Two girlfriends recently shared dating horror stories with me. And not the kind of stories you might imagine when you consider dating in 2024. When considering how fraught online dating is, which seems to be the primary method these days, my mind might go to someone who is married but, in his feels, or who posted very old photos, or errs on the side of incessant bitter rambling about an ex.
What I did not really contemplate was/is aggression. Rage. Disrespect.
I won’t really get into gritty detail, to protect my girlfriends, but I will share the overarching themes for context.
One girlfriend was with a man who was excessively physical very early on, and beyond that, seemed to have a predilection for obsessing over the physical form of women, to the point of objectification. My other girlfriend went out with an individual who was enraged by the notion that she might have a unique experience based on her gender in her field of choice (as compared to her male colleagues). I think it’s relevant to note that the man who went out with my second friend is NOT in her industry. In other words, he doesn’t have a first person or experiential perspective on what it might be like on the ‘inside.’ He was just pissed off.
I’ll be honest in that I found little humor in these situations, despite attempts by my girlfriends to lighten the mood. I felt scared. Anxious. I asked them both to let me (or some other safe person) know when they were going to be going out on dates, and where, so they could signal if trouble arose. Even if far away, I could find a way, as could someone else, to alert authorities or create a safer situation for them.
This is sickening, no?
And before anyone comes at me, I understand that there are challenging humans of all genders. I am not in any way saying that women cannot be menacing or deceptive or difficult. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. And my focus is not a mechanism to discount others’ experiences with any one at any time- but more so, to explore an issue that’s front of mind.
After I heard the second story, I asked a friend whether she believed the current climate in the United States was somehow emboldening predators and those filled with rage (and perhaps a heavy dose of self-loathing). I had been pondering this on my own, and it felt a little dramatic, and thus, I kept it to myself. However, after bearing witness to my two friends’ experiences, and knowing there are countless more that I’m just not privy to, I felt compelled to put my words out into the world.
I started with a friend. If we are being really specific, I started with a friend who isn’t particularly liberal. She isn’t necessarily conservative, but more so exists in a neutral space, one that is mostly non-political. I took the approach, as it is a core belief of mine, that this topic, while influenced by politics and present in the political scheme, isn’t a POLITICAL issue. I named it as I believe it to be: a women’s issue. I started with that.
Well, I actually started by sharing that I feel a little scared right now. Anxious. And my anxiety is not really something I can point to. It’s a general unease that primarily revolves around my gender. I am anxious being a woman in 2024.
Do I think that this election cycle turned people into women-hating, misogynists? Absolutely not. Do I think that people feel freer to let their bullshit flag fly? Oh yes. I think there’s a certain comfort that comes when you have a society that has accepted, has elected, and reveres men who have been convicted of sexual assault. It’s not that we are glorifying that behavior. It’s far worse, actually. We are ignoring it altogether. It’s irrelevant. We are saying that because there are certain belief systems in which we are aligned (and by we, I mean them, and them, and not me), all else can be overcome and overlooked.
Forget the victims. Forget the violation of another human and of our civilized laws. Forget all of it. Just tune it all out and pay attention to the information that feels compelling for you.
Wow.
That’s a big one… a big statement. Huge. That lends itself to excuses and explanations and forgiveness that is decidedly unearned. What is dangerous about all of this is that there is some equivalency drawn to freedom. Freedom of speech. Freedom of behavior. And yes, sure. But also, abuse of those rights. Overstepping boundaries and disregarding social decorum and violations so significant that apologies are wasted.
There is messaging about reproductive rights and the rights of the LGBTQIA+ community and I think that is absolutely critical. But perhaps what we are missing is the notion that bigger picture, an environment is being cultivated that invites a behavior that is menacing. Uncomfortable. Inappropriate.
I used to say that people feel freer on the internet because there was a certain anonymity they are afforded. I used to think that hiding behind a screen was the scariest thing I could imagine. Is it, though? Or is it the real-life monsters that we come nose to nose with? Part of me also used to think that it was better to be able to see creatures for who they really are- to know their faces and names, so as to not be fooled. I still believe that to be true, somewhat, but also, the sheer number of them terrifies me. The brazen disregard and entitlement chills me to my bones.
The notion that women (and other people) are property, play things, and should not say no, cannot say no. The idea that we are bitches and garbage if we dare say ‘please don’t’ and ‘no thank you’ or just ‘no’.
What the actual fuck?
Yeah.
That’s all.
What. The. Actual. Fuck?
X
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