to have my mind changed, I like hearing why someone thinks or feels a certain way (even if I don’t agree, it allows my thinking to be more expansive and sometimes, engenders a deeper understanding of that person), and with many issues, I don’t think there’s a right and wrong. Most issues have so much gray.

Have I written about all of this before? I have. I really have. But I can’t stay silent, because I feel like I’m about to burst.

I was jogging through my lovely neighborhood on this unusually warm fall Halloween day and every Trump sign I passed on a front lawn brought about a whole slew of emotions. Fear, sadness, anger, confusion. Is that the house of the lovely older gentleman who jogs past me every morning? Is that the house of the family who is always riding bikes together? Is that the house of the woman who always raises her hand in a friendly wave when I’m out for evening walks?

I feel so perplexed.

Why?

How?

Israel? Probably not. Abortion? Maybe. Taxes? Unlikely, but possible.

Racism?

Racism.

Misogyny?

Misogyny.

Fear? Oh yes. Lots of fear. And rage. All the rage.

Do you have such hate in your heart for your fellow humans? Does your desire to abide by certain religious ideology prevent you from allowing others to make their own, very personal decisions? Do your worries about food insecurity and healthcare and employment motivate you to find a scapegoat or two or hundreds? Have you suffered so immeasurably that rather than finding a place of peace and kindness, you are wishing the same on those who you think are deserving of such, for no other reason than their circumstances?

I’m trying so hard to understand. I’m trying desperately to process whether they think that any of these individuals have good intentions or good in their hearts when they spout fire and brimstone. I’m trying like hell to not reject my fellow human in the very way that they are, in their decision to choose the candidate that propagates hate and discrimination.

I’m trying to forgive their blind privilege and arrogance and ignorance.

I’m failing though. On nearly every count. I’m mad as hell and also, disappointed.

I look at hateful videos posted by a beautiful and intelligent (and financially comfortable) woman who I went to camp with as a child and try to process whether she understands that choosing for one issue is condemning us all to a fate of accepting all. I look at the ‘she’s not for me’ argument and fail to understand why, despite that, she still isn’t the better choice.

I can’t look at these individuals and think of how they are raising their children to be respectful, all the while supporting a candidate that spits in the face of any form of decorum. A candidate who is a criminal. A CRIMINAL.

I can’t get my brain to turn off and not scream: what the fuck is wrong with you? Who hurt you so badly? Why is suffering for some more important than equality and peace and autonomy for all?

The thing is, I don’t need to compare those candidates to fascists and dictators and hateful rulers to dominated in years’ past.

I don’t need to point to what can happen or what did happen.

I don’t.

It’s already happened.

We already hate each other. We already refuse to choose love. We are already willing to condemn and dominate and control and destroy.

We’ve already chosen poorly, by entertaining this destructive and insane farce.

It’s not too late, though. And I could choose to worry, but instead, I choose love.

I choose choice.

I choose kindness.

I choose giving.

I choose compassion.

I choose hope.

And you?

What do you choose?

Choose wisely, because the fate of humanity is in your hands.  

X

L.